Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My mother, Eleanor, passed away last Aug. 30. She spent her long life helping others. During her eulogy, I described her by saying, "Her best lesson, the one she modeled for us, is that a selfless life devoted to family and others, is the highest example of God's work here on Earth."

After the funeral, my brother mentioned that the one thing Mom had wanted read during her service was an item she had saved from a column of yours that was published in 1999. It eloquently captures the essence of bigotry and lack of compassion in our society.

Although we have made significant inroads on eradicating prejudice, I found it still timely. Would you please print it again? -- ELLIE'S DAUGHTER IN SEATTLE

DEAR DAUGHTER: I am honored that your mother found something she saw in my column to be so meaningful. Please accept my sympathy for her passing. I agree that the poem, which is attributed to James Patrick Kinney, is worth sharing again.

THE COLD WITHIN

Six humans trapped in happenstance

In dark and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first woman held hers back,

For of the faces around the fire,

She noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way

Saw not one of his church,

And couldn't bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use,

To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned,

From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave,

Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death's still hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 18-year-old male living on my own in an apartment not far from my parents' home. They visit me often and take turns driving me to the local college because I don't have a car.

My parents tend to worry about me. I'm rather thin, but I eat healthy. My dad goes over the top with his concern about my weight and it is hurtful. He has called me a "cadaver" in front of friends. And when he drops me off after classes, he often says, "Now go eat something fattening!"

I have tried to discuss how his repeated comments affect my self-confidence, but am always met with, "I'm your father. I have every right to be concerned." Am I wrong to take offense at my dad's brand of concern? Is there anything I can do to evade these hurtful comments? -- TWIG WITH FEELINGS

DEAR TWIG: Your father's attempt to "help" you by ridiculing you in front of your contemporaries is insensitive. The fact that he is your father does not entitle him to be cruel.

If there is a student health center at your college, go there and talk to a medical professional about what is a healthy weight for your height and age, and whether any medical tests might be necessary to verify your health. If not, consult your family physician. This may provide the "proof" you need in discussions with your father. Some males fill out later than others.

You should also ask your mother to point out to your dad that what he's doing is counterproductive. Perhaps she can make him see the light. If that doesn't work, arrange other transportation to and from school so you will be less dependent on your father.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I were talking about how wimpy a lot of guys in our generation are. We're both in our mid-20s and seldom meet guys who take charge.

Several times we have met guys who said they'd call and set up a date. We know they're interested because they have told our friends they'd like to date us again. But then they don't call. Try as we might to give them chances to ask us out, they usually don't.

I know that traditional dating rules are often discarded, but I don't want to be the aggressor. Their being "scared" isn't an acceptable excuse, much less an attractive quality. Why do women so often have to do all the work nowadays or end up alone? -- PREFERS TRADITIONAL

DEAR PREFERS TRADITIONAL: Women do not have to do all the work in a relationship or risk remaining single for life. But they do have to shoulder a lot more of the responsibility than a generation ago as a result of the women's movement. (Yes, I know I'll catch "heck" for saying it.) As women have become more independent and aggressive, the old rules of romance have started to disappear.

Men aren't stupid. Their view is, "If women are willing to do the courting, why should men do it?" The guys you've described aren't wimps; their passivity hasn't turned other women off. Sending you messages through your friends instead of being direct and following through on their promises to call is business as usual for them. While their behavior may seem immature, it has worked for them before.

Don't give up hope. There are men who are interested in old-fashioned romance, but they are fewer in number. Be patient, keep looking and you'll find one.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee said, "Shut up!" during a recent conversation with my mom, using the phrase in the same way people say, "No way!" or, "Get outta here!" to express friendly disbelief.

Mom didn't say anything and gave me no reason to believe she was offended; however, I find talk like that better suited to friends and siblings -- not parents or future in-laws.

As soon as we were alone I asked my fiancee to please not use that expression with my parents. She said she'd try, but warned me that it might be hard to stop herself. A frequent reader of your column, she also said you probably would have told me to let it go. I suggested we find out. Should I have said nothing? -- POSSIBLE PRUDE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR POSSIBLE PRUDE: Your fiancee is mistaken. I would never advise someone to ignore something that could be offensive. You were right to speak up. For people in your parents' generation, "shut up" has a different connotation than with younger people and could be considered offensive. I hope your intended will take your suggestion to heart. However, in case she should slip, explain to your folks that the phrase is used commonly and isn't meant as an insult -- as jarring to them as it may be to hear.

DEAR ABBY: I have had the same group of friends for 20 years. They are an affluent group -- doctors, lawyers, etc. -- and very social. My best friend got wind of the fact that I had gone out with an African-American man. She confronted me, told me we could no longer be friends and then kicked me out of her house. If I call her, she hangs up on me.

We had a loving, longtime friendship. It has been five months now and no one has called. I am sad and shocked. I always thought of her as my best friend, and my other friends who were also dear to me are shunning me as well. What should I do? -- OUTCAST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OUTCAST: I know this has been painful, but you need to recognize that in spite of their educational and financial advantages, your friends' thinking hasn't changed despite nearly 50 years of improving race relations. You grew; they didn't. For your own sake, you must accept that you and these people are on different paths and will never agree on this. Look elsewhere for companions who think more like you do. Believe me, there are many out there.

DEAR ABBY: With the holidays here and family gathering to celebrate, some will be overnight guests. Although we have had pets here in the past, my wife and I are older now. Our home has been remodeled and we no longer have pets because we don't have time to properly maintain an animal. We also travel frequently and don't want to leave a pet in a kennel.

My point is, if people are guests during one of these gatherings, please check first to see if pets are welcome. I know some relatives may feel their pet is one of the family, but they need to consider it may be a burden for the homeowner.

Thanks for getting my message out, Abby. -- "THE OLD GUY" IN WISCONSIN

DEAR "OLD GUY": Excuse me? What if the family members your message is intended for happen to miss reading my column? Because you want to ensure the message is received, the most effective method to do that would be to speak up and make your wishes known in advance -- especially in a case like this one.