DEAR ABBY: I went into our home office and noticed that my wife had left her e-mail on. I spotted an odd name, so I opened one of the messages and my jaw dropped. It was from a man with whom my wife was having an affair. The e-mails were so graphic as to leave nothing to the imagination. This person is someone with whom my wife had an affair before we got together. He was going to leave his wife and live with her before we met, but when push came to shove, he stayed with his wife and just used mine for sex.

One of the messages discussed a planned meeting that did not take place -- only because he got stuck at work. She e-mailed him and told him he could stop by the house any night after 10 and have sex for an hour or two because our 5-year-old son and I were sleeping in other bedrooms!

She insists that "nothing happened," which I have trouble believing. We have been seeing a therapist who believes my wife, and says that since "nothing happened" it wasn't an affair. I disagree. Am I wrong? -- FURIOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FURIOUS: You now have two problems. You have a therapist who is siding with your wife, and an advice columnist who sees it your way. No, I do not think you are wrong. And unless your wife can come up with a satisfactory explanation for inviting her old lover over for sex under the same roof as her child and her husband, I'd say your marriage is O.V.E.R.

DEAR ABBY: I have one sister. Our mother is deceased. When our father passes away, he will leave a sizable estate to my sister and me, consisting of two homes and various businesses.

Because my sister lives 300 miles away, I will likely be the one taking care of Dad's affairs after his death. This will involve a great deal of time, going through both houses, some cleaning, and too many phone calls to count, etc.

Would it be fair to keep track of the time my husband and I devote to this, charge an hourly fee, and deduct it from my sister's share of our father's estate? Let's face it, fair is fair. -- DREADING WHAT'S AHEAD

DEAR DREADING: It seems fair to me. However, if your father has his faculties, this is something that should be discussed while he's still living so it can be noted in his will. If he's too ill to talk, then speak to the lawyer who drew up the will. You may be surprised to learn that what you have in mind is usual and customary. The lawyer can explain it to you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Craig," whom I have known almost a year. We have become closer than friends in a lot of ways -- except the one way that counts, if you know what I mean.

Craig likes to tease me about sex, but says it will never happen because he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Do you think it's fair for him to arouse me and then just run out the door?

Craig says he doesn't want me, but when I go out on dates with other people he gets mad. How should I handle this? -- IRRITATED IN GEORGIA

DEAR IRRITATED: The key phrase in your letter is "he says he doesn't want me." Craig may enjoy teasing you (a power play), or he might be gay (unavailable for romance). In either case, the result will be frustration for you if you allow the relationship to continue as it is. I say, move on.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Stressed-Out Driver," whose boyfriend wants her to drive him to and from the airport -- you blew it! That boyfriend -- and you -- are out of touch with current reality. No one in his right mind would permit, much less encourage, his girlfriend to travel alone by car, cab, bus or subway during the hours of darkness as a "romantic gesture." It could result in her suffering severe mental or physical injury as a result of a car-jacking, assault, rape or kidnapping.

Please reverse your stance and caution all women to limit their exposure to violent criminals by avoiding unnecessary nighttime travel, particularly while they are alone.

Personally, I think she'd be better off finding a boyfriend who is more concerned with her personal safety. -- JACK B., COL., U.S. ARMY, RET.

DEAR JACK: Although other readers disagreed with my reply, I think you may have overstated your case. If your thesis is that all women must remain inside after dark due to threat of car-jacking, assault, rape or kidnapping, allow me to point out that those crimes also happen during daylight hours. Would the solution be that women not be allowed out without permission from, and escorted by, a male relative? (Just kidding.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The woman who wrote you is an example of modern women today. They expect everything but aren't willing to put forth any effort, sacrifice, or give back to their partner. She should be ashamed of her attitude. I hope her boyfriend recognizes her letter and dumps her, because this is just the tip of the iceberg! -- TONY IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer to the woman who doesn't like to drive at night, yet her boyfriend wants her to meet him at the airport after a business trip. He should use a car service and charge it as a business expense. Why should she subsidize his business travel?

What he calls a romantic gesture sounds more like a gesture of control to me. If he hired a car service, they could both enjoy the ride, giving each other their full attention, without having to watch the road. -- ARTHUR IN OSSINING, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: What's romantic about dragging yourself out of bed at midnight to make a stressful trip to the airport? Alert cab drivers get paid to do that. I think his attitude is controlling and selfish. Pampered men don't make good husbands. She should get rid of him, or she'll be cutting the grass every week for the rest of her life. -- FRED IN ROUND ROCK, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My story is a little different from "Stressed Out's," but it applies. I live near a beautiful trail in California. If you take the path to the left, it takes about an hour and a half to walk, and it is beautiful and peaceful. My husband always wanted me to walk that way. On the occasions when I agreed to walk, I'd insist we go the opposite way, which took only 45 minutes and wasn't nearly as pretty. I had too much to do and not enough time to do it, considering the kids, the errands, the house, etc.

Now I walk that trail the long way almost every day, but I'm doing it alone. My husband died two years ago. Now I ask myself what was so important I couldn't take the extra 45 minutes to go the longer and more beautiful way with him. It's the little things I miss the most, Abby. Life is so short, and there are no guarantees. -- ALONE NOW IN CALIFORNIA

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: While visiting my aunt over the Thanksgiving holiday, I noticed your booklet, "Keepers," on her coffee table. While thumbing through it, I came across a poem that made me think of my mother, who died in early September. I was missing her terribly at that moment, and the poem lifted my spirits and comforted me. I asked my aunt where she had gotten the booklet, and she told me she had ordered it from you last spring.

Is it still available, and how can I get some of them? I'd love to share that poem and some of the others in your collection with my sisters and brothers. -- ISLAND GIRL FROM OAHU

DEAR ISLAND GIRL: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. I'm sure the holidays this year were especially poignant for you and your siblings, but please know that your mother would not have wanted her death to bring you sadness. She gave you life, and would want you to make the most out of every day that you are given.

Yes, my Keepers booklet is still available. It contains some of the most frequently requested poems and essays that have appeared in this column. To order it, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: After 26 years of marriage, my parents seem headed for divorce. My father is the one who wants it, and it sent my manic-depressive mother into the hospital with thoughts of suicide.

Now I am in the middle. My mother doesn't want to talk to my father, so the only information he can get is from me. He has mentioned several times the idea of my moving back home and taking care of her. (He is planning to move out in a month.)

Abby, I only recently got out on my own, and I am enjoying my independence. I love my mother and don't want to lose her, but I am resistant to moving back into a house where I have experienced so much pain. Am I being selfish? What should I do? -- FEELING GUILTY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: The person who's being selfish is your father. He's trying to talk you into assuming the responsibility he assumed when he promised to "love, honor and cherish" your mother at the time of their marriage. If your mother were in her right mind, she would not want you to sacrifice your independence. Do not allow your father to guilt you into moving back. This is his problem. Please do not allow him to make it yours.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 15-year-old son. "Max" has just announced that he has a girlfriend. He talks to her on the phone constantly. I have met her, and she's a very nice girl.

I had the "sex" talk with Max. I explained about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, and how some girls who say they're on the pill really aren't, and that the pill does not protect either partner from STDs. I also gave my son condoms (only two) and explained that it was not permission to have sex. However, I'm afraid he might not listen and do it anyway. If that happens, I want my boy to be protected.

I have gotten conflicting opinions from friends about having given Max the condoms. Do you think I did the right thing? -- DON'T WANNA BE A GRANDMA (YET) IN MANHATTAN BEACH

DEAR DON'T: I absolutely think you did the right thing, also the intelligent and pragmatic thing -- and in exactly the right order.