DEAR ABBY: I'm 22. Ever since I was 8, I've had the best friend I could ever have asked for. "Kylie" stood up for me when I was bullied as a child and hung out with me when I had no other friends.

The problem is, Kylie is extremely pretty and has always been charismatic, too. It's not her fault, but people have always been attracted to her, both as a bright personality and as a romantic interest.

All through high school, I fell into the role of sidekick. When I became romantically interested in someone, nine times out of 10 he liked her. When we were together, people would pop in and speak only to her. It made me feel somewhere between shy and invisible.

We are adults now, and Kylie is married with four kids. We're still very close. The thing is, breaking out of her shadow has become impossible. I went to a different college, and my job has nothing to do with her, but old habits still hold me back from making friends, and romantic interests still magically disappear when I introduce them to my best friend. What do I do? -- SECOND BEST IN MONTANA

DEAR SECOND BEST: You're right. Old habits -- not to mention attitudes -- do die hard. Because this pattern has been going on for so long, it may take the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you gain the tools to change it. It's crucial that you realize what fine qualities you have to offer.

Looks are an asset, but they are only skin deep. If a man you are interested in is distracted to the point of disappearing by someone else's good looks, recognize that he's interested only in the veneer of a relationship, not the hardwood. Until you get this straight in your head, it might be wise to distance yourself from Kylie.

DEAR ABBY: I love my sister "Susan," but her 4-year-old son is completely out of control. "David" runs around restaurants, screaming and throwing food and doesn't listen at all. Susan keeps wanting to plan trips and outings with me, but when she brings David, it's embarrassing and unpleasant. I don't want to take off work and pay for a trip with my sister if I'm going to be miserable.

I do want to spend time with her, so how do I tell her this? I have kids of my own, and I work with kids. I am very tolerant of children, but even for me it's too much. -- LITTLE TERROR IN TEXAS

DEAR LITTLE TERROR: Assuming that David does not have an emotional or developmental disability, I don't recommend telling your sister any version of "Your kid is so obnoxious I no longer want to be exposed to his bad behavior."

I wish you had mentioned whether she brings along coloring books, toys or gadgets to keep her son entertained while he's in adult company. (Many parents do.) If the answer is no, suggest it. If the answer is yes, then it would not be out of line to say to your sister that you prefer your visits be adults-only because it will enable you both to concentrate on each other with no distractions.

DEAR ABBY: I'm almost an adult now, starting to think about having children and a good marriage of my own. But I have a disturbing childhood memory I have never been able to erase.

When I was 6 or 7 and staying at my grandparents' house, and my grandmother would go outside to check the mail or water the flowers, my grandfather would try to put his hands on my private parts. He wouldn't speak a word to me ever, even if she was around. In fact, I'm quite sure I never witnessed him say anything at all to anyone. But as soon as Grandma was out of sight, well, that was his chance to put his hands on me, then laugh when I tried to wiggle away.

Recently, after I remembered those episodes again, I tried to bring this up with my mom in order to get her support. Abby, she reacted as if there was something really wrong with me or that I was lying!

Not surprisingly, I don't want that man around my future children. I have no real relationship with him. I know this memory isn't something I just imagined or made up "to embarrass the family." What should I do in reference to Mom's response? -- MOVING ON FROM THE PAST

DEAR MOVING ON: In reference to your mother's response when you told her her father molested you when you were little, conclude that the same thing likely happened to her. You should also conclude that, if that's the case, she knew what he was capable of and did nothing to protect you. For that reason, your grandfather should not be allowed to be around your children -- or any children, for that matter.

Because of the seriousness of what happened to you, it would be a good idea for you to contact R.A.I.N.N., the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Its website is rainn.org and the toll-free phone number is 800-656-4673.

DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother lost her husband and will be moving in with me. The problem is, Mom is one of those people for whom nothing is ever good enough. One of my siblings has already informed me that Mom told her my house, my neighborhood, my town, our hospitals, etc. are not good enough for her. I'm worried that after she moves in and I hear her complain every day, I'll lose my temper. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? -- DREADING IT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR DREADING: I sure do. Ask your mother now, before she relocates, if what your sibling said is true. And if it is, do not let her move into your home.

DEAR ABBY: Is it rude for someone not to cash a check you have written to them within a certain time period? I think it is, but maybe I'm wrong. Because I keep track of my banking online and not in a traditional checkbook, I end up having to try to remember to adjust my available balance to include the check's amount. What do you think? -- CHECK'S IN THE MAIL

DEAR C.I.T.M.: I agree that it's rude. When a canceled check does not show up -- sometimes for months -- it makes reconciling the giver's checkbook a pain in the neck and sometimes lower.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman who can't seem to find a man to call her own. Every time I search on websites or at gyms, I can't find anyone decent who lives nearby.

I met someone who took me to his house in Wisconsin for the holidays, but I live in Illinois. Ever since I slept with him (on the fifth date), he has come here less often -- and when he does, it's never just to see me. He also texts less often than he did and has hinted that I should see other people here in town and keep him as a backup.

I'm desperate to find someone who will be there for me. I want to be married before my 30th birthday. I have tried everything, but all the decent men nowadays are already taken or not serious about forming a relationship. Hope you can help. -- CAN'T FIND A MAN

DEAR CAN'T: Your problem may be your desperation. When people are desperate, their anxiety can drive people away. The idea that you must be married by the time you are 30 is setting an artificial -- and possibly unrealistic -- goal for yourself.

It may be time to stop looking and begin concentrating on building a satisfying life for yourself without help from a partner. Once you accomplish that, you may find that both men and women find you more attractive to be around. I can't guarantee that it will help you to find a husband, but even if you don't, you will have a happier life. Not everyone needs to be married.

DEAR ABBY: I have twin grandsons. One is kind, mannerly and thoughtful. The other is rude, ungrateful and has a chip on his shoulder.

Every Christmas and birthday, my husband and I are generous with our gifts to them. One grandson thanks us, while the other does not even acknowledge the gift. I no longer want to continue giving the rude twin gifts, but I don't know if this is the way to deal with the problem. They will be 18 on their next birthday.

My daughter has never corrected the problem, and I know she will accuse me of favoring the kind twin. What to do? -- GRAN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR GRAN: If it were me, I'd give the grateful twin gifts worth the usual amount of money and the ungrateful one a token present. And when your daughter accuses you of favoritism, tell her she's absolutely right and also why you no longer felt inclined to shell out to someone who didn't think your generosity was worth acknowledging. It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am 53 and constantly worry about the future. Because my husband has had to change jobs for various reasons, we have no money fund for retirement, and it isn't offered at his current job. I worry so much about the future that it's keeping me from enjoying the present. How can I stop worrying like this so I can enjoy the present? Talking to a doctor is not an option as money is very tight. -- WORRYING TOO MUCH

DEAR WORRYING: You didn't mention whether you are currently employed. If you aren't, a way to fix your problem might be to start thinking about your own earning capacity and find a job so you can build a retirement fund. It's never too late to start.