DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years to a good guy who is a great dad. We have two boys, ages 9 and 11. The problem is, we don't communicate. We hardly have sex and we don't get along at all.

I feel like I have sacrificed physical and emotional intimacy so my kids can have both parents in their lives full-time. When I think of writing down my husband's attributes, all I can think of is that he's a good dad, good worker and helps out around the house. But I have no problem coming up with a list of bad things.

Am I selfish? Should I just smother my emotions and go on like I have been all these years? -- UNFULFILLED IN GEORGIA

DEAR UNFULFILLED: It's not selfish to want emotional and physical intimacy with another person. It's normal, and your husband may miss it, too.

There's an alternative to ending your marriage, and that is fighting to save it. It would require effort from both of you and the services of a licensed marriage counselor. However, if it works, I know you'll thank me. And if it doesn't, at least you will know you tried. Why not suggest to your husband that you make it your first New Year's resolution?

DEAR ABBY: Right now I'm so tired I can hardly write this letter asking for the advice I need. I work the 11 p.m.-7 a.m. shift at a prison. Because I'm home during the day, everyone assumes I am available to socialize. How do I get through to them that I sleep during the day and work at night? A lot of people -- including my husband -- will say to me, "What? You're not up yet?" when I have been asleep for only three hours.

I have thought about calling these people from work at 2 a.m. asking, "Aren't you up yet?" Then they might get the picture. What do you think? -- WORKING A 40-HOUR WEEK AT AGE 73

DEAR WORKING: The insensitivity of the folks in your circle is surprising. And as for your husband, did you marry someone who is sadistic or selfish? Tell him that if he wants to enjoy the benefits of your paycheck, he will have to make sure you get enough sleep to earn one.

When people call or come by and disturb your rest, tell them plainly you do not want to be disturbed before a certain time. Then turn off your phone, let callers leave messages on your voicemail and return them when you're fully awake. As to those who still drop by -- by all means call them at 2 a.m.

DEAR ABBY: Christmas is fast approaching. Our family get-together consists of a crazy celebration where we draw numbers and choose a gift in numerical order. If we want, we can choose a gift that someone already has.

I'd like your opinion on re-gifting. Each year some family members just bring the gift they received last year, rewrapped. I think if someone doesn't care enough to shop for a $20 gift for a family exchange, it takes away from the idea of gift-giving. What do you think? -- JIM IN AMARILLO, TEXAS

DEAR JIM: I think you should find your sense of humor where you misplaced it, and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. The kind of party you describe is done for laughs, and none of the gifts is selected with one specific person in mind if it can be claimed by another.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown the eight days of Hanukkah begin. Happy Hanukkah, everyone! May all of you enjoy a joyous festival of lights.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for nine months. We have decided to host Christmas dinner at our house and invited 20 people -- 10 from each of our families. His mother, unfortunately, is having a hard time accepting that her 27-year-old son is growing up.

She says she feels "awkward" and that their family has had its traditions for many years. (My boyfriend has spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas night at his parents' house since birth.)

I come from a family that is adaptable to change. Any suggestions for dealing with this potential future mother-in-law? -- FREE SPIRIT IN PHOENIX

DEAR FREE SPIRIT: First of all, don't plan on your boyfriend's parents attending your Christmas dinner, and don't take it personally if they don't. She may be unwilling to change their Christmas tradition.

If and when a wedding date is set, or your boyfriend makes clear to her that your arrangement will be permanent, the three of you can then come to an agreement to alternate these holidays so you and your parents are able to also host these gatherings. This is how new families establish their own traditions and in-laws aren't made to feel that one side is favored.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my fiance for two years. Lately he's been having trouble controlling his anger. His outbursts are becoming more frequent, and he feels like they're justified. He says if I didn't "nag" him so much there wouldn't be any arguments.

I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm becoming frightened by the level he allows his anger to reach. Can you help a man like this deal with his anger? -- NEEDS HELP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NEEDS HELP: No, and neither can you, as much as you might wish to. Only he can do that, and it would take willingness on his part and counseling. Blaming you for his outbursts indicates he's not ready to do that. The smartest thing you can do is leave before he escalates to hurting you physically. Without professional help, the behavior you have described will only get worse.

DEAR ABBY: I have an elderly neighbor I have been friends with for many years. Over the past several years she has had numerous medical problems. I have done everything I can to be her friend. I do things around the house, bring her meals, whatever I can. She has no family and only one other friend besides me.

She is depressed and stays in bed most of the day, which contributes to her aches and pains. I keep telling her she needs to get up and walk or her pain will get worse. It has reached the point where she's so nasty about everything that I don't even want to talk to her.

I understand that she's scared and feels beaten up. I try to talk about things that are noncontroversial -- happy things. It doesn't work. She turns everything into an argument. I don't know what to do. I hate to ignore her, but it's really taking a toll on me. Am I a fair-weather friend? -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR GOOD NEIGHBOR: No, you are a caring friend. Your elderly neighbor is ill, and she may be becoming demented. Because she is no longer able to care for herself or her home, contact the nearest hospital or senior center and ask to speak with a social worker on staff. The woman you describe may need more help than you can give her, from people with the training to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother, Eleanor, passed away last Aug. 30. She spent her long life helping others. During her eulogy, I described her by saying, "Her best lesson, the one she modeled for us, is that a selfless life devoted to family and others, is the highest example of God's work here on Earth."

After the funeral, my brother mentioned that the one thing Mom had wanted read during her service was an item she had saved from a column of yours that was published in 1999. It eloquently captures the essence of bigotry and lack of compassion in our society.

Although we have made significant inroads on eradicating prejudice, I found it still timely. Would you please print it again? -- ELLIE'S DAUGHTER IN SEATTLE

DEAR DAUGHTER: I am honored that your mother found something she saw in my column to be so meaningful. Please accept my sympathy for her passing. I agree that the poem, which is attributed to James Patrick Kinney, is worth sharing again.

THE COLD WITHIN

Six humans trapped in happenstance

In dark and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first woman held hers back,

For of the faces around the fire,

She noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way

Saw not one of his church,

And couldn't bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use,

To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned,

From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave,

Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death's still hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.