DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are preparing for our wedding next spring. This is the first marriage for both of us. We are well-established in our careers and have a nice house with everything we need in it.

Abby, my fiance and I lost our fathers to cancer within the last few years. One of our biggest regrets is that we never got to meet each other's father, and they won't be at our wedding with everyone else we love.

Is there a polite way to ask our guests to donate to the American Cancer Society, their local hospice or a charity of their choice, instead of buying us things we don't need? It would mean far more to us knowing that some other dad who might have been lost to cancer will be able to walk his daughter down the aisle on her special day. -- SPRING 2011 BRIDE

DEAR SPRING 2011 BRIDE: While I commend you for wanting to help others whose lives have been touched by cancer, what you have in mind must be done "delicately" so no rules of etiquette are broken. No mention of gifts (or money) should be made on (or accompany) your wedding invitations.

However, it is customary for those who plan to attend to inquire about where the couple is registered or what they might need. At that point, it's permissible to say (verbally) that a donation to the American Cancer Society or to hospice, etc., would be appreciated for the reasons you stated in your letter.

And one more thought: Although your fathers-in-law died before you could meet them, please don't think they won't be at your celebration. Because they are in your hearts, they will not only be present at your wedding, they'll be with you always.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago I was in the process of separating from my husband. I started looking for a place of my own, but after I found one, my husband said he wanted to "work things out."

While we were separated we slept in different rooms. During this time I met another man, "Craig." He knew I was married and I told him about the situation with my husband. Craig and I have not been intimate or even kissed. We have carried on inappropriate conversations via phone, e-mail and texting, and we have sent each other pictures through e-mail.

My husband and I have now reconciled, but I have been stringing Craig along on the chance that, if my marriage doesn't work out, he'll be there. I feel guilty about this. Is what Craig and I have done considered a form of cheating? What should I do? -- HEDGING MY BETS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HEDGING: Of course it's a form of cheating! You know that on some level or you wouldn't be feeling guilty. If you really want your marriage to work, you'll stop hedging your bets and devote yourself fully to it. You'll also level with Craig, tell him you and your husband have reconciled, ask him not to call you again and delete his texts and e-mails. If you don't, your husband could find them and your marriage will be over.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, I met a group of friends at a local pub. "Charlie" was the designated driver. As the evening progressed, I noticed Charlie was drinking beer. When I mentioned it, he said he'd had only three. Then he insisted he was fine and "it was only beer."

I tried to explain the danger of driving while "buzzed" and told him I'd walk home. Charlie then became insulted that I didn't trust him to know his limits. He said I should relax and quit being so uptight.

A few days later, some of my friends told me I had caused "unnecessary drama" that night and that my standards for the designated driver were "unrealistic." They also said that Charlie wasn't drunk and was totally capable of driving. But the fact remains, our designated driver wasn't sober, and I wasn't comfortable getting into a car with him.

I voiced my opinion; now I'm being punished for it. Did I judge Charlie too harshly? -- VALUES MY SAFETY, DAVIS, CALIF.

DEAR VALUES YOUR SAFETY: Not in my book, and not in the one published by the California Department of Motor Vehicles. In its California Drivers Handbook, under the section titled "Designated Driver Program," it lists the requirements for someone to be a designated driver. Among them: "Must abstain from consuming alcoholic beverages for the duration of the outing." That means not drinking anything with alcohol in it. Zilch!

You were right to speak up. In the future, if you decide to socialize with these folks, arrange to meet them. And if the location is not within walking distance, take a cab.

DEAR ABBY: "Tracey" is beautiful, caring and fun to spend time with. I fell hard for her and knew I could love her forever. When she broke up with me to "be on her own," I was very hurt.

My best friend, "Henry," says he started sleeping with Tracey right after our breakup. I was his best man when he married "Jill." Now Henry has left Jill for Tracey, and I am left with a sick stomach. How do I heal my wounds while supporting Jill, which keeps them painfully open? -- HEARTSICK IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTSICK: One way would be to remind yourself that as "caring and fun" as Tracey was to be with, she had no reluctance about dating a married man. Another would be to level with Jill, explain that spending time with her is a painful reminder of the way you were dumped, and take a break from it until you have healed.

DEAR ABBY: I became fast friends with one of my husband's co-workers after meeting her at a happy hour. We had fun going out, usually to dance clubs.

One night when my husband tagged along, I overheard her tell him, "If you weren't married, I could be with you." When I confronted her about it the next night, she apologized, saying she had been feeling no pain and can't believe she said it. My husband chalks it up to her being stupid drunk, but I can't let it go.

Now when I see her at work functions, I am cordial and she acts like nothing ever happened. We could have been great friends if she hadn't said what she did, but each time I think I can bury the hatchet, I get angry and upset all over again.

Should I just get over it? Or am I justified in feeling I can't be friends with someone I can't trust? -- DISTRUSTFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISTRUSTFUL: You're justified. And I'm saying it cold sober.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my second husband, "Greg," for 3 1/2 years. Before we married, Greg took me out on dates, we had wonderful conversations and a satisfying sex life.

Now I spend every weekend cleaning, and when I clean the upstairs, Greg goes downstairs. If I clean downstairs, he goes upstairs. He says he loves me, but it seems we have become more like roommates than husband and wife.

Greg buys big-ticket items (big-screen TV and a computer, for example) without telling me. In fact, he never discusses anything with me. Do you think he married me only to cook and clean for him?

Before you suggest counseling, let me point out one more thing: Greg is a psychologist. -- SEARCHING FOR NORMAL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SEARCHING: It appears you married a man who was terrific at sales and poor on follow-through. Because someone is a psychologist does not automatically make that person a good spouse, or parent -- or even a particularly effective therapist.

You two have a serious communication problem. You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to tell you why he's avoiding you and won't allow you to have a voice in "big" decisions. And I am suggesting counseling, but not with anyone with whom your husband is affiliated in business.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with an older man for a year and a half. He is very nice and makes me laugh. He has a lot of faults, but I can tolerate them except for one -- he cheated on both of his ex-wives. He has had affairs with his friends' wives, his employees and his customers. He even told me he slept with another woman the night before his wedding to his second wife.

He likes to flirt, and women like him because he has a great sense of humor. I love his company and we get along well -- most of the time. He says he's sorry for his past behavior, but I'm not convinced he really is. I'm afraid he will do the same with me if he has the chance.

I have spoken to him about my concerns. He says he is "different" now. I have been hurt by men before, and I really don't want to have another emotional disaster. What can he do to gain my trust? -- HESITANT IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR HESITANT: Probably nothing. Face it -- he's charming, witty and can't keep his zipper up. Recognize and enjoy him for who he is, but if you're looking for a lifetime commitment, he's not "the one."

DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked by a good friend to be one of his groomsmen at his wedding. Of course, I accepted.

His bachelor party was on the Oregon coast, so I had to fly out for that a few months before the wedding. The ceremony is in St. Louis, so I have to journey there as well. For both events I have had to pay for travel, accommodations, etc. I spent $200 for the tuxedo rental for the wedding as well as additional expenses.

By the end of it I'll have spent more than $1,000. Must I still buy my friend a wedding gift? -- BIG SPENDER IN PALO ALTO, CALIF.

DEAR BIG SPENDER: The answer is yes -- but it doesn't have to be expensive. According to Emily Post, among the basic responsibilities of all adult attendants is to "contribute to attendants' group gifts to the bride and groom (and usually, give an individual gift as well)."

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