DEAR ABBY: My little girl was born with a heart defect. She made it through the first heart surgery, but passed away a week later right in front of me while the doctors and nurses tried to save her.

As the date of her death gets closer, I am becoming more and more depressed. How can I remember her and share my memories in a good way when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry? -- HEARTBROKEN MOMMY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MOMMY: I am so sorry for your loss. A way to remember your little girl and share those memories would be to contact a group called The Compassionate Friends. It's a national self-help support organization for families grieving the death of a child and was started to help families cope with the loss of children of any age and from any cause.

It sponsors a worldwide candle lighting on the second Sunday of December each year. The event is held at 7 p.m. local time and lasts for one hour. Services are also held throughout the day in hundreds of locations in all 50 states and Washington, D.C., as well as in other countries around the world. You can post a memorial message for your daughter in the online memorial book.

To locate a service near you and learn more about the work this organization does and what it offers, visit www.compassionatefriends.org, or call toll-free 877-969-0010. This is a valuable resource for anyone who has lost a child.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went on a business trip that required me to share meals with my co-workers. I became the target of criticism from them over my eating habits because I like to eat my dessert first. It doesn't keep me from eating the rest of the meal; I just do it in a different order than most people.

When the subject came up, I tried to explain that because I wasn't allowed to do it as a child, I swore that when I was an adult, I'd eat my food in any order I wanted. But lately, it has failed to diffuse the tension.

I don't think I'm being rude. I do this only at restaurants where it's possible to order dessert at the same time as the meal. I'd never do it when I'm a guest in someone's home.

Do you think I'm being rude? Should I eat in a more conventional way to avoid flak from people I'm dining with? -- SWEET TOOTH IN COLORADO

DEAR SWEET TOOTH: I'm not your mother, so I'll refrain from lecturing you about the empty calories you consume, which reduce your appetite for the healthy food you "should" be eating at mealtime. And yes, I do think what you're doing is rude because it is obviously making your eating companions uncomfortable, or you wouldn't be getting flak along with your dessert.

DEAR ABBY: After 31 years of marriage, my wife and I have split up. We love each other, but after the kids moved out we realized we have little in common.

What is an appropriate Christmas gift for an ex-wife? We are on friendly terms and will probably spend the holidays together with our children. I don't want to give a gift that will offend or encourage her. -- FREE MAN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FREE MAN: How about a gift card from her favorite store, or a lovely scarf or colorful shawl, or if she has a hobby, something to do with it? None of them would send the wrong message.

DEAR ABBY: I am ready to explode. My father-in-law dotes on my 16-year-old daughter, who is his only grandchild. The biggest issue, aside from his overspending, is that he takes her to and from school every day and then expects to stay and visit.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to sit and chitchat with him about the same old stuff over and over. My husband doesn't want to be involved. (He doesn't get home until after his father has left, anyway.) It would probably end up in a nasty fight.

I want to politely make "Dad" understand that he doesn't need to come in every single day. I know he will think we are being negative or against him personally, and from past events, I don't want to come across in this manner. Please help. -- TOO MUCH OF A "GOOD" THING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TOO MUCH: Obviously, your father-in-law doesn't have enough going on in his life to fill his time. Things won't change until you manage to set some boundaries.

It would not be "negative against him" if you had to go out and run errands or your daughter had to do homework after she gets home from school. It would also not be negative, since you don't have time to sit and chat, to ask him to pitch in and help with the chores.

You might also suggest that he do some volunteer work to fill his time. But you will have to schedule a time for him to feel welcome -- perhaps a Sunday dinner -- when your husband is home and can help to entertain his father.

DEAR ABBY: We are the parents of two adult children. We have always lived below our means so we could save for college expenses and retirement. Now that our two sons have finished college (with no debt), we splurged and purchased two luxury vehicles.

Our oldest son, "Sam," lives in another state but comes into town for business and pleasure, and when he does, he wants to borrow one of our cars. Although Sam has a good driving record, we are hesitant to loan him one of them. He is no longer on our car policy and can well afford to rent a car.

Sam is upset with us and says from now on he will stay with friends. I offered to share the rental expense, but my husband said Sam is an adult now and responsible for his own expenses. Are we being unreasonable by not letting him borrow one of our cars? -- CONFLICTED IN DALLAS

DEAR CONFLICTED: You have been generous with your children. Many students finish college with a mountain of debt. It appears that Sam is less interested in what you have done for him than what you will do. He's acting like a spoiled brat, and I hope you will stick to your guns because your husband is right.

DEAR ABBY: Over many years of travel in the U.S. and Europe, I have collected postcards picturing the main sights. Now it is time to toss the trip memorabilia, but the cards are in pristine condition. Any suggestion as to what could be done with them? -- GLOBETROTTER OUT WEST

DEAR GLOBETROTTER: If there are schools in your area that offer art classes to the students, you might be able to donate the postcards as material to be used in art projects. Or contact nearby senior centers and ask if they would like to have them to be used for discussion groups or art classes. (They would be wonderful for decoupage projects.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my boyfriend, "Casey," for a year. He has said throughout our courtship that we could get married in four to five years.

Over the past couple of months, he has become distant and less romantic. I drive four hours to see him almost every week, and he seems fine then, but when we're apart, he rarely texts me and seems disinterested.

On one of my recent visits, Casey said he never wants to get married! When I asked what had changed his mind, his response was that he has decided that marriage is a trap. When I asked if he still wanted to be with me, he said yes.

I know I don't want to be Casey's girlfriend forever. I don't want to waste my time if he's not going to marry me, but I really want to be with him. Do you think he'll change his mind again, or is it time for me to end things? -- WAITING AND HOPING IN MARYLAND

DEAR WAITING AND HOPING: If you're doing all of the four-hour commuting, you're not only waiting and hoping, you are also doing most of the work in your relationship with Casey. From your description of his attention span, when you're out of sight, you are not on his mind.

You didn't mention how old you both are, but it appears Casey has some growing up to do. Marriage isn't a trap; it's a partnership. And like any strong partnership there is commitment involved. If Casey isn't up to making a commitment and marriage is what you're after, you should save the wear and tear on your car and the expense of the gas and find a man who is less gun-shy.

DEAR ABBY: We live near my wife's sister "Bree" and her husband, "Joe." We socialize often at one of our homes or at a restaurant. They have recently become good friends with another couple, the "Russells," who are delightful.

Bree and Joe sometimes invite us over when the Russells are there. The problem is, when I try to carry on a conversation with Mr. Russell, Joe gets bent out of shape. He interrupts and changes the subject or says something to make me look bad. If that doesn't stop the discussion, Joe walks off in a huff. I think he's acting like an immature middle-schooler. (It also triggers memories I have of being bullied and excluded as a child.)

I'd like to avoid these three-couple get-togethers, but I don't know how many times I can do it without raising questions. An alternative would be to avoid the Russells and converse only with other guests who may be present. Either option, or mentioning it, risks making me look like the jealous 12-year-old instead of Joe. Any ideas? -- ODD MAN OUT IN KANSAS

DEAR ODD MAN OUT: It appears that your brother-in-law is insecure, or he wouldn't behave the way he is. How sad -- for him.

Start limiting the time you spend as a threesome. Ask your wife to find out in advance if the Russells will be visiting when you are. If Bree asks her why, your wife should tell her that Joe seems upset when you try to carry on a conversation with the husband and you don't want to make him uncomfortable. Perhaps if she tells her husband to knock it off and grow up, he will. However, if the problem continues, explain to the Russells that as much as you enjoy their company, you'll be seeing them less often, and why.

It isn't necessary to mention to any of them the grief you experienced in middle school because, frankly, it is none of their business. If it's any comfort to you, it appears Joe had insecurities back then, too, but he never outgrew them.