Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Mac," calls me on the phone, he expects me to look at the caller ID and immediately interrupt whatever conversation I'm having to take his call.

Unless I expect an important call (from a doctor or my children's school), I do not look at the caller ID. I give my full attention to the person I'm speaking to. If I hear someone "beep," I'll attempt to quickly bring the conversation to a polite and natural end before calling back the person who tried to reach me.

Mac believes that anyone I'm talking to should understand that he takes priority. Today, he called seven times in two minutes to then berate me for not instantly taking his call about an unimportant matter.

Abby, in Mac's defense, he's a high-level executive with limited free time during the day. He is not otherwise demanding and usually calls me only once a day. I make every effort to quickly wrap up my phone calls and return his within minutes. Who is right? -- ON A SHORT PHONE LEASH

DEAR ON A SHORT PHONE LEASH: As your husband is a high-level executive, his time may be tightly scheduled. Because he calls you only once a day, it's not too much to ask that you take the call. I can understand that he finds it frustrating that you refuse. If I were you, I'd start taking these calls -- unless you would prefer getting your messages from your husband via his personal assistant.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Thelma," came to live with us two years ago because at 82, she was no longer financially able to support herself. Because she likes to cook, she has done most of the meal preparation. It has been a big help since my husband and I work full time.

Over the last year, Thelma's judgment has deteriorated and so have her cooking skills. She'll often prepare meals by 2 p.m. that won't be served until 6:00 or 7:00. The food sits on the stove or kitchen counter for hours. She also overcooks to the point of burning and meats are tough and difficult to eat. If she doesn't have something on hand that goes into a recipe -- or she can't remember -- she'll "substitute." Her choices generally do not work. Everything has become increasingly less appetizing, to put it mildly.

My mother-in-law is so kind, I don't want to offend her. My husband refuses to discuss it with her because he doesn't want to upset her. Please help. I'm worried about the length of time the food sits out after being prepared. Plus, I'd really like to have a good meal! -- HUNGRY IN MISSOURI

DEAR HUNGRY: Food is the least of your problems. Your mother-in-law is showing signs of dementia. Does her doctor know about this change in her? If not, that should be the first thing on your agenda. If so, then you and your husband need to understand that what's happening may be progressive. A point may come when, if a fire should start while she's cooking, she would no longer remember what to do.

You and your husband should consult his mother's physician and a geriatric specialist. You should also contact the Alzheimer's Association. And at the end of the day, you should "all" prepare your evening meals together.

DEAR ABBY: I really need some help. One of my friends and her boyfriend, "Jake," have been having problems and he wants to break up with her. I have had a crush on him since I first met him. My friend knew it and dated him anyway.

Jake has been flirting with me for a while now, and I feel uncomfortable because I flirted back. I'm afraid my girlfriend will think he broke up with her for me. Please help! -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Be warned. Jake appears to be someone with a roving eye and a short attention span. While he may have his eye on you, play it cool and hold off dating him until he has first dated one or two other girls. Even then, your girlfriend may not like the idea of your seeing him -- but she won't be able to accuse you of having had any involvement in their breakup.

DEAR ABBY: My husband started smoking two years ago, and it's driving me crazy -- especially the wasted time and money. I try not to nag him, but it's hard.

Because most restaurants are now non-smoking, when we go out to dinner, instead of smoking right before he goes in, then after we leave, he'll get up a few minutes after we order to go outside and smoke -- leaving me alone for five to 10 minutes. Sometimes he does it more than once.

It makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like people are staring at me. I have asked him repeatedly not to leave me sitting there, but he won't stop. I told him it's rude and he should respect me enough to remain with me through an entire meal, but he refuses. Please tell me what you think about this. -- SMOKING MAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SMOKING MAD: Your husband isn't being willfully disrespectful. He is so addicted to nicotine that he cannot sit through an entire meal with you because he must have another "fix"! While your suggestion that he have a cigarette before entering the restaurant is logical, he is unable to go without smoking for that relatively short length of time.

It's very sad. Because you can't convince him to recognize he has a problem, ask his doctor to help him quit. Then all I can advise is to appreciate him while you can, because his habit will eventually compromise his health.

DEAR ABBY: I am an intellectual giant. I have nothing in common with my peers. I am smarter than all of them. I am in a gifted-and-talented program in my school, and I am still unable to carry on a conversation that everyone in the room can understand. Please help me. -- HEADS ABOVE THE REST IN IDAHO

DEAR HEADS ABOVE THE REST: Being intellectually gifted is an asset -- unless it isolates you because you can't relate to others. If you're as smart as you say you are, you should try to do what other "intellectual giants" have done -- learn to analogize what you're trying to communicate so that others of lesser intelligence can understand you. It is a skill and it may take practice, but the alternative is being unable to share your valuable insights with others.

If you cannot manage what I am suggesting on your own, you may need some pointers from a psychologist to gain the tools you need.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very Merry Christmas to you all!

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print letters about random acts of kindness. May I share something that happened to me? On Jan. 30, 2009, my husband and I took our three kids to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate our twins' fourth birthday. When it was time to pay our bill, the waiter told us that a couple who had been sitting behind us had taken care of our tab.

What that couple didn't know was that the day before, my doctor had informed me a lump in my neck was probably lymphoma and that he needed to do a biopsy as soon as possible. He had wanted me to meet with a surgeon that morning, but I told him no. It was the twins' birthday, and I didn't want them to associate their birthday with the day Mommy got sick.

What that couple did was more than pay for our meal; it gave me hope. I felt it was a sign that everything would be "taken care of." To pay it forward, we left the waiter a large tip.

I did end up with Hodgkin's disease, but I have been in remission since August 2009. -- BLESSED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR BLESSED: Your letter made me smile. Your hope was rewarded and everything was "taken care of." And because Hodgkin's lymphoma is a treatable cancer, I hope you will continue to enjoy good health for many decades to come.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My father refuses to spend time with me. He is a firefighter and says he has a busy schedule. I understand that. But when he has extra time, he will find anything else to do. I tried talking to him -- it was like talking to a brick wall.

My mom has comforted me a lot, but I feel there is something missing in my life. That missing part is my dad. Please help me to figure out how I can make the situation better. -- GIRL IN NEED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR GIRL IN NEED: You have already done as much as you can. It is now up to your mother and/or your grandparents to help your father understand that there is more to being a parent than providing financial support. I hope he gets the message before it's too late -- for him, not you.

DEAR ABBY: An odd custom is beginning to surface in my local church. Showers for new brides and new mothers are being announced from the pulpit at Sunday services. All church members are invited to attend, and in one or two instances even told what to bring for gifts.

I have always understood that showers are given by close friends, relatives, associates, etc. Just what is proper procedure for this? How does one respond to these "open" invitations? I have not responded. Am I wrong? Please help. -- SOCIALLY NAIVE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SOCIALLY NAIVE: You are not wrong; you are correct. Approach your pastor and ask why this is being done. If the reason is that the bride-to-be or mother-to-be is financially needy, and you would like to contribute, then attend the showers. If not, then treat the announcement as you would any open invitation. If you choose not to attend, you are not obligated to give a gift.

P.S. I agree with you. It is an "odd" custom.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)