Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm married to the girl of my dreams. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We both work in the medical field. She's an emergency room nurse, and I'm a paramedic/firefighter.

For several years my wife worked the day shift at a hospital more than an hour away from home. I tried to convince her to find a job closer, so we could see each other more. Finally, she told me she had been offered a night shift position at the hospital here in town. She promised to switch to a day shift if one opened up. I thought that was great.

It has been almost a year now, and she is still working the night shift. There have been many daytime openings, but she hasn't requested any of them. On most of my days off, I watch her sleep.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I am not happy and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I have the girl of my dreams, but most of the time she is dreaming -- literally. Can you please help? -- AWAKE AND ALONE IN FLORIDA

DEAR AWAKE AND ALONE: You are missing out, on the fun and companionship that you should be enjoying with your wife. It's time to have a frank conversation with her and find out why she has been stalling about changing shifts. There could be more wrong in your marriage than incompatible schedules, but the problems won't be resolved unless you can be honest with each other. The current situation is unfair to you, and you are right to be concerned.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have hosted a holiday party for our neighbors every year for the last 10 years. Over time, we have invited more and more people, and we enjoy almost everyone. However, one of our neighbors, "Jim," is very rude. For the past several years he has taken it upon himself to invite several people to our party who he feels should be on the list. These are people we purposely did not invite.

Last year we decided not to invite Jim, but after he sent multiple emails demanding to know the date and time, we reluctantly invited him. He then had the nerve to send out an email to dozens of people he thought we had missed on the guest list, notifying them of the party. This really embarrassed my husband and me.

How can I tell him it's not his party, and how do we deal with the situation with the folks we did not initially invite but now know about the party? -- IT'S OUR PARTY

DEAR PARTY: There is more than one way to handle this. The most obvious would be to inform Jim that he won't be invited this year and tell him why. He is every host's nightmare, and his behavior is beyond nervy. A host must know how many guests to prepare for in order to ensure there will be enough food and beverages for everyone.

Another way would be to forgo giving the party for a year or two and perhaps take a short vacation. Tell anyone who asks why that the gatherings became too large to manage. And then, when you resume entertaining, limit the guest list to something more intimate than a casting call for "American Idol."

One thing is certain: If you continue to tolerate what's been happening, your hospitality will continue to be abused.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in grammar school 50 years ago, I was molested by two boys. I recently learned that they are now both dead.

I wrote to the sister of one of them and told her what her brother had done to me and how I felt about it. I'm glad that he is dead, and I told her so.

She responded, calling my letter sad and bitter for bringing up the matter after so much time has transpired. In the '60s the norm was not to tell anyone for fear of being spanked or beaten or called a liar and living in kid hell. I am a female, and the standard was so different in those days. Please print my letter. -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: If this was something the sister was unaware of, you shouldn't be surprised that she responded as she did to your bombshell.

I agree that we have become more open about discussing sex and sexual assaults than we were in the '60s. And I hope that somewhere along the way you received counseling to help you deal with the molestation, because talking with a qualified mental health professional about it can be therapeutic. However, if you haven't, please contact RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Its toll-free number is 800-656-4673. You can find assistance there, and nothing will shock them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the most wonderful man, "Art," for almost four years. He's strong, caring and he treats me like a princess. We have discussed marriage several times, and I suspect he will propose soon. I'm sure that Art is "the one," and I would marry him in a heartbeat. My only worry is that we'll end up like my parents someday.

I know this sounds silly, but while I was growing up, I never saw any signs that my parents really loved each other. Dad always seemed like he was trying too hard to make Mom happy, while she either was indifferent to his affections or dismissed his efforts. They would argue about the smallest things, to the point where I wished they would get divorced so I wouldn't have to hear them disagreeing.

I have mentioned my fears to Art and he has told me not to worry, but I can't help but worry. I love him too much to put him through the same emotional abuse, even accidentally, and I'd never want my kids to grow up thinking their parents didn't love each other. How can I keep the past from repeating? -- UNLIKE MY PARENTS

DEAR UNLIKE: Your mother may have been attempting to control your father by withholding affection and approval as he tried harder and harder to please her, and that's very sad. But you don't have to follow in her footsteps.

Children don't always grow up to emulate their parents. You are an individual, and you are well aware of the unhealthy pattern you observed while growing up. If you and Art are able to discuss your differences and reach a consensus when problems arise, you should be fine.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend "Alex's" mom is the most controlling person I have ever encountered. We only get to see each other on weekends because he lives an hour away from me. When we do see each other, it's for one-third of the day. Alex has to spend the other two-thirds with her. I'm 22 and he is 21.

He is also not allowed to stay with me. Alex has to lie to her about where he's staying in order to be able to spend time with me. His mom has added a feature to his cellphone in order to see where he is 24/7, and would cancel his service if he refused it.

I love my boyfriend unconditionally, but his mom is driving us both crazy and turning our relationship into a trio. We have tried getting her to back off, but it just makes her worse. I am at a loss as to what to do. What do you think we should do? -- EXTREMELY WORRIED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR EXTREMELY WORRIED: Frankly, you should be worried. Your boyfriend is an adult who seems to be firmly under his mother's thumb. He is completely dependent. At 21, Alex's activities should not be monitored, nor should he be spending two-thirds of his day with his mother. If nothing else, he should be looking for a job so he can sever the umbilical cord before it strangles him. You can't fix this. He has to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My former roommate and I took a short trip to Florida. We agreed we would split the hotel costs. I'd reserve the room; she would reimburse me after the trip.

She paid me a month later, and I deposited her check as soon as I could get to my bank, which was three weeks later. When the check went through, she attacked me because she said it drained her account! I apologized, but told her I was upset that she was making it seem like it was my fault.

I think that if someone is low on funds, the person should be more diligent in balancing his or her checkbook. Had I known she had money problems, I would have waited to deposit her check. It has been months, and my once best friend still won't speak to me. Was I wrong? -- AT FAULT? IN KENTUCKY

DEAR AT FAULT?: No, you were not. It was your friend's responsibility to make sure there were enough funds in her account to cover the check she gave you. She may be embarrassed, which is why she doesn't want to talk to you. People who are angry at themselves sometimes blame others. It's a sign of immaturity.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kristen" for seven months. She is great as far as personality, physical chemistry, similar likes and dislikes, and patience go. She is almost everything I have ever wanted in a girl. However, I have never called her "beautiful," although she has made a couple of "fishing" comments to try to get me to say it. In my eyes, that would be a lie.

Kristen is attractive, but not beautiful. I have always thought that anyone I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with would be "beautiful" to me, and I'd let her know accordingly. I can't discuss this with family or friends because I'm afraid they will think I'm shallow. Your thoughts? -- NOT SHALLOW IN PHOENIX

DEAR NOT SHALLOW: Candidly, I think that in spite of all of her wonderful qualities, Kristen is not "the one" for you. And you are not "the one" for her because what she needs is validation you can't give her. Women need to feel beautiful in the eyes of the men they love, and because you plan to spend your life with someone who is beautiful "to you," you should both move on.