DEAR ABBY: I'm a 38-year-old man who is in love with a 45-year-old woman. She was married for 20 years and has three children. She was separated for two years before we started dating.

She and her ex are extremely civil, and she spends nights at his house in order to see the children. I support her in this because I don't ever want her to feel like I'm making her choose. Her ex doesn't want her back, nor does she want to reconcile. They are friends.

This morning she had an appointment with a divorce lawyer and came home saying she isn't ready to do it. She's afraid her ex will become vindictive and use the kids as leverage. I told her there are custody arrangements that protect both parents. She says she loves me, but she's worried that it isn't fair for me. I told her relationships aren't always "fair." She expressed that when she's with her kids she misses me and vice-versa.

I don't know what to say or do. I love her, but how do I comfort her? -- STANDING BY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STANDING BY: Your lady friend may be separated from her husband, but she's not yet ready to move on. Or, the lawyer may have said something that frightened her. You're doing all you can to comfort her. But she may need professional counseling and more time before she's ready to take the next step and end the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My husband comes from a line of men in his family who don't like to go to the doctor. I can't remember the last time he went for a physical. He puts off going even when he has an ailment.

We have three young children, and I'm genuinely concerned that my husband could one day have a sudden health emergency or a life-threatening illness that could have been prevented if it had been discovered in time. We love him with all our hearts and just want him to get an annual physical to stay healthy and be with us for many, many years to come. PLEASE help him see the importance of regular exams. -- LOVING WIFE IN OHIO

DEAR LOVING WIFE: Let's do it together. There are reasons why men have a shorter life expectancy than women in this country. I'm sad to say that one of them is fear of going to the doctor. Because today is Father's Day, remind your husband that he has a family who loves him and needs him healthy. Remind your husband that if anything should happen to him he would leave all of you not only heartbroken but also likely struggling financially. He needs to understand that the greatest gift he can give all of you would be to schedule an appointment with his physician for a baseline checkup.

DEAR READERS: I offer good wishes not only to fathers everywhere, but also to those caring individuals who donate their time to mentor youngsters whose fathers are absent or deceased.

Many readers have asked me for a prayer in memory of a father who is no longer living. The following prayer is from the Hebrew Union Prayer Book, and is recited on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. It is also available in my "Keepers" booklet:

IN MEMORY OF A FATHER

"Thy memory, my dear father, fills my soul at this solemn hour. It revives in me thoughts of the love and friendliness which thou didst bestow upon me. The thought of these inspires me to a life of virtue; and when my pilgrimage on earth is ended and I shall arrive at the throne of mercy, may I be worthy of thee in the sight of God and man. May our merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou has ever shown me; may He grant thee eternal peace. Amen."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a great guy, "Jonah," for four months. We get along well and enjoy a lot of the same things. At times he can be jealous when other men notice me, but we have never had arguments about it. Only one thing about me really bothers him -- it's my infatuation with actor Mark Wahlberg.

Jonah is so upset about it he refuses to see any of Mark's films with me and gets annoyed when I mention him. It irks me because I know being with Mark isn't a realistic option, but Jonah acts like it is. What can I say to make him see that he (Jonah) is the only one I want to be with and Mark is just a fantasy? -- STAR-CROSSED LOVER

DEAR STAR-CROSSED: You may have said too much already. Stop bringing up Mark Wahlberg and see his films in the company of your girlfriends. While Jonah may be a "great guy," he appears to be somewhat insecure, which is why he becomes jealous when another man notices you. And insecure men can become irrational and controlling, so monitor his behavior and do not make any commitments until you both have matured.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married at the end of the summer. It will be a formal wedding. I have a biological father I see once or twice a year, and a stepfather who has been a big part of my life.

I would prefer my stepfather to walk me down the aisle, but I feel guilty about what my biological father and other relatives might think. Should I worry about their opinions or just do what makes me comfortable? -- TOUCHY DECISION IN OHIO

DEAR TOUCHY DECISION: You shouldn't worry about their "opinions" as much as their feelings. Talk with both of your fathers about this. And if there would be hurt feelings, consider having your biological father walk you halfway down the aisle and your stepfather take you the rest of the way to the altar if you feel closer to him.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter "Melanie" is finishing her master's degree in social work. She's excited about pursuing her future career; however, when we tell our friends about her, we get disappointing -- and sometimes, hurtful -- responses. Some samples: "Whose idea was that?!" "You know she's going to starve, don't you?" "Oh ... they don't make much money," and, "I'm sorry!" These comments come from people with whom we've had warm relationships for years.

We know our daughter won't be rich. That's not her objective. We're proud of Melanie's choice and how hard she has prepared. We think she'll be a wonderful social worker. We have always been supportive of our friends' children and their choices. Is there a way to respond to these people without being rude? -- PROUD PARENTS IN DES MOINES

DEAR PROUD PARENTS: You should be proud. You have raised a daughter who will make an important contribution to the lives of those she touches. When someone makes a thoughtless comment such as the ones you mentioned, tell them what you wrote to me: "We're proud of our daughter's choice and how hard she has worked to prepare. We know she'll be a wonderful social worker." Period.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a guitarist in a rock band that has been performing in the San Francisco Bay area for five years. Because my on-again, off-again girlfriend, "Robin," didn't get along with my band mates, I found myself often caught in the middle. Her dislike of the band scene distanced me from the other members of the band and resulted in my not hanging out with them like I used to. Mounting pressures from both sides caused my breakup with Robin, someone I cared about and loved deeply.

The split resolved the problem with the band, but now they are asking me for reassurance that I won't date anyone in the future who will have a negative impact on the band. I made a big personal sacrifice for them, and I think it's insulting and insensitive to demand reassurance that history won't repeat itself. I have told them I'm ready to move forward with no more obstacles. Abby, please advise. -- DISSONANT CHORD IN THE COMPOSITION

DEAR DISSONANT CHORD: You may be a "dissonant chord," but your band mates' demand strikes a sour note with me. While a career in music -- particularly if you get lucky and spend a lot of time touring -- is undeniably demanding, your partners in this business should not have the right to dictate your personal life. You gave 'em an inch, and now they expect a mile.

If you're prepared to have them dictate your life for as long as the band lasts, then keep on strumming and keep your promise. But I predict that at some point you are going to have to draw the line. Have another gig lined up when you do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a gay man in a bad situation. My boyfriend, "Kyle," is bipolar/schizophrenic. Sometimes he can be violent. Much of our time together is spent taking care of him. I work; he doesn't.

We are both college students and I believe, regardless of what I have been through, I have a bright future ahead of me. Kyle is verbally and physically abusive at times, and yes, I end up hurt most of those times. I have convinced myself that it's my fault because I make him mad when he is under stress or he is manic. He breaks up with me every week and then tells me he loves me, then turns around and says he hates me.

Abby, all I want to do is love him and help him. I don't know what he wants or what will make him happy. I need to know if I should stick with Kyle or give up. -- HOPELESSLY DEVOTED IN JERSEY CITY, N.J.

DEAR HOPELESSLY DEVOTED: Healthy, loving relationships are based on a relatively even give-and-take between partners. You may want to help Kyle, but you are not qualified to do so.

Because you say your situation is a "bad" one, and your boyfriend is verbally abusive and hurts you physically as well as emotionally, I am advising you to find out from a mental health professional why you would subject yourself to the emotional roller coaster ride that you have. If you do, this will happen to you less often in the future. Also, the counselor can help you decide whether this relationship is salvageable.

DEAR ABBY: After moving out of your parents' home, is one expected to knock on the door when visiting, or is it OK to just open the door and walk in? -- HEY MOM, I'M HOME!

DEAR "HEY MOM!": The considerate thing to do would be to knock, which would prevent any embarrassing surprises.