DEAR ABBY: I became an unwed mother many years ago, when there was a stigma attached to having an illegitimate child. Unable to care for my son, I placed him for adoption. He has now found me.

I have a family, and my husband does not want me to tell our adult children or contact the young man and his family.

Do I go against the wishes of my husband, whom I love very much, or should I tell our children and perhaps risk my husband leaving me? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFLICTED: From the tone of your letter your husband is the dominant partner in your marriage. If that's the case, and you really think he would leave you after all these years because you leveled with your children about the fact that they have a half-brother, then keep the secret.

However, if your relationship with your husband is anything approaching a partnership, then stand up for yourself and make it clear that you are the sum total of all your experiences -- both the joyful and the painful -- and you need to see your son, thank his family for the love and care they have given him, and let your adult children make up their own minds about whether they want to be contacted.

This is the 21st century, and we are far beyond the attitudes of the 1950s in which a human being who is born out of wedlock is a shameful secret forever to be buried. In addition, secrets have a way of always coming out eventually.

DEAR ABBY: My son was required to read "Romeo and Juliet" in his freshman year of high school. It has always bothered me that this play is considered good for teenagers to read, much less required reading. The story ends with Romeo and Juliet committing suicide, which is considered "romantic."

Teen suicide is on the rise. I feel we don't need teens seeing this in literature as a romantic way out of problems. What do you think? -- MICHELLE IN CHUBBUCK, IDAHO

DEAR MICHELLE: The writings of William Shakespeare have long been considered classics of literature, and when students are assigned to read "Romeo and Juliet," it's done under the guidance of a teacher. The characters' suicides have never been considered a reasonable solution to the problem of their warring families not allowing them to be together; the play is regarded as a Shakespearian tragedy.

Suicide among teens does not happen because of blighted romance. It happens because the teenager is mentally disturbed, and friends and families are unable to pick up on cues that the young person is in serious trouble. That is why when someone talks or "jokes" about committing suicide, it's so important to report it so the person can get professional help.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I got into a "debate" about the bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. She said that a bridesmaid has to be a single woman.

I have often seen bridesmaids who are married, so I didn't think they "had" to be single. Which of us is right? -- PENNSYLVANIA BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: You are. Attitudes have changed radically since your mother was married, and so have weddings. Today there are maternity outfits for pregnant bridesmaids -- and brides -- so draw your own conclusions.

DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter on Father's Day because I'd like to say something. I was raised by my father, no mother in sight. He took on the job of two parents and didn't bat an eyelash. I was 6 when Dad changed jobs, bought a house and got my siblings and me out of foster care where our mother had left us.

At the time, I barely knew my dad, but as the years passed I got to know him. He was a tough, hard-working, kind, loving man who taught me those qualities by example, as well as how to laugh at life.

We lost Dad unexpectedly to a heart attack last January. He wasn't even 60 years old. If anyone deserves an accolade on Father's Day, it's him because he was the best. He is sorely missed. He was my hero, and I am flattered to be compared to him. -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LOVING DAUGHTER: You are lucky to have had such a positive father figure in your life -- and I'm printing your letter in tribute not only to your own dear father, but also to other devoted and caring men who nurture and mentor children.

In honor of fathers everywhere, I would like to share a poem that last appeared in my column in 2001. It was penned by a talented writer and retired schoolteacher named Hilda Bigelow:

I HAD A FATHER WHO TALKED WITH ME

I had a father who talked with me.

Allowed me the right to disagree,

To question -- and always answered me,

As well as he could -- and truthfully.

He talked of adventures; horrors of war;

Of life, its meaning; what love was for;

How each would always need to strive

To improve the world to keep it alive.

Stressed the duty we owe one another

To be aware each man is a brother.

Words for laughter he also spoke,

A silly song or happy joke.

Time runs along, some say I'm wise,

That I look at life with seeing eyes.

My heart is happy, my mind is free,

I had a father who talked with me.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance wants a prenuptial agreement. I am willing to sign one, even though it's not my idea. This is to protect his finances.

According to our research, we are both supposed to hire our own attorneys. My question: Is it my responsibility to pay for my attorney even though we are doing the prenup only to protect my fiance's assets and inheritance? -- JUST WONDERING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR JUST WONDERING: A prenuptial agreement is supposed to protect the interests of both parties. At the same time that it protects your fiance's assets, it should lay out what provisions will be made for you in the event that the marriage doesn't work out. Because your attorney will be representing only you, you should be the person compensating him (or her) for services rendered. And honey, this is not the time to cheap out.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON B. IN MINNEAPOLIS: A happy, healthy Father's Day to you, Pop!

DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old son, "Seth," is set to go off to college. He is going to a state university about 20 minutes from our home.

When filling out the paperwork for school, I did not sign him up to live on campus. His behavior during his senior year was less than stellar. I felt he needed to prove himself a little before I spent the money for him to live on campus. He's furious with me, and I admit I am second-guessing my decision as I talk to other parents whose kids are all living on campus.

I want my son to be independent. I told him if he did well the first semester he could live there the second semester. Did I do the right thing? -- PERPLEXED MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR MOM: I know you want your son to be independent, but for him to become independent means he needs to accept responsibility for himself -- and that includes filling out his own paperwork for school. Dormitory living would have provided an atmosphere with some supervision and structure, but dorm rooms are usually assigned at the beginning of the school year -- not the middle.

I know you meant well, but I would have done things differently and told my son that if he did poorly in his first semester, he would be living at home during the second one.

DEAR ABBY: We desperately need your help on how to say "no thanks," without hurting our friends' feelings. A lovely couple at church regularly invite us to their home for dinner. "Judy" is an avid reader and enjoys clipping recipes from newspapers and magazines.

When we arrive, the conversation usually starts with, "I got a new recipe." We have been served half-cooked bean soup that felt like we were chewing on little pebbles from the river, casseroles with cheese topping so hard it could be used as roadway asphalt, and cakes as heavy as lead. Thank God for lemonade to wash down the taste.

We feel like their guinea pigs. We like their company, but we're afraid our medical bill could be higher this year if we venture into the wrong meal. These people are great friends and fun to be around. How do we say no without hurting their feelings? -- QUEASY IN KENTUCKY

DEAR QUEASY: The next time Judy invites you to dinner, accept on the condition that YOU bring the main course. And when you do, be sure to bring the recipe with you. Then, during dinner or after, explain to Judy exactly how it was prepared. You'll be doing not only your hostess, but also yourselves, a big favor.

DEAR ABBY: My father was recently widowed at the age of 77. I know he's lonely because he has never lived by himself, but I'm concerned about his social behavior. He makes sexual remarks around women of all ages -- from 21 to 101. If he sees that I'm shocked or embarrassed, he says he likes a good laugh and "this is nothing they haven't heard before."

I have tried telling Dad that his comments are offensive and degrading. I love him and want him to be happy, but I'm afraid he's making a fool of himself and will end up with a poor reputation in our small retirement town.

Am I wrong? How can I help him see the error of his ways? -- DISCONCERTED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: You are not wrong. But you have already told your father that his remarks are offensive. He can see the effect that they have on you. Unless he is becoming demented, which you should be able to determine if there have been other changes in his behavior, he may be one of those hard-headed people who have to learn things the hard way.