Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and in what I think is a serious relationship with "Josh." The problem is, his mom thinks I'm "mentally abusing" him.

I have never done anything to Josh to make her think that. She and I have had our disagreements and have not spoken for periods of time before, but nothing like this has ever happened.

I'm pretty sure I love Josh, and I don't want to lose him because of what his mom thinks of me. What should I do? -- PUZZLED IN INDIANA

DEAR PUZZLED: You didn't mention how old Josh is and how he feels about all the attention you're giving him, but I can offer a couple of suggestions. The first is to slow down. Take a step back so Josh can have some breathing room. The second is to try to make a friend rather than an enemy of Josh's mother, who may be worried about a 13-year-old girl who seems fixated on her son.

DEAR ABBY: I remarried when my son, "Kevin," was 5. He's now 20. My husband has always tried to be a good dad to him even though Kevin was challenging at times.

Kevin is now in the military. Before he left, he adopted a dog, "Leisel," that's a year old. Kevin will be deployed overseas for three years and wants us to take her. We have a dog and cat, a big yard and three teenage daughters who want Leisel, but my husband says no. He says it was a mistake to get the dog in the first place, and Kevin needs to learn a lesson and do the hard thing and give her up.

I agree it was a mistake, and I don't really want another dog, but I'm willing to do it for my son. Lots of parents get "stuck" with their kids' pets. They roll their eyes and just do it. Who is right? -- WILLING TO DO IT IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR WILLING: You are. This is no time to teach your son a lesson. With the international situation heating up as it seems to be, there's no telling where your son could wind up being stationed. Let him go with peace of mind knowing his pet will be well cared for until he returns.

DEAR ABBY: You probably wonder why I think this is a problem, but it is for me. I'm a single male, almost 77, who can easily pass for 50 or 55. The problem is friends, acquaintances and some strangers (in their 40s, 50s and 60s) think that because I look so much younger than my age, I should be able to perform the same physical tasks they do, which I can't. I have the same aches and pains as anyone else my age.

I'm flattered that I look younger, but how do I explain that because I look 50 to 55, doesn't mean I necessarily feel that way. I know, I know. Some people probably wish they had my problem. -- YOUNG/OLD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR YOUNG/OLD: I have news for you. There are plenty of people half your age who also have physical problems that prevent them from performing certain tasks -- including bad backs, bad knees, rotator cuff injuries and more. Because someone looks great doesn't necessarily mean that the person IS 100 percent. If you are asked to do something beyond your ability, be honest about it and say no.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. I'm a sound sleeper, and I suspect he has been having sex with me while I'm sleeping. I have woken up without clothes on, my undergarments askew or the waistband "rolled on." I called him on it and told him I knew and that I'm not OK with it.

Weeks later, I caught him red-handed. This time I was awake, but I was so frightened that I froze! I was sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult, and now I feel like my marriage has been turned upside down. My husband denies it. He claims it's all in my head.

My friends say that for the sake of my children I should ignore it or I'll turn their lives upside down. Abby, everyone thinks my husband is a catch! I'm sure if I walk away I'll lose friends -- maybe even some of my family. Please help me. I feel lost. -- TURNED UPSIDE DOWN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TURNED UPSIDE DOWN: Your friends are wrong, and you should NOT "ignore" this. Sex without a person's consent is rape! When a husband does what you have described, it is called spousal rape.

Because he claims this is "all in your head," for your own sanity, make an appointment to discuss this with a licensed psychotherapist. With your unfortunate history, you should have spoken with someone already. Your husband is either grossly insensitive or derives pleasure from being a predator. His behavior is appalling, and you do not have to stand for it.

Counseling can help you decide whether to remain in this marriage. Regardless of what your ultimate decision may be, it will help you be emotionally resilient enough to live with your choice regardless of what your "friends" and family members may think.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Rob," and I are pregnant. This should be an exciting time for me, but he keeps bringing up a previous relationship during which he had an unplanned child. That was 10 years ago, and the mother denied him access.

I have told Rob how much his mentioning it upsets me and I have asked him not to do it, especially during my pregnancy. I want to feel happy and special as the woman who will be providing Rob with an actual family unit. But instead I feel like second-best and resentful.

This should be a time to focus on us and our new baby, not the child that isn't in his life or that woman and her stupid actions. Please advise me. -- SOON-TO-BE MOM IN DENVER

DEAR MOM: You ARE special and you ARE the person who is creating a new family with Rob, but your pregnancy may be a painful reminder of the child he "lost." He may be afraid the same thing could happen again and need all the reassurance you can give him that it won't.

Because his bringing up the past relationship is hurtful, suggest he talk with a licensed mental health professional about it. Sometimes the best way to stop grieving is to talk about it.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine recently found out his daughter, "Rhonda" (who is over 18), feels she should have been born a boy. "Ronnie" is now living life as a man and plans to change genders completely.

To say the least, my friend and his wife are finding it difficult to deal with. He doesn't understand why she can't just be gay, which he would be fine with. I want to give them emotional support while at the same time supporting Ronnie, but I'm having a hard time relating to their feelings.

Could you provide some resources for them, such as organizations that help families deal with gender changing and all that it entails? -- WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE

DEAR WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE: I know an excellent LGBT organization that has been mentioned before in my column. It's called Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). The largest increase in new individuals reaching out to PFLAG is now among trans people and their family members.

Ronnie can't "just be gay" because the issue isn't sexual orientation; it is Ronnie's gender identity. PFLAG can help to explain this to Ronnie's father, and he should visit pflag.org for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "John" for 18 years. We married while he was in prison. I know I have outgrown him, but I'm scared to say it's over in case I realize later that we should be together. Over the years, we have both cheated and hurt each other.

I don't know exactly what I am holding onto with him. There doesn't seem to be anyone else out there to choose from, so maybe I should stay. I'm not afraid to be alone, but I am confused. I am suffering from depression over this. Please help. -- STUCK IN DES MOINES

DEAR STUCK: If the only reason you haven't left John is that there's no one else around to choose from, it's understandable that you would be depressed. The status quo isn't fair for you or your husband.

As I see it, you have two choices: Fix your marriage or leave. Of course, the better option would be for you and John to have counseling to see if your love can be revived. However, if it doesn't work, then it might be better for you both to separate. The reason there is no one else out there right now may be that you are unavailable.

DEAR ABBY: Call me ungrateful, but I am very uncomfortable receiving gifts. How can I get longtime friends to stop bringing hostess gifts when I invite them over? I don't need anything, and I resent feeling I am obligated to take something to them, too.

Why do women do this and men not feel so compelled? I have tried remarking, "The present of your 'presence' is present enough," but it continues. I need your help. -- UNGRACIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNGRACIOUS: Women usually bring hostess gifts because they were raised to believe it is the gracious thing to do. ("Don't come empty-handed.") Since "remarking" hasn't gotten your message across, you will have to be more direct with your friends. TELL them that when they visit, you would prefer they bring only themselves and nothing more. Then explain that you are at a point where you have enough "things" and do not need or want any more.