DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Lance" for about two years now. We communicate well, have great chemistry and are very affectionate with each other. Lance is kind, creative (he's an artist) and considerate. However, he lacks ambition.

I'm a big thinker who wants big things in life. I have traveled extensively and am very involved in the world of academia. Lance works in a bar three nights a week and plays video games when I'm not around. I know from our conversations that he is intelligent and capable of doing so much more.

Is there any way to motivate him without nagging? I feel I may be selling myself short by being with someone who is content to sit on the couch. On the other hand, I have dated more ambitious men who turned out to be jerks. Must women have to choose between nice guys who finish last and dominating power mongers? -- ASKING TOO MUCH? IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ASKING TOO MUCH?: The male sex is not divided into two categories -- nice guys who finish last and power mongers. If you look around, you will see there are control freaks who finish last, and nice men who work hard at their jobs or professions and are successful.

If you feel you are selling yourself short by being with Lance, then you probably are. If you would like to motivate him, tell him you think you need to be with someone who has more direction in life. If that doesn't galvanize him to action, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: After being in a four-year relationship with an alcoholic who was emotionally, verbally and at times physically abusive, I got out. I have moved back with my parents to save money so I can get my own place. When I told my mother about some of the incidents that happened, she said, "I know how you can be." My father seemed more supportive -- until recently.

My ex has a son I grew close to, as did my parents. Last week, I found out my ex had contacted them and his son will be coming here for a visit. Abby, I don't want my ex to know anything about my current life! I'm afraid he's trying to manipulate and torment me while I try to move forward.

I feel hurt and angry at my parents for not respecting my feelings. I can't seem to get through to my mom, and Dad just looked at me and said, "Well, you're the one who stayed for so long!" I don't know if I can forgive them for this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- HURT DAUGHTER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HURT DAUGHTER: I'll try. When people are attracted to -- and stay with -- a partner who is emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, it's sometimes because there was dysfunction in their upbringing. You don't say how long you have been staying with your parents, but if there is no alternative, you need to stick to your plan and stay until you have enough money to rent a place of your own.

When the boy arrives, greet him warmly and spend as little time there as possible. Give him no information about your work or your social life other than to say you are doing fine and are very happy. And as soon as you have enough money to establish some independence, get out of there.

P.S. If you haven't already joined an Al-Anon group, I recommend it. Attend some meetings before the boy arrives, and don't keep that a secret while he's there.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was repeatedly date-raped at the age of 16. Her predator threatened to kill her if she ever told, so she kept it to herself until she could get away from him. It was a very scary time in her life, but with the help of counseling she is working through it and moving on with her life.

The problem is, while visiting with my in-laws it was pointed out to us that my mother-in-law had made a collage of pictures and included in it the person who raped my daughter. In all, there are five pictures of him in group settings. When my husband asked her calmly to remove them, she refused. She says it would punish the other grandchildren if she removed the pictures, and it would "ruin her collage."

We have asked her three times, but she refuses to budge. She says we all need counseling and that the request is completely out of line. Do you think our request was out of line? -- APPALLED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR APPALLED: Of course not! Was your mother-in-law aware of what this person had done to her granddaughter when the collage was created? If so, her reaction is bizarre and unbelievably insensitive.

Approach her once more and ask if she would agree to take the collage to a photographer so your daughter's attacker can be digitally edited out of it. If that's not possible, perhaps she would agree to take down the collage when your family visits. However, if the response to that request is also negative, I wouldn't blame you if you went there very rarely, if ever.

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to people when they tell you they will "pray for you" when you're dealing with an illness or other life tragedy if you are a nonbeliever? Statistics say that 34 percent of Americans are nonbelievers, so please address this to the 34 percent who share my feelings of appreciation for the sentiment, but feel like hypocrites for playing along to reciprocate their kindness. I wonder if any of your nonbeliever readers can share how they internally deal with this dilemma. -- NONBELIEVER, BUT GRATEFUL

DEAR NONBELIEVER: I'm sure they will, in droves. However, because nonbelievers physically resemble those who are believers, and nonbelievers don't usually wear symbols indicating their nonbelief, it's understandable that someone of faith would attempt to offer comfort that way. And most people battling a serious illness welcome a "blast of positivity," whether it is couched in religious terms or not.

When someone offers to pray for you, it's usually because the person cares about you, knows you are sick and feels helpless to offer anything more to help. Accept it for what it is, and say thank you rather than tell the person that what they offered is, in your eyes, worthless. That's called being gracious -- regardless of your religious or nonreligious convictions.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of eight years will not resolve his foot odor problem. We live in a small apartment, and it's humiliating when we have company and half the apartment smells like stinky feet.

He refuses to wear socks, and his solution in winter is to open all the windows and turn on the fan as soon as he returns from work. The "airing out" never completely gets rid of the smell -- and I freeze! How can I get him to change? -- FED UP IN MANHATTAN

DEAR FED UP: You obviously can't change your husband, but you don't have to risk getting pneumonia, either. Shoe repair shops sell deodorizing products in the form of sprays and powders. Or buy a large container of baking soda, and when your husband removes his shoes, dump a cupful into each one. They next day the smell should be gone.

DEAR ABBY: How can I set healthy boundaries with my best friend without feeling guilty? I have always been supportive and available because I sympathized with her difficult family dynamics during childhood and adulthood. She often talks to me about her problems with family and ever-changing relationships with men, but rarely allows me or others to share their points of view or personal concerns. Saying "no" to her is challenging under any circumstance, and she demands that all focus be on her in social situations.

I love and accept my friend as she is, and I try to give her all the grace I have. I now realize that setting healthy boundaries is the only way I can sustain our friendship. I know this dynamic may put a strain on our relationship, so why do I feel so guilty? -- TESTED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TESTED: That's a good question, and one that I can't definitively answer for you. It's possible that like many women, you were raised to believe that if you assert yourself you won't be considered "nice." That's a mistake because as long as you allow this friend to take advantage of you -- and that is what she's doing -- the more your resentment will build until the relationship becomes one of diminishing returns. So tell this self-centered person as nicely as possible that you are not a therapist, and because her problems persist, she should talk to one.

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked the other day when a friend of mine said that many women remain in terrible marriages because of finances. She said those types of marriages are accepted worldwide, so why not in America? She also said she thinks that shame is attached if a woman admits the only reason she is staying with her husband is a monetary one.

The women she was talking about are baby boomers and older. After thinking about it, I remember my mother and mother-in-law saying that money was why they remained in their marriages. Is this as prevalent as my friend stated? I find it sad that this could be true. It reminds me of the Tina Turner song -- what's love got to do with it? Could you comment, please? -- IN IT FOR LOVE

DEAR IN IT: If you're asking if I have statistics on the number of women who stay married only for economic reasons, the answer is no. Most of the people who write to me are unhappy, which would skew the numbers in a negative direction.

I hope you realize that the women you have described -- an older demographic -- were probably not economically independent when they married. It was common in their generation to go straight from their parents' houses to their husbands'. For many years I -- and my mother before me -- have urged women to make sure they are self-supporting before they marry, "just in case" they may have to be afterward.

Staying in a marriage without love is like serving a life sentence with an incompatible cellmate. Your mother and mother-in-law have my sympathy, and so do their husbands.

DEAR ABBY: Do you ever get tired of giving advice to people who ask commonsense questions, or those who probably know the answer to their problems if they just thought it out? -- JIM IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR JIM: The answer to your question is no. I love what I do and consider it an honor to be trusted. While the reply to a question may be obvious to you, it isn't to the person who asks me. Common sense tends to go out the window when there are strong emotions involved.