DEAR ABBY: My parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this year, so my siblings and I have been trying to plan something special.

I asked my mother what she would like us to do. Her response was she didn't want to tell me what to do, for us just to decide. When we suggested a Caribbean cruise, she said Dad didn't want to be on the water. So we planned a vacation in Mexico. Mom said she didn't want to get passports. Then I suggested a big party with family and friends. She said she would be hurt if people didn't show up. I asked Dad what he wanted to do; he suggested a trip to New York. Mother shot that idea down, too.

My siblings and I have put months into planning this effort, and Mom is not making it an easy process. We even staged an "intervention" with all of us kids and Mom and Dad. We sat down and brainstormed ideas that might please her, even offering to give them several thousand dollars to spend as they wish. Nothing is good enough for Mom.

I am frustrated. If I do nothing, she'll be upset with me and hold a grudge. If I plan something, it won't be the right thing. At 45 years of age, I just want to do ONE thing right in my mother's eyes. Help me, please. -- NEAR TEARS IN HENDERSON, COLO.

DEAR NEAR TEARS: The name for the behavior your mother is displaying is "passive-aggression." Because you say you would like to do "one" thing right in her eyes, I assume it has been going on since you were quite young. The advice I am offering is not what you expect. Here it is: STOP TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR MOTHER. It is impossible to accomplish.

You and your siblings should throw the party with family and friends. Do not show your mother the guest list; that way she cannot be hurt if someone doesn't show up. And make it a "surprise party." Do not expect to please your mother. She's not pleasable, and the sooner you accept that fact, the better off you will be.

DEAR ABBY: Because of a sudden, life-threatening illness, I had to leave my job. During the time I worked there, I cultivated (I thought) some great friendships. Now I am heartbroken to realize the friendships I so valued were not valued in return.

One woman broke off our phone conversation with, "I have to take this call. I'll call you right back." It has been nearly six months, and I'm still waiting for that returned call. I know I could have called her back, but I seem to be the only one initiating contact. Perhaps my one or two calls a month became too much for her.

There must be others in similar situations. My question is, should I write this "friendship" off?

-- SADDENED IN TAYLORVILLE, ILL.

DEAR SADDENED: Yes. Some people are so afraid of death that when someone close -- a friend, family member or spouse -- is stricken with a life-threatening illness, instead of stepping forward and offering support, they physically or emotionally run in the opposite direction.

Why cling to this person? When the chips are down, she couldn't face it. And that, in my book, is not true friendship.

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DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old stepdaughter, "Nicki," is sweet, sensitive, shy and artistic. Through no fault of her own she is two grades behind in school. She's not anti-social but has few friends at school because of the age difference. The friends she does have take advantage of her. They spend time with her only when she has spending money. They also borrow her things and do not return the items in good condition.

Nicki loves to talk about how many friends she has, but she'll also mention that they don't like her sometimes. She lives with her mother for the most part, but when she visits she seems starved for attention. I try to tell her to stand up for herself, but she thinks if she does she'll lose her "friends." Her mother also has low self-esteem, and I think she has passed this on to Nicki.

Is there anything I can do to bolster my step-daughter's self-esteem? And what can I say about her friends without overstepping my boundaries? -- LOST STEPMOM IN PALAU

DEAR LOST STEPMOM: It is not unheard of for parents who are socially recessive to pass that trait on to their children. After all, children learn by example -- and that's where you may be able to help your stepdaughter. The more time Nicki spends with you, the more she will see how you appropriately handle social situations and contemporaries. You should also share your thought process with her before and/or after you have done so. This will give her coping mechanisms in dealing with her own life.

Although it may be tempting, do not put down her classmates. If you do, it could come across as a criticism of her. Instead, encourage your stepdaughter to get involved in activities outside of school -- perhaps pursue her art, something that she enjoys. That way she can meet peers with whom she has something in common, and who won't have preconceived ideas about her status.

DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor who honks her horn twice to say goodbye to her children -- at 7 a.m.! It's so annoying to wake up to the sound of a honking horn every morning.

How do I ask this neighbor -- whom I am not friendly with -- to stop this daily ritual? -- NO MORE HONKING IN PA.

DEAR NO MORE HONKING: Write your neighbor a sweet note and explain that the honking is waking you up. She may be unaware that she is creating a problem. If that doesn't work, then check the noise ordinance in your city. She may be in violation of the law.

DEAR ABBY: I never married "Mark," the father of my 20-year-old son, "Joel," and Mark didn't appear in Joel's life until he was 12. Mark had a relationship with Joel for about two years, then moved to another state.

I learned last night that Mark has died. Joel is a few hours away at college. Should I tell him on the phone or in person? -- UNDECIDED IN STOCKBRIDGE, GA.

DEAR UNDECIDED: If the situation were reversed, what would you prefer? While Mark and Joel have not been close, your son has still lost his father. To tell him in person would be the kind thing to do.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Louis" for six months. Things are going great. I know he is my soul mate, and I need look no further. He's intelligent, artistic, appreciative, caring, and we have the same political and spiritual philosophy. We are both optimistic about a wonderful future together.

There is just one problem. Louis is emotionally constipated. He has trouble saying, "I love you." We discussed it, and he told me his last girlfriend -- his only other serious relationship -- just said, "Oh," when he told her he loved her. So now he's afraid of voicing the sentiment. Also, I heard his mother tell him she loved him, and Louis didn't respond to her.

He has asked me to move in with him for the summer while we're on college break. He says I'm an inspiration, and he's never been happier. He says our relationship is like an oak tree, solid and forever growing stronger. His aunt has also "casually" mentioned that she has Louis' grandmother's wedding ring if he wants it anytime soon.

Should I tell Louis I love him and risk scaring him off? I couldn't stand for him to say "Oh" to me. What's your advice? -- LOVES HIM IN MOUNT PLEASANT, MICH.

DEAR LOVES HIM: Before you become more deeply involved with Louis, you need to review what happened with his mother. A son who remains silent when his mother says, "I love you," has issues that go beyond having had a girlfriend who only said "Oh" when he expressed his love for her. Surely her cool response was hurtful. And if so, why would he repeat that behavior?

Under no circumstances should you move in with Louis "for the summer." He may say your relationship is like an oak, but I can't think of a surer way to create root rot in the relationship. Slow down. His inability to tell you he loves you may stem from the fact that he doesn't.

Louis' aunt dropped you a broad hint when she mentioned his grandmother's wedding ring. Do not move in with him until you are sure he intends to use it.

DEAR ABBY: I am well aware of the risks of smoking. However, I have chosen to take the risk and continue the habit. When I smoke, I do it only outside, away from others so I won't infringe on anyone else's health.

When people decide they need to lecture me on why I should quit, how should I politely respond that I don't need their advice? I will decide on my own when I am ready to quit and make the effort. I understand they are trying to help my overall health, but it's really none of their business. -- NOT READY TO KICK THE BUTTS IN KENOSHA

DEAR NOT READY: You're right -- it is none of their business. However, it takes genuine affection and concern to confront an addict about the risk of his or her addiction, so give them some credit for reaching out.

I find it sad that you're so hooked that you continue puffing away in spite of the knowledge that it may one day kill or disfigure you. But that said, when you are approached about it, simply repeat the first two sentences of your letter to me. That will get your message across. And when you do, please try not to breathe on them because it could be hazardous to their health.

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