DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?"

At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes away.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I struggled for years to have children. After many attempts and disappointments we have exhausted all our options. It has been extremely difficult for me to accept.

My husband recently found his daughter from a previous relationship. He knew she existed, but his ex had kept the girl from him for many years. He is now ecstatic and wants to spend every minute with her. He tells me how happy he is to have a daughter. I want to be supportive, but it kills me.

The girl appears to have no desire to have me in her life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to view her as my stepdaughter. Yes, she's my husband's -- but she is his, not "ours."

I accept that my feelings are somewhat selfish, but I am not sure how to deal with them. I have been in and out of counseling with no change. Please help. -- NOT A "REAL" MOM

DEAR NOT: Stop beating yourself up for having unpleasant feelings. If your description is accurate, your husband has allowed his daughter to "clique" you out. While it's understandable that because of their long separation his daughter could be fixated on him and vice versa, he should let her know that both of you will love her if she'll give you the chance.

Look at it from her perspective. If she's a young woman, she is dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Try to be patient, treat her warmly when you see her, and give her a chance to get to know you. Good relationships aren't hatched fully formed; they take time to build.

DEAR ABBY: I have two small grandsons. They asked me why Santa Claus begs for money in front of the shopping mall. I was shocked by the question and didn't know what to tell them. So I said it was to get toys for all the other boys and girls.

My grandsons also asked me if Santa goes to bingo. I gave them the same answer. My daughter (their mom) was also surprised by their questions. I'm a bingo enthusiast, so I guess that's why they asked. Did I answer properly? what would you have said? -- GRANDMA GLORIA IN OHIO

DEAR GRANDMA GLORIA: You handled the questions masterfully. Had I been asked, my response would have differed only slightly. I might have said Santa was asking for donations so he could buy toys for the little boys and girls whose families couldn't afford them this Christmas -- and then handed Santa something from me and the grandkids.

DEAR ABBY: Please help California's public hospitals and firefighters by spreading a winter safety message that can help your readers prevent serious injury, disfigurement and death. Every winter we see house fires and burns caused by candles, fireplaces and space heaters, which are often used to heat or light homes during the cold, dark days of winter.

Children are at particular risk. Our hospitals' burn centers say that at least one-third of their patients are under the age of 4. We all know children are curious and will touch just about anything that catches their eye, but very young children don't have the reflexes to remove their hand quickly when they touch something hot. That's why we urge parents of young children to be especially vigilant throughout the winter months.

Christmas trees also become increasingly hazardous after the holidays, when people wait too long to dispose of trees that have dried out and become more flammable. -- MELISSA STAFFORD JONES, CALIFORNIA ASSOCIATION OF PUBLIC HOSPITALS, AND KEVIN NIDA, CALIFORNIA STATE FIREFIGHTERS' ASSOCIATION

DEAR MELISSA AND KEVIN: I'm pleased to help remind my readers about the danger of burns in winter, and your warning that the longer Christmas trees are kept, the more easily they ignite.

After reading your letter I spoke with Capt. Steve Ruda, public information officer for the Los Angeles Fire Department, who pointed out that putting up a Christmas tree early increases the chances of a fire hazard. (Trees that are sold "freshly cut" are actually cut down in October.) He suggests that a good time to consider taking the tree down is when you touch it and the needles fall off easily.

Readers, search online for more safety tips, in both English and Spanish, at � HYPERLINK "http://www.caph.org" ��www.caph.org� or � HYPERLINK "http://www.csfa.net" ��www.csfa.net�. They're offered as public service messages from both of the above associations.

DEAR ABBY: Our mother embarrasses the heck out of us in restaurants. She makes lavish requests and is constantly complaining. How do we tell her she's embarrassing us? -- WE GOT A LEMON

DEAR GOT A LEMON: How about saying it in plain English when you're in private? And if she persists, don't take her to restaurants you visit often.

DEAR ABBY: Since being diagnosed with two types of cancer I have been unable to work. I have two wonderful dogs, and all my time is invested in them. I show them in obedience and agility exhibitions and love them dearly.

While talking with my husband of 25 years, I casually asked him about the dogs' care if I should pass away. His answer was shocking. He said he is prepared to give the dogs away -- to a good home, of course -- because he doesn't have the time and doesn't want to be bothered with them. What does this say about how he truly feels about me? -- DOGGIE BLUES IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOGGIE BLUES: What it says is your husband does not regard your dogs as extensions of you. It also says he is completely honest. Now that you know how he feels about your dogs, if you're smart, you will contact some of your friends on the dog show circuit and ensure that your dogs will be placed in homes where they are loved and appreciated -- preferably together -- should they outlive you. It will give you peace of mind, and your husband will have two less things to be "bothered" about in the event that you predecease him.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, who is six years younger, married for the first time at 42. Until she met her husband, who is overweight, she was never heavy. She always tried to watch her weight and exercised to a moderate degree. Once she met him, they found fine dining to be a favorite pleasure. She also has discovered that she loves to cook and watch the food channels on TV.

When we visit, talk or write, food dominates the topics. My sister has gained 70 or 80 pounds in six years. She doesn't exercise and won't buy a scale. My husband and I mention exercise or calories every time they discuss food. She does not appreciate "Big Sis" giving her advice, but I'm concerned about her. She doesn't read or watch the news, so I feel if I'm not telling her the risks, I'm just standing by watching her kill herself. What can I do? -- BATTLING A WEIGHTY ISSUE

DEAR BATTLING: First, stop lecturing your sister about her weight problem. Until she wants to address it, you will only alienate her. When she and her husband experience the health problems that may occur because of their obesity and sedentary lifestyle, be supportive and offer suggestions only if they are requested. The most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for. She will deal with her weight only when she's ready, and nothing you can do, however well-intentioned, will change that.

DEAR ABBY: I own a consignment shop and have an idea I would like to pass along to readers who need to do something with their wedding gowns, formals or other clothing. While donating to charity is a great idea, any community or school theater group would also greatly benefit from these donations.

It might open up an entirely new world if the person then attended the performance to see his or her clothing put to such good use. What do you think? -- JIM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR JIM: What a great idea. The more people who involve themselves with cultural activities in their communities, the better for all concerned. You're right -- it could open up new worlds (and opportunities) for those who choose to become involved.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)