DEAR ABBY: My husband "Zak" and I have been married five years. His brother "Tom" has never liked me. In fact, he went out of his way to ruin our wedding. Just before the ceremony he feigned a dramatic illness, yelled obscenities at my aunt for taking pictures and refused to wear his dress shirt or tie. Abby, he was a groomsman.

Tom is being married this spring to a woman who likes me even less than he does. I want no part of their wedding, nor do I even want to attend. Zak insists that I go and be "civil." Is my husband right? Should I swallow my feelings and go to the wedding, or am I justified in sitting this one out? -- THE "BLACK SHEEP" IN-LAW

DEAR B.S.I.L: While I understand your feelings, my advice is to go to the wedding and be civil. Don't do it for Tom and his fiancee. Do it for your husband. Considering the way your brother- and sister-in-law-to-be appear to feel about you, you won't have to tolerate their company often, so count your blessings.

DEAR ABBY: I had an affair with a married man for about nine months. I broke it off after finally realizing it wasn't going anywhere and he was lying to me about his intentions. Part of me wants him to feel pain for his actions. I want to contact his spouse anonymously and tell him not to trust him. Most of my friends advise against this, while a few tell me to go ahead. What do you think? -- JOHN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR JOHN: Please do not represent yourself as an example of injured and outraged virtue "done wrong" by a married man. You knew he was married and you were a willing participant. If you insist on contacting your lover's spouse and causing pain, have the testicular fortitude to identify yourself. To do so anonymously would be cowardly.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago my son went away to school and met a girl from another state who had no family or friends here. "Celia" was adopted as a baby and didn't get along well with her adoptive family. When my son returned home, Celia came with him -- engaged. Our family accepted her into our home and our hearts.

When their engagement was called off, because Celia had nowhere to go, she moved in with me and my husband. She continued to live with us until she met someone and they were married. She is close to my other kids, especially my two daughters.

Celia recently gave birth to a baby boy. She refers to me as his grandma, which pleases me greatly. I have two other grandchildren whom I adore. My question is, how do I explain to people who ask, when I have the baby, who he is? When I say "my grandson," they ask me from which of my kids. That leads to a long, drawn-out explanation I don't always feel like making. -- FULL OF LOVE IN MISSOURI

DEAR FULL OF LOVE: Why not say, "My honorary grandson"? And if you are questioned further, add, "His mother is like a daughter to me."

DEAR ABBY: My son "Dennis" is divorcing for the third time. He has primary custody of his oldest two children and shared custody of the younger two. He is an excellent father.

I have stayed with him in his large home to help with the kids. I supplement their groceries with things we enjoy. Dennis has a female friend he confides in. He insists they are platonic, but she has told me she hopes to win him over.

This woman has a hard time making ends meet, but always has money for pedicures and out-of-town football games. She spends many days and nights with Dennis, showering there, eating his food and using his laundry facilities. I resent that she is eating or taking home the food I buy for the children. Am I being selfish? My husband and I live on a fixed income and must be careful with our money. Any suggestions? -- WARY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WARY: I do have one. Because you resent the idea that your son's lady friend may be helping herself to the goodies you are providing for your son and grandchildren, and because it is causing you financial strain, stop doing it. Or bring with you only what you and the children can consume during your visit.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for publishing my letter (Oct. 27) about Mindy, the dying woman who was celebrating all occasions and holidays early. I would like to add a poignant postscript to the original story. During Mindy's battle with cancer, she and her husband Bill were friendly with another couple who, sadly, were also battling cancer. In this case, it was the husband who had, at a young age, developed the disease.

Near the end of her life, Mindy asked her adult daughter to try and create a relationship between Bill and Helen, the wife who had lost her husband. A few months after Mindy passed, her daughter suggested to her father that he call Helen just to chat. He did, and after some time their friendship evolved into a serious relationship. They are being married in the next few months.

Mindy must have instinctively known that the losses the remaining spouses had suffered would never be understood except by someone else who had experienced such pain. What a selfless person she was! -- RABBI ALBERT SLOMOVITZ

DEAR RABBI SLOMOVITZ: Indeed she was. And I wish Bill and Helen a lifetime of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old daughter and two grandsons (ages 5 and 6) moved in with me more than a year ago. "Lori" is a good mom, but it upsets me when I wake up at night and discover that she's not home. She will leave a note saying she's with this person or that and will be home by midnight or 1 a.m.

It infuriates me when she leaves the boys alone with me without informing me in advance. We argue constantly about this, but she continues to do it. I am ready to call the police or to file a report with DSS. Lori says I am home anyway, so what's the harm? Please help me with this. -- HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS WHILE MOM'S OUT PARTYING

DEAR HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS: Your daughter's behavior is extremely disrespectful to the mother who took her in. Nothing will change until you draw the line and tell her that the home she and her boys are living in is yours -- not hers -- and you expect her to live by your rules, the first of which is giving you the courtesy of asking whether you might like the evening out before she plans one for herself. You are both adults, and you deserve to be consulted. If she won't comply, she should make other living arrangements.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 80-year-old woman, happily married for 51 years. The other day, my hairdresser (in her 20s) asked me about my sex life with my husband! I feel this is a private matter and none of her business, but I didn't want to sound rude. Can you think of a snappy answer to such a personal question? -- STILL IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND

DEAR STILL IN LOVE: Your hairdresser appears to have been sniffing too much hairspray, which has addled her judgment. The response to her impertinent question should have been to say with a smile, "Honey, you'll just have to wait until you're our age and find out for yourself."

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily single 22-year-old male. My boss, who is happily married, is extremely enthusiastic about finding me a woman. He is aware that I am OK with being single, but he feels it is his duty to find me a girlfriend.

At first, it was only slightly irritating. However, this matchmaker game has gotten out of hand. It has escalated into him printing up fliers with my photo on them, inviting women to sign up for a date with me. What should I do about this? -- CONTENT BACHELOR IN MISSOURI

DEAR CONTENT BACHELOR: Take the bull by the horns and do what you should have done in the beginning. Tell your boss firmly that you are happy as a single person, that when you decide to settle down you won't need anyone's help, and you want the matchmaking stopped. To say that what your boss has done is inappropriate is an understatement. And if it doesn't stop, it is unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature -- and could qualify as harassment.

DEAR ABBY: "Louise" and I have been married three years. We met in another state and I relocated to take a job. I proposed to Louise after the move, and she accepted knowing this would be where we live.

Every summer my life becomes hell. Louise gets angry about the smallest things and picks fights frequently. This is in advance of all the grandkids' birthdays that occur in August. As the summer winds down, angry turns to weepy and sullen. She mentions "moving back for good," "I hate it here," "Quit your job and take less money."

Abby, I have a great job, and have told Louise to fly home as often as she wants. This scenario repeats each summer and increases in intensity. I know I'm going to wake up one day and not have a wife, because it seems her only solution is to move back.

I didn't like anything about the state we came from and was glad to leave. I moved there for my first wife and lost out on 14 years of things I loved to do. I'm bitter about it to this day. I'm happier here. I have no answer to this problem that is acceptable to Louise. Please help. -- MY WIFE OR MY LIFE IN TEXAS

DEAR WIFE/LIFE: If ever I heard of a couple who needed mediation services, it's you and Louise. Whether the answer to your problems is divorce, or Louise living part of the year near her grandchildren, is something only the two of you can negotiate -- if it's even economically feasible. If you love each other enough, you can work out a compromise, and that's what I'm hoping you can do in a caring way and without anger.