DEAR ABBY: I have a great job, get along with everyone I work with and go home at night happy, even when things get a little hectic. I love my job -- except for one thing.

A woman who works here is a constant downer. She constantly talks about how fat she is (she's overweight, and so am I), how ugly she is (she's not), how horrible her marriage is, how she won't live past 38, how her son won't live to be 18, and other negative things. In fact, all she has to say are negative things.

Whenever I try to interject something positive, she finds a way to turn it into a negative. We work with the public a lot, and she has run so many customers off with her negativity that we are losing money. No one will fire her because there is no one to replace her in our small town, but everyone is at their wit's end. We have all tried talking to her about it. What else can we do? -- READY TO EXPLODE IN WYOMING

DEAR READY: Aside from slipping "happy pills" into her morning coffee, nothing. (Only joking!) People sometimes call themselves fat, ugly, etc., because they hope the person they're talking to will contradict them and say, "No, you're not." In this case, your co-worker appears to be very depressed -- and with good reason.

I do have a suggestion, however, for the next time she makes a negative comment. Instead of trying to turn it around, agree with her. Say, "Yes, isn't it sad?" or "You're a saint," then change the subject. That may stop her.

DEAR ABBY: My family and I just moved to a new town. Our dogs bark at night to warn us that there are people sneaking around our property.

The neighbors complained to our landlord, and now we have to move again. Shouldn't the neighbors have talked to us first, and then complained if we did nothing about our dogs' behavior? -- CAROLYN IN OAKTOWN, IND.

DEAR CAROLYN: Yes, they should have. And you should have made sure there was a clause in your lease that entitled you to have pets on the property. And if you were aware that your dogs barked at night, you should have taken them into the house so they wouldn't disturb your neighbors.

DEAR ABBY: Is it all right for a family member to eavesdrop on a conversation on the extension line? The other day, my husband and I picked up the phone at the same time. It was my mother calling to chat and to ask a question. Although the call was clearly for me, my husband remained on the line because, he said, he had a question for her when I was done with the conversation.

I contend that this was rude, as I didn't know he hadn't hung up the other phone. He contends that he had a right to listen because it is his house, and he can listen in if he wants.

Although nothing of a personal nature was discussed, I still think he should have given me my privacy and asked me to let him know when Mom and I were done talking so he could ask his question. This has caused a major rift in our family. Please respond. -- NANCY IN BELMONT, CALIF.

DEAR NANCY: When a spouse starts using the old "I can do it if I want because it's my house" line, it's usually because he/she knows he/she is wrong. I don't know whether your husband is a bully or simply has no life of his own, but eavesdropping is a very unpleasant trait. And in the interest of family harmony, he should cut it out.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I wish to address my comments to "Wants to Be Remembered" (Sept. 24), the terminally ill woman who is jealous of her ex-husband's new wife's role in her grandchild's life.

My three sisters and I lost our dear mother when I was 20. I am now the single parent of a 5-year-old daughter and "Aunty" to four nieces and nephews. None of our children knew their biological grandmother.

My father married a wonderful woman 10 years after Mom's passing. I was never particularly close to my stepmother until I became pregnant. But the love and support she has provided me and my sisters is priceless. She never had children of her own, so she inherited a whole family when she married Dad.

She once told me she gives our kids two kisses each time -- one from her and one from my mom in heaven. All our kids know "Mom Mom" (my mother) is in heaven, and "Mamu" is here.

Dad passed away two years ago, and we are blessed to still have Mamu in our lives. My daughter wouldn't have ANY grandparents if it weren't for my stepmother. She's as much a part of our lives today as she was when Dad was alive.

Please assure WTBR that her daughters can honor her legacy with their children as well as welcome the love of their grandfather and step-grandmother. I hope it will put her fears to rest. -- GRATEFUL FOR MAMU IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GRATEFUL: I was overwhelmed by the mountain of responses written by caring readers such as you. The majority empathized with WTBR while offering valuable insights. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: WTBR needs to understand that although her ex has remarried, she will never be replaced in the hearts of her children. She should be happy that her daughters have an opportunity to develop a loving relationship with another mother figure.

This is not about "replacing" her, but about enhancing the lives of her children. When she succumbs to her illness, her daughters will have someone to comfort them over their loss and help them through it. The stepmother can be a blessing that can make her family stronger. If WTBR would give the woman a chance, it's possible they could even become friends. It's time to put aside her selfish desires and consider what's best for her family. -- A LOVING STEPMOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Many children don't know their grandparents for many reasons, but if someone with the age and wisdom to assume the role of grandparent would like to have a positive influence on my children, he or she is welcome to be addressed that way by my kids. Biology doesn't override a warm hug or a freshly baked cookie in the eyes of a child. -- BRIDGE THE GAP

DEAR ABBY: My mother died when my daughter was a baby. Before she died, she made grandmother's books for each of her five grandchildren. In them she shared her own childhood memories, family roots and words of wisdom. She also lovingly wrote each child a personal letter at the end of the book.

We cherish my daughter's book. Through it, my daughter got to know her grandma and experience her love, although their paths crossed only briefly in this life. -- DELANA'S DAUGHTER

DEAR ABBY: WTBR can share a part of herself with her grandchild by creating a "time capsule." Inside she should include a photograph of herself, as well as a favorite song or story recorded on audiotape or CD. The special messages and personal items will help her grandchild connect with a loving grandparent who wanted to be part of her grandchild's life. -- GRANDMA BARBARA

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Thanksgiving dishes are back in the china cabinet, and the last of the leftovers are finished. The party season is starting, and Christmas carols fill the air. While this is an exciting and joyful time for a lot of us, for many individuals the holidays can be an intensely difficult time, triggering feelings of stress, loneliness and loss.

If a person is prone to depression, these feelings can be magnified.

How can anyone feel depressed at this time of year, you ask? The reasons are many: People who are separated from their families often feel isolated because they are unable to celebrate in the traditional way. Families who have lost a loved one during the year often feel his or her absence especially at this time. Others become depressed because they imagine that everyone else is enjoying a warm, idealized family experience, while they are on the outside looking in.

Even people who enjoy the holidays can find them stressful. At this time of year people are stretched for time, energy and money - - particularly the latter. They may feel embarrassed because they can't celebrate the way they would like to, or celebrate in the style they have in years past.

Some ways to ward off the holiday blues:

-- Keep expectations reasonable. Do not take on more activities than you can comfortably handle -- financially or otherwise.

-- Don't overspend. Plan a holiday budget and live within it, regardless of the temptation.

-- Do not run up credit card debt, or January will be like a serious hangover.

-- And speaking of hangovers: Watch your alcohol intake. Remember, although alcohol appears to be a mood elevator, it is actually a depressant. If you have a problem with alcohol, get whatever support you need to make it through the holidays.

And finally, if you are feeling down and in need of an instant "upper," the surest way to accomplish it is to do something nice for someone else. Call someone who lives alone and invite that person to dinner. Better yet, say, "I'm coming to get you, and I'll see that you get safely home." (Some older people no longer drive at night, and those who do might prefer not to be behind the wheel after dark.) Give it a try! You'll be glad you did.

And another reminder: We have so much for which to be grateful -- our health, our sanity, our freedom. For those of you with a little time to spare, how about showing our gratitude to our wounded veterans by visiting a veteran's hospital and raising the spirits of those who have served our country? As I said before, the quickest way to lose those holiday blues is to extend a hand to someone who could use one. Try it and you'll see what I mean.

Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I keep reading that having sex regularly will improve your health and extend your life. However, my wife of 34 years has lost all interest in sex and keeps pushing me away. So what do I do? Am I justified in taking on a lover on the side, discreetly, of course? -- CONSIDERING IT, SAN MATEO, CALIF.

DEAR CONSIDERING IT: I, too, have read that engaging in sex regularly can improve one's health and extend one's life. However, rather than asking me for permission, you should address that question to your wife. If it's all right with her, it's all right with me. But if she says no, please remember that the stress of carrying on an illicit affair could shorten your life, and if she catches you it could be fatal.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)