DEAR ABBY: After having been out of the U.S. for many years, I noticed upon returning that people here seem to be much fatter. I went to a family gathering, and virtually every formerly slim member of my family had also gotten bigger.

I quietly mentioned it to one of my sisters, and word got around that I had "no manners." My other sister, "Niki," who has a degree in psychology, told me in no uncertain terms that people never talk about such things with each other.

I explained to her that mentioning it once, or discussing the ballooning of America, can be appropriate. I believe our country has fattened up because of a lazy attitude toward exercise and calories. Niki vehemently opposes my discussing it.

I learned later that she neglected to invite me to her son's wedding for fear I would say something about you-know-what to her in-laws. I admit, I don't have a silver tongue -- but I'm disappointed my favorite psychologist has blackballed me and cut off communication. It's sad to lose a sister this way. Please advise, Abby. -- BROTHER BLACK SHEEP

DEAR BROTHER BLACK SHEEP: Why do I think there's more to this story than you have written? Obesity has become an epidemic in this country, and the reasons for it are more complicated than a lazy attitude.

You don't need a "silver tongue" to apologize to your sisters for having offended them. Perhaps your "favorite psychologist" would have invited you to her son's wedding if you had been willing to apologize.

People who have weight issues know they are fat. They don't need to debate it. And they don't need you to remind them or imply they are lazy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 45-year-old male reader. I have been friends with "Oscar" for 20 years. He asked me to be the godparent of his new baby girl. As you can imagine, I was overwhelmed when he asked. I have never been a godparent. We discussed it at length, and I told him I needed to think it over to be sure of my decision.

After a few days I was still indecisive. Part of me wanted to do it and part of me didn't. I told Oscar it was an honor, but that I felt unsure and not fully committed. I knew if I were to accept and then reconsider, it wouldn't be cool. So I bowed out to give him time to find someone else.

Oscar's reaction told me he was deeply angry and hurt. That night I hardly slept. I kept thinking how much I had disappointed my friend, his wife and their entire family. I feel terribly guilty. It's clear that Oscar was expecting me to say yes. Is it wrong to say no when someone asks you to be a godparent? -- TRUE FRIEND IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TRUE FRIEND: No, it's not wrong if the person who is asked does not feel able to fulfill the obligations that go with that honor. Your friend may feel less hurt if you explain to him your reasons for not accepting and the fact that you wouldn't want to agree if you couldn't do everything that would be expected of you. Saying no sometimes requires tact, but I'll give you credit for being honest about your feelings.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Mac," calls me on the phone, he expects me to look at the caller ID and immediately interrupt whatever conversation I'm having to take his call.

Unless I expect an important call (from a doctor or my children's school), I do not look at the caller ID. I give my full attention to the person I'm speaking to. If I hear someone "beep," I'll attempt to quickly bring the conversation to a polite and natural end before calling back the person who tried to reach me.

Mac believes that anyone I'm talking to should understand that he takes priority. Today, he called seven times in two minutes to then berate me for not instantly taking his call about an unimportant matter.

Abby, in Mac's defense, he's a high-level executive with limited free time during the day. He is not otherwise demanding and usually calls me only once a day. I make every effort to quickly wrap up my phone calls and return his within minutes. Who is right? -- ON A SHORT PHONE LEASH

DEAR ON A SHORT PHONE LEASH: As your husband is a high-level executive, his time may be tightly scheduled. Because he calls you only once a day, it's not too much to ask that you take the call. I can understand that he finds it frustrating that you refuse. If I were you, I'd start taking these calls -- unless you would prefer getting your messages from your husband via his personal assistant.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Thelma," came to live with us two years ago because at 82, she was no longer financially able to support herself. Because she likes to cook, she has done most of the meal preparation. It has been a big help since my husband and I work full time.

Over the last year, Thelma's judgment has deteriorated and so have her cooking skills. She'll often prepare meals by 2 p.m. that won't be served until 6:00 or 7:00. The food sits on the stove or kitchen counter for hours. She also overcooks to the point of burning and meats are tough and difficult to eat. If she doesn't have something on hand that goes into a recipe -- or she can't remember -- she'll "substitute." Her choices generally do not work. Everything has become increasingly less appetizing, to put it mildly.

My mother-in-law is so kind, I don't want to offend her. My husband refuses to discuss it with her because he doesn't want to upset her. Please help. I'm worried about the length of time the food sits out after being prepared. Plus, I'd really like to have a good meal! -- HUNGRY IN MISSOURI

DEAR HUNGRY: Food is the least of your problems. Your mother-in-law is showing signs of dementia. Does her doctor know about this change in her? If not, that should be the first thing on your agenda. If so, then you and your husband need to understand that what's happening may be progressive. A point may come when, if a fire should start while she's cooking, she would no longer remember what to do.

You and your husband should consult his mother's physician and a geriatric specialist. You should also contact the Alzheimer's Association. And at the end of the day, you should "all" prepare your evening meals together.

DEAR ABBY: I really need some help. One of my friends and her boyfriend, "Jake," have been having problems and he wants to break up with her. I have had a crush on him since I first met him. My friend knew it and dated him anyway.

Jake has been flirting with me for a while now, and I feel uncomfortable because I flirted back. I'm afraid my girlfriend will think he broke up with her for me. Please help! -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Be warned. Jake appears to be someone with a roving eye and a short attention span. While he may have his eye on you, play it cool and hold off dating him until he has first dated one or two other girls. Even then, your girlfriend may not like the idea of your seeing him -- but she won't be able to accuse you of having had any involvement in their breakup.

DEAR ABBY: My husband started smoking two years ago, and it's driving me crazy -- especially the wasted time and money. I try not to nag him, but it's hard.

Because most restaurants are now non-smoking, when we go out to dinner, instead of smoking right before he goes in, then after we leave, he'll get up a few minutes after we order to go outside and smoke -- leaving me alone for five to 10 minutes. Sometimes he does it more than once.

It makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like people are staring at me. I have asked him repeatedly not to leave me sitting there, but he won't stop. I told him it's rude and he should respect me enough to remain with me through an entire meal, but he refuses. Please tell me what you think about this. -- SMOKING MAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SMOKING MAD: Your husband isn't being willfully disrespectful. He is so addicted to nicotine that he cannot sit through an entire meal with you because he must have another "fix"! While your suggestion that he have a cigarette before entering the restaurant is logical, he is unable to go without smoking for that relatively short length of time.

It's very sad. Because you can't convince him to recognize he has a problem, ask his doctor to help him quit. Then all I can advise is to appreciate him while you can, because his habit will eventually compromise his health.

DEAR ABBY: I am an intellectual giant. I have nothing in common with my peers. I am smarter than all of them. I am in a gifted-and-talented program in my school, and I am still unable to carry on a conversation that everyone in the room can understand. Please help me. -- HEADS ABOVE THE REST IN IDAHO

DEAR HEADS ABOVE THE REST: Being intellectually gifted is an asset -- unless it isolates you because you can't relate to others. If you're as smart as you say you are, you should try to do what other "intellectual giants" have done -- learn to analogize what you're trying to communicate so that others of lesser intelligence can understand you. It is a skill and it may take practice, but the alternative is being unable to share your valuable insights with others.

If you cannot manage what I am suggesting on your own, you may need some pointers from a psychologist to gain the tools you need.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very Merry Christmas to you all!