DEAR ABBY: After a bitter seven-year estrangement from his family, my husband received his grandfather's eulogy in the mail. His father sent it with a note that read, "Here's a copy of the eulogy I read at his funeral." Abby, this was how his family notified him of his grandfather's death -- two weeks after the fact. We had attempted several reconciliations with no success.

A month later, my husband died at the age of 36 -- depressed and suffering from black lung disease. His family blames me for his depression. Not a single relative of my husband's attended his memorial service despite being given three weeks' notice and my having mailed them formal invitations.

My husband left a declaration in his will that his family should never know our child, whom they abandoned at 2 months old via a letter to us and my family. I feel I have been choking on their toxic behavior and venom. Do you have any advice as we move forward with our crosses after being abused by these narcissists for more than seven years? -- SAD AND BITTER WIDOW IN TENNESSEE

DEAR SAD AND BITTER WIDOW: Yes. Put down those crosses and recognize that the anger and bitterness you feel will only poison yourself and your child. Obey your husband's wishes and raise your child in a healthy emotional environment -- as far from your husband's family as possible. Unless you do, the mistreatment to which you have been subjected will affect both your lives and you will waste what could be a happy future.

DEAR ABBY: I know some children who seem to be mature and are able to make logical decisions on a fairly regular basis. Still, making a decision under stress when one has not had a lot of experience can be difficult.

Having said that, at what age do you think it is appropriate to leave a child alone at home? Sometimes it's difficult to arrange for child care when kids are out of school. Do you have any guidelines as to what to look for that can help make this decision? -- BUSY WORKING PARENT IN KANSAS

DEAR BUSY WORKING PARENT: I don't think children should be left alone if there is any other alternative available -- after-school programs, YMCA, activities where they will have adult supervision. Too many things can go wrong, and you would never forgive yourself if one of them happened to your child.

DEAR ABBY: How does one respond to a former co-worker/acquaintance who wants you to be a reference at your current workplace? My experience with him was not ideal. He was a good worker, but he became irritable when he was under stress and drowned everyone around him in negative energy. I don't want to work with this individual again, but I prefer to be nonconfrontational. -- FORMER COLLEAGUE IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.

DEAR FORMER COLLEAGUE: If you are asked again, tell your former co-worker you are not comfortable assuming that responsibility. Don't be defensive and don't allow the person to pressure you. And you do not have to explain why you have chosen not to give the reference.

DEAR ABBY: When I married my husband, "Mason," 30 years ago, I was the only girl he could get. He was a great catch by my standards -- and still is. But back then nobody else wanted him but me, which was fine with me. I don't like competition.

We have had a great life together up until the last 10 years or so. Mason is aging gracefully, and there's something about him now that every woman is suddenly interested in. They all treat him like he's a new toy. They fawn over him and I become invisible.

We don't get out much, and I used to think I wanted to go out more -- but now I just want to stay home and hide my husband inside. The real problem is, Mason loves the attention. It could be what he always wanted. I don't know how to handle this without getting my feelings hurt, pouting and being incredibly jealous. He gives me no reason to think he'll be unfaithful, but I can't help but worry. Help! -- WIFE OF A LATE BLOOMER

DEAR WIFE: Congratulations. You are now a member of a "club" comprised of spouses living in the shadows of actors, politicians, moguls, etc. However, your self-esteem issues could create real problems for you and your husband if you don't learn to deal with them.

You weren't the "only woman Mason could get" -- you're the woman Mason chose to spend his life with. The sooner you accept that, the better off both of you will be. If you can't do it on your own, counseling could help because hiding is not the answer.

DEAR ABBY; My son and daughter-in-law live like pigs. Neither one of them was raised that way. They live in a beautiful home that literally smells like a litter box. I would look the other way or not visit, but now they have four children.

Not only are my grandchildren unkempt and dirty -- dirty clothes, smelly shoes, unwashed hair -- but my son and his wife foist their parenting duties off on their daughter, who's only 10. It's HER job to get her brothers up and bathed, changed, dressed and fed so Mom and Dad can sleep late. The poor girl is exhausted all the time. She doesn't always have the time to brush her own hair/teeth before school. She's often made fun of.

My son sees nothing wrong with these "chores," and I'm afraid to say anything because I know my daughter-in-law will cut me off from the kids. What's sad is my son allows it. Am I crazy? Please help. -- DESPERATE GRANDMA ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR DESPERATE GRANDMA: You're not crazy; you're a caring grandmother who can't stand seeing her grandchildren neglected. Now pick up the phone and call Childhelp. The toll-free number is 800-422-4453. The advocate who answers the call can give you information about agencies that can help, and your confidentiality will be protected.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law drops by our house nearly every weekend. He arrives so early that we're usually still in bed. He also rides a motorcycle that sounds like a jet engine and disturbs our neighbors.

I have asked my husband several times to talk to his dad about these early morning visits. He refuses to say anything. We have two kids who are 4 and 9 months. Sleep is something we cherish. What do I do? -- ANNOYED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Because your husband refuses to stand up and explain to his father that he needs to come at a specific time -- like 11 o'clock -- that task now falls to you. Speak up!

DEAR ABBY: This letter is to offer sympathy to "Trish in Louisiana" (Sept. 25), who was seated next to two large passengers on a three-hour flight. It has happened to me.

The airlines control the size and weight of baggage, whether it's checked or carry-on, and charge when it's overweight. So why do they turn a blind eye when it comes to passengers who must endure being crowded out of the seats we have paid for? If airlines aren't willing to screen passengers for size, perhaps they should provide a few rows of larger seats to accommodate them.

Airlines have sacrificed comfort for economy to the point that the seats are simply too small. I'm an average-size woman, but I find the seats are barely large enough. They're crowded so close together you can't move your legs, and they don't actually recline. I agree with your advice to speak up if you find yourself being squeezed. -- ELLEN IN LAS CRUCES

DEAR ELLEN: While your letter reflects the views of many readers, they all emphatically agree that airlines need to do a better job of customer service regarding the seating on passenger planes. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: As America grows larger, airline seats grow smaller. Trish was right to be compassionate. If airlines treat large people (who are also paying customers) like dirt so they can turn a profit by squeezing passengers into every inch of space, they are wrong.

There are ways to be creative and not humiliate anyone. The flight attendant could have moved a child to her seat with Mom across the aisle.

I recommend that flight attendants think along those lines, because having a gate attendant drag people off flights is not the best way to handle this and should only be a last resort. We're all customers, and we all deserve to be treated with dignity. -- MARY IN VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR ABBY: The fault lies with airline management. They should specify up front in their ad campaigns that if the passengers' dimensions exceed certain parameters, they must buy two tickets. -- COMFORTABLE ON THE GROUND

DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to all three. I am a plus-size woman and my husband is "normal" size. His field is marketing, and I showed him your letter. He said recent surveys have shown that one-third of people who refuse to fly do so because of the tight seating, and not fear of an accident. Airlines pack people in like sardines to make more money, and it is resented.

I quit flying years ago because of claustrophobia. If I had to fly now, I'd buy a first-class ticket. I wonder why the planes don't have six or eight seats in the back of coach that are larger and cost more money, but less than first class.

Something has to be done to make flying safer and more comfortable for everyone. Surely we have the intellectual capacity to solve these problems. -- NO LONGER A FREQUENT FLIER IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: It's unfortunate that Trish didn't stick to her guns and continue with her complaint. I believe airlines should head these problems off at the gate. They have a box to check the size of carry-on luggage; they should also have a passenger seat to check the size of people. If someone doesn't fit, then that person must buy an additional ticket for a second seat. -- REFUSES TO BE SQUISHED