Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: A friend I really like has been extremely helpful baby-sitting my 4-month-old son every once in a while. The problem is, she informed me that she rubs his gums and lets him chew on her fingers. I find this gross and strange. Clean fingers or not, I'd prefer she not do this. She only has him a couple of hours at a time, and he has teething toys.

Am I overreacting? If not, how do I politely inform my friend that I'd rather she not put her fingers in my baby's mouth? I can't think of a way to explain it that wouldn't offend her. -- OFF LIMITS IN IDAHO

DEAR OFF LIMITS: What your friend is doing is neither gross nor strange. She was probably trying to soothe your teething baby who was showing signs of discomfort. Her fingers may have been more comfortable to chew on than the hard toy. However, you are the parent and if you prefer no more fingers in your baby's mouth, you should tell that to your friend and she shouldn't take offense.

DEAR ABBY: I often have thought about cooking food and taking it to neighbors when they experience a death in the family or a new baby, etc. I know when my parents passed away, kind relatives and neighbors brought us so much food we didn't know what to do with it all. But it was greatly appreciated and helped us more than they could ever know.

My problem is I tend to overthink this and then not follow through. (What if they don't eat meat? What if they're on special diets? What if they already have a lot of food or are allergic to something?) How can I offer something useful without knowing their eating habits? I have considered giving a restaurant gift card, but that doesn't seem as personal.

It seems years ago people never put so much thought into making a dish and taking it to the neighbors. Can you give me some insight? -- WANTS TO HELP IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: I don't think you are overthinking at all. The questions in your mind are intelligent ones. That's why you should pick up the phone and tell the families that you intend to bring them a gift of food, but before you do, you would like to know if they have any dietary restrictions. (Perhaps they already have a freezer full of cakes, pies and cookies and would enjoy something more solid -- like a casserole?) I am sure your thoughtfulness would be appreciated if you called to offer your condolences and asked what they could use.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: A word to the wise: If you plan to toast the New Year tonight, please appoint a designated driver. And on this night especially, designated drivers should remember to drive defensively. To one and all, a happy, healthy New Year! -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman (Nov. 25) whose husband told her while she was pregnant that, if it came to a choice, he would choose the life of the baby over hers. Your response contained a piece of misinformation I would appreciate you correcting for your readers.

You asserted that it is Catholic policy to save the life of the baby over the mother in obstetrical emergencies. Abby, that is one of the oldest but most persistent pieces of misinformation out there! This inaccurate statement has been replayed even in movies in spite of repeated denials by Catholic hospitals and the professionals who render care in them.

The fact is: Catholic policy is abundantly clear on the dignity of both mother and baby, and makes no priority of one over the other. Catholic hospitals operate with the same standards of safety in maternity care and are inspected by the same organizations that inspect non-Catholic maternity programs such as the Joint Commission and the licensing agency of each state. Catholic hospitals must adhere to the same robust standards as every other maternity service in the country.

I would appreciate it if you could assure your readers that, while this makes for good movies and novels, it is not the Catholic position. The dignity of the life of both mother and baby are critically important to all those serving in Catholic health care. Thank you for your help with this. -- SR. CAROL KEEHAN, PRESIDENT AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, CATHOLIC HEALTH ASSOCIATION

DEAR SISTER CAROL: Since printing that letter, I have received a crash course in ethics at Catholic hospitals. I apologize to you and to my Catholic readers for saying what I did. In the interest of educating my readers, I am sharing some of the enlightening letters I received. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In the days before blood banks and antibiotics, very few women survived C-sections. Obstetrical complications (now solved by surgical delivery) created a dilemma: Either allow a dysfunctional labor to continue until the child died and could be forcibly dragged or dissected through the birth canal, or perform the surgery that would cause the mother's death.

About the only time such an issue could arise in contemporary America would be in the rare case of a pregnant woman who is discovered to have an aggressive cancer, and has to decide whether to start chemo or radiation therapy that could abort or harm the fetus, or delay until after delivery, which could allow the tumor to grow or metastasize. -- ROBIN T., RICHMOND, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Devout Catholics are pro-life in every instance, and, of course, efforts to save both mother and infant are always the rule. But the value of the life of a newborn never surpasses the value of the life of the mother. Never! -- CATHOLIC DOCTOR IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: All children are beautiful to their parents. My three children are of mixed race and get a lot of attention because of it. The boys are aloof about random compliments they receive from strangers. However, I'm worried about the pressure it may put on my daughter to be "pretty."

I care more about my daughter's character than her looks, but I'm concerned that if I say that to these people, it will come off as rude. Also, I don't want her to think I don't think she's pretty. How can I respond in a way that isn't rude to well-intentioned strangers, but at the same time allows me to make a statement about the importance of character over beauty? -- MOM OF BEAUTIES

DEAR MOM: When someone exclaims that your child is beautiful, accept the compliment and say something like this: "Yes, my child IS beautiful, but more important, she is beautiful on the inside." It will reinforce the message to your daughter that character is equally, if not more important, than physical beauty.

DEAR ABBY: Isn't the rule of etiquette that when a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient? My mother sends gifts to our infant daughter. She is the first grandbaby, and my mother is a doting grandparent. My question is what should happen when my child outgrows the items -- clothing, shoes, toys, etc. My mother expects me to put them all in a storage bin and return them to her.

There have been times when I have packed up things to give to friends who have younger daughters than ours, or taken them to a resale shop. My mother then becomes upset that I'm not returning the items to her. She is saving them for my sister, who isn't even pregnant yet.

While I have no issue with saving some things for a potential niece, my friends need these things NOW, and I feel strange essentially being obligated to return them. Is my mom out of line? It's off-putting to receive a gift that comes with a return clause. -- CONFUSED IN CENTRAL TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: It appears your mother is not only a doting grandma, but also someone who is determined to get a double bang for her buck. Once given, a gift DOES belong to the recipient. Otherwise, it's not a gift but a loan.

And yes, however well-intentioned your mother may be, she is out of line to demand that everything she has given be returned to her. (I mean, what will she do if your sister has only boys?)

DEAR ABBY: When I'm dining out, sometimes the flatware is wrapped and banded in a large paper napkin. Do I use this napkin for cleaning myself, or do I ask for more napkins? -- UNSURE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR UNSURE: Place the napkin in your lap, and if you would like to have more, do not hesitate to ask your server. It is not a breach of etiquette to do so.