DEAR ABBY: I'm pretty sure my husband is addicted to adult porn movies. We have several pornographic DVDs in the house and I can tell when they have been moved. He denies he's watching them, so confronting him again will only make him more angry and possibly push him "underground."

Our sex life, which used to be grand, has become almost non-existent. Do you have any suggestions? -- SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Yes. Rather than accuse your husband of being a porn addict, start a discussion about what has happened to your sex life. He may need to be examined by his doctor to determine if his problem could be physical. If that isn't the case, then marriage counseling with a licensed therapist might help.

However, it doesn't seem likely to me that a man who views only "several" adult DVDs is a porn addict. Porn addicts are usually glued to their computers at every available spare moment.

DEAR ABBY: I am married for the second time and have two lovely stepsons in their early 20s. Recently they told me that my sister "Gloria" (age 55) had asked them to remove their shirts during a holiday event several years ago. They were teenagers at the time. She told them she wanted to "at least look since she couldn't touch." After that, they no longer wanted to participate in family gatherings.

For the record, Gloria has a history of poor impulse control. She takes medication for it and also to control her temper. She would verbally bait the older boy, who would then antagonize her until I stopped him from playing a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

My relationship with my sister has always been contentious. She used to beat me when I was a child. She was also controlling and tried to order everyone around. Should I stop having family gatherings? Should I ask other relatives to police her? How do I confront her about the many things she has done? Or should I stop associating with her? -- VEXED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR VEXED: Because your sister seems unable to distinguish between what is and isn't appropriate behavior, have a talk with her and tell her what you expect from her before the next family gathering. I see little to be gained from a "confrontation" about what she did in the past.

If Gloria manages not to start trouble at the party, continue to include her. If not, no law says you must. If you don't, be prepared for questions about her absence and answer them directly and honestly.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is wondering what to say when someone calls me "sir" on the phone. I have heard my voice recorded, and I don't think I sound like a man. Still, it happens. It makes me feel angry and mortified. What do I say? -- "MA'AM" IN CINNAMINSON, N.J.

DEAR "MA'AM": You should say, "For your information, I'm a woman." That should clear up any confusion.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?"

At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes away.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I struggled for years to have children. After many attempts and disappointments we have exhausted all our options. It has been extremely difficult for me to accept.

My husband recently found his daughter from a previous relationship. He knew she existed, but his ex had kept the girl from him for many years. He is now ecstatic and wants to spend every minute with her. He tells me how happy he is to have a daughter. I want to be supportive, but it kills me.

The girl appears to have no desire to have me in her life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to view her as my stepdaughter. Yes, she's my husband's -- but she is his, not "ours."

I accept that my feelings are somewhat selfish, but I am not sure how to deal with them. I have been in and out of counseling with no change. Please help. -- NOT A "REAL" MOM

DEAR NOT: Stop beating yourself up for having unpleasant feelings. If your description is accurate, your husband has allowed his daughter to "clique" you out. While it's understandable that because of their long separation his daughter could be fixated on him and vice versa, he should let her know that both of you will love her if she'll give you the chance.

Look at it from her perspective. If she's a young woman, she is dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Try to be patient, treat her warmly when you see her, and give her a chance to get to know you. Good relationships aren't hatched fully formed; they take time to build.

DEAR ABBY: I have two small grandsons. They asked me why Santa Claus begs for money in front of the shopping mall. I was shocked by the question and didn't know what to tell them. So I said it was to get toys for all the other boys and girls.

My grandsons also asked me if Santa goes to bingo. I gave them the same answer. My daughter (their mom) was also surprised by their questions. I'm a bingo enthusiast, so I guess that's why they asked. Did I answer properly? what would you have said? -- GRANDMA GLORIA IN OHIO

DEAR GRANDMA GLORIA: You handled the questions masterfully. Had I been asked, my response would have differed only slightly. I might have said Santa was asking for donations so he could buy toys for the little boys and girls whose families couldn't afford them this Christmas -- and then handed Santa something from me and the grandkids.

DEAR ABBY: Please help California's public hospitals and firefighters by spreading a winter safety message that can help your readers prevent serious injury, disfigurement and death. Every winter we see house fires and burns caused by candles, fireplaces and space heaters, which are often used to heat or light homes during the cold, dark days of winter.

Children are at particular risk. Our hospitals' burn centers say that at least one-third of their patients are under the age of 4. We all know children are curious and will touch just about anything that catches their eye, but very young children don't have the reflexes to remove their hand quickly when they touch something hot. That's why we urge parents of young children to be especially vigilant throughout the winter months.

Christmas trees also become increasingly hazardous after the holidays, when people wait too long to dispose of trees that have dried out and become more flammable. -- MELISSA STAFFORD JONES, CALIFORNIA ASSOCIATION OF PUBLIC HOSPITALS, AND KEVIN NIDA, CALIFORNIA STATE FIREFIGHTERS' ASSOCIATION

DEAR MELISSA AND KEVIN: I'm pleased to help remind my readers about the danger of burns in winter, and your warning that the longer Christmas trees are kept, the more easily they ignite.

After reading your letter I spoke with Capt. Steve Ruda, public information officer for the Los Angeles Fire Department, who pointed out that putting up a Christmas tree early increases the chances of a fire hazard. (Trees that are sold "freshly cut" are actually cut down in October.) He suggests that a good time to consider taking the tree down is when you touch it and the needles fall off easily.

Readers, search online for more safety tips, in both English and Spanish, at � HYPERLINK "http://www.caph.org" ��www.caph.org� or � HYPERLINK "http://www.csfa.net" ��www.csfa.net�. They're offered as public service messages from both of the above associations.

DEAR ABBY: Our mother embarrasses the heck out of us in restaurants. She makes lavish requests and is constantly complaining. How do we tell her she's embarrassing us? -- WE GOT A LEMON

DEAR GOT A LEMON: How about saying it in plain English when you're in private? And if she persists, don't take her to restaurants you visit often.