Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I confess, I can be a procrastinator. Last year, my holiday cards sat on my desk, blank and unaddressed until almost Easter, when it was far too late to send them. This year, I figured brevity was better than not getting them sent, so I had photo cards made and wrote short notes on each before mailing them.

Several of my relatives have now told me they felt "snubbed and offended" by my short notes. One aunt is particularly upset and said (via my mother) that my cards "clearly showed I don't care about people, and I should have written proper letters or sent nothing."

Was I wrong to think "some" card was better than no card at all? Also, how should I appease the aunt who is not speaking to me over this? -- HOLIDAY CARD WRITER, AKRON, OHIO

DEAR HOLIDAY CARD WRITER: I don't think you were wrong. As to appeasing your aunt, who appears to be one of those individuals who hang onto imagined slights and delivers her messages via other people, perhaps you should consider leaving her off your Christmas card list from now on for fear of offending her further. Some people are just not "pleasable," and your aunt may be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old son, "P.J.," dresses in Army fatigues when he goes out. His clothes and boots -- including name patches -- make him look like a soldier. Because he seems so fascinated with the outfit, I asked him if he wants to consider joining the military. He said he's not interested, he just likes "the look."

I'm embarrassed when we're out together. Friends have commented, "I didn't know P.J. enlisted." My response is, "He's not in the military. He just likes to dress the part." When strangers have approached him and thanked him for his service and for protecting our country, he actually says, "You're welcome!"

When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to mind my own business. I feel he's representing himself as someone he's not. He does have a job. He buys his military gear online and at military shops.

How am I supposed to respond when people ask me obvious questions? Isn't it illegal to dress in Army attire when you're not affiliated with the military? -- MOM OF A CIVILIAN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR MOM: I can see why you are embarrassed. You should be. What your son is doing may not be illegal, but it is dishonest.

When you are asked if he is in the military, you should continue to tell the truth. Because your son doesn't set people straight when he is thanked for his service, what he's doing is disrespectful, unethical and unfair to anyone who actually has served.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small rural town with lots of nice neighbors. During the holidays, I receive a variety of delicious homemade gifts -- jams, cookies, breads and other specialties.

I am careful about my diet and consume no white flour or sugar. This means I must thank the person for the gifts, then figure out what to do with them. I hate throwing them out, and I don't know how to stop the practice. What's the best way to handle this annual dilemma? -- UNSURE IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR UNSURE: If you work, consider bringing the goodies with you and sharing them with your co-workers. Or, donate them to a shelter or senior center where they might be enjoyed and appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old, never-married mother of two. Last summer I started having an affair with "Jordan," the father of my first child. He left me when our daughter was a year old and has been engaged for three years in an on-again, off-again relationship.

I could give you excuses about why the affair started up again, but the truth is we both knew it was wrong and continued to do it anyway. I never stopped loving him and I thought it would bring him back to me.

Today I found out from Jordan's fiancee that they have set their wedding date for next spring. She said they would like for me to come. As if it wouldn't be painful enough to go to the wedding, his fiancee has also asked me to do her hair for the occasion. (I'm a hairstylist.)

Abby, Jordan and I are still having an affair. I want to tell her, but I don't want him to hate me. I believe this wedding is a big mistake for many reasons, not just the obvious. Please give me some outside advice. -- CAN'T HELP MYSELF IN OHIO

DEAR CAN'T HELP YOURSELF: OK, the first thing to do is wake up, smell the coffee and accept that resuming the sexual relationship with Jordan has not had the desired effect. He will be marrying someone else.

Next, concentrate on saving yourself and waste no more of your time on him -- that is, if you would like a permanent, monogamous relationship with someone. Jordan has given you ample proof that he is incapable of being faithful to one woman.

And last, tell his fiancee that you do not plan to attend the wedding or do her hair because you are in love with Jordan and have been sleeping with him since last summer.

DEAR ABBY: I have known my husband for seven years and I love him very much, but I am no longer "in love" with him. Somehow along the way the spark has fizzled.

We have a wonderful family and have been through so much together. I don't want a divorce. I want to make our marriage work, and so does he. So how do I get my spark back? -- SPARKLESS IN TEXAS

DEAR SPARKLESS: That you and your husband want your marriage to work means it is capable of being resuscitated. While you didn't give any details, it is possible that you have been "through so much" that it didn't allow you to concentrate on each other. Exhaustion and distraction can cause a spark to fizzle.

A way to reignite it would be to spend more time alone together, participate in activities you both enjoy, and make time on a regular basis to talk, relax and touch each other. And if necessary, enlist the services of a licensed marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: My sister relinquished custody of her kids in a divorce 30 years ago. I recently made contact with them to re-establish lost ties. The contact I made with the daughter has been a wonderful success. The other resulted in complete -- and understandable -- rejection.

Now my sister, who didn't want to open the door, blames me for her heartache because her son rejected her. Was I wrong for bringing at least one of them back into the family? -- SISTER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SISTER: Because you did it over your sister's objections, I think you were. While the daughter seems interested in establishing contact -- at least for now -- your sister has now "lost" her son twice. And if the daughter eventually backs off, your sister will be zero for two.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and have been with my boyfriend, "Griffin," for five years. He recently gave me a beautiful promise ring. I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but I think I have a problem.

I am going to become an adoption professional, and I plan on adopting one day. Griffin knows I'm pursuing this career and that I want to adopt, but I don't think he understands how serious I am about it. We don't plan on being married until after college, when we'll both be 25.

How do I let him know I'm serious about this? I don't want to wait five more years and find he's not on the same page and that I wasted my time. When I try to discuss it, Griffin says we're "too young to think about it." What do I say to that? -- MAPPING OUT MY FUTURE IN L.A.

DEAR MAPPING: It appears you are more mature than your boyfriend. Because you are determined to eventually adopt a child, I agree that it's important for you to know whether Griffin has any negative feelings about adoption because some people are unable to accept a child who is not their own. The next time he says you're too young to think about such things, explain that.

There is a vast difference between a "promise ring" and a little gold band. Because Griffin presented you with a promise ring is no guarantee that in five years the two of you will make it to the altar together. You may need to be with someone who, like you, is more geared to mapping out a future and wants to settle down.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Annie," is a single mother, holds a full-time job and trains for triathlons. Her son, "Cooper," is 3. Annie has him enrolled in day care from 7 a.m. until 4 p.m. every day while she's at work. Afterward, she picks up Cooper from day care and checks him into the gym's child care service while she works out.

I have offered to pick my grandson up from day care once a week and keep him until Annie finishes her workout. My other daughter has offered to pick him up twice a week so he can play with his cousin at her house.

Annie has become defensive. She says we're offering because we think she's neglecting him. Actually, I do think so. It breaks my heart that my grandson spends 12 hours a day in day care. Do you agree with me? What should I do? -- WORRIED GRANNY IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR WORRIED GRANNY: Annie may be defensive because she feels some guilt, or because you need to become a better actress and transmit less disapproval.

Apologize to her if that will smooth things over. Explain that you would like Cooper to spend time with you because you love him and want him to develop warm childhood memories of his grandmother. Tell Annie that her sister wants him to spend time with his cousin so they will have a closer bond when they're older. Then cross your fingers and hope she'll accept the offers.

DEAR ABBY: What is your definition of a committed relationship? -- TRYING FOR ONE IN TEXAS

DEAR TRYING: A committed relationship is one in which both parties agree that it will remain mutually exclusive.