Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I spent an evening with a guy I've been wanting to date for some time. After a few drinks he confided to me that he has a serious heart condition. He said he doesn't expect to live past age 23 and he could die any day.

I don't know the details of his condition, but I'm sure he believes what he told me. Because of this his life has taken a downward spiral. He has been drinking a lot, failed multiple classes last semester and feels like studying is futile if he may only live a year after graduating.

For lack of evidence to the contrary, I accepted his statement as accurate. I don't think he'd make up something like that. What can I say or do to show my support? How can I encourage him not to give up on his dreams and his goals? He's only 19. How can I be strong for him?

Since he told me about his heart I haven't been able to think about anything else. I don't know how to process this information. How do you comfort someone you care about who's facing mortality at such a young age? -- BROKENHEARTED GUY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BROKENHEARTED GUY: If you want to be a friend to this young man, ask how many doctors have told him about his poor prognosis. If the answer is only one, urge him to get a second opinion because there are medical advances in cardiology happening every day, and he may not be nearly as close to the end as he fears.

You say he's still in school. Suggest he talk to someone at the student health center about his depression because it is interfering with his grades. And while you're at it, suggest he stop drinking and neglecting his studies because, in the end, he might live.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of more than 20 years is a busy person. She has a demanding job, a husband, two children and extended family she cooks for on most holidays. She also cares for an elderly distant relative. She has a heart of gold and is wonderful to me and my family.

When I'm invited to her house for dinner, she refuses to let me help her clear the table. I'm not happy with that, but I accept it. The problem arises when I invite her over for dinner. Because we don't get to visit often, I'll pile the dishes in the kitchen so I can spend time with her and wash them later. But she cannot sit still and just have a conversation with me or anybody. You will find her in the kitchen scraping plates, soaking pans and hand-washing the wine glasses.

This has become a point of contention because I like to unwind and clean my kitchen after my guests have left. I have tried working with her, but she prefers to power through the mess by herself, which gives us less time to sit and talk. How can I get through to her? -- ANXIOUS IN NEW YORK

DEAR ANXIOUS: Assuming that you have spoken to your friend more than once about this, I think it's time to accept her the way she is, rather than the way you would like her to be. Some people are unable (notice I didn't say unwilling) to just sit still and have a conversation, and she appears to be one of them. If this is her only flaw, consider yourself blessed to have a sparkling kitchen when she leaves.

DEAR ABBY: I am not a hugger. In fact, I pretty much always hate it. But people think I'm rude when I don't open my arms to hug after they've opened theirs. And they also think I'm rude when I tell them I'm not really a hugger. It happens with friends, fellow church congregants and audience members (I'm an entertainer) all the time. Although I let the hugs happen, I'm usually holding my breath the whole time.

Once I've "Hey girl'd" someone and offered my warmest smile, what more can I do? I don't want people I like to think I don't like them, or I'm not happy to see them. But I'm fed up with faking it and participating in this ritual that makes me so uncomfortable. If there's a polite, clear way to convey this to people without seeming cold or unappreciative, please let me know what it is. -- BRACING FOR THE EMBRACE

DEAR BRACING: You are not alone in feeling the way you do. Not everyone is comfortable with being hugged. I think you should simply be honest about your feelings and tell the huggers that you become claustrophobic when people hug you, and to please understand that your reluctance isn't personal. If you make it about you rather than them, it shouldn't come across as rejection.

DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law are splitting up. I'm devastated for them and my two young grandchildren, with whom I'm very close.

They live in another state, so I stay with them when I go visit. Although we've always had a great relationship, I'm terrified that my daughter-in-law will not want me to visit her after the divorce. I'm heartsick and don't know how to proceed.

What can I do to maintain a good relationship with her, while staying on good terms with my son? My grandchildren mean the world to me. -- HEARTSICK IN THE WEST

DEAR HEARTSICK: The last thing you want or need is to get caught in the middle of the divorce. Try your level best not to take sides and be sure to give your almost-ex-daughter-in-law her space.

Assure her that you care about her and that you deeply regret that the marriage with your son didn't work out. (It's true.) Tell her you have grown to love her as a daughter and hope that, in spite of the divorce, you will always be close. Do not discuss any intimate details or assign blame, if you can possibly avoid it, and try to keep your visits upbeat while concentrating on your grandchildren.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I will soon attend a weekend wedding. We will be meeting a large number of people for the first time.

My problem is I have a hard time remembering people's names. I suggested to my wife that I carry a pocket-size notebook and write down names followed by a brief description. She thinks it's a great idea as long as no one catches me doing it. I think, in addition to being practical, it will provide a bit of humor to the occasion. What say you? -- SENSIBLE IN SEATTLE

DEAR SENSIBLE: I agree with your wife. Be discreet, if you can. Rather than carry a notebook, it might be less obvious if you enter or dictate the information in the notes section of your phone.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenage girl who has always heard and seen on TV and in movies that there's pressure from guys to have sex. That may be true, but I feel there is also pressure from society. I never thought I would feel like that when I got to high school, but now I do. It hurts, and I am writing this for all the girls who feel the same way I do about it. I have been struggling with it for a few days, and it is messing with me a lot.

I know I don't want to have sex yet, but I still feel like I have to. "Tom" really wants to, but he isn't a virgin. It scares me, and while he isn't pressuring me, I feel like there is a boulder on my shoulders. If you know how I can stop feeling like this, please let me know. -- PRESSURE FROM SOCIETY

DEAR PRESSURE: A surefire way to feel less pressured into doing something you're not ready for would be to stop assuming Tom's sex drive is your responsibility.

Remember that although many teenage girls have been pressured into having sex, a sizable number have not. If you choose to wait until you are older, that's your privilege, because regardless of what you're seeing on TV and in the movies, "everyone else" isn't doing it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have two amazing children, and while they do require a lot of attention, I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. My wife works third shift, while I work 8 to 5. She's off two days out of two weeks, but even then, she's on call it seems like all the time. When I try to make time for us, things come up more often than not and it gets pushed aside.

We used to have time for each other, and we are talking about having another child. How do I find the time for one more child when we don't have enough time for each other? I'm beginning to think she doesn't want to be around me anymore, or she's no longer in love with me or that she's cheating on me. I don't want to believe it, but I don't know what else to think. What should I do? -- NEEDS TIME TOGETHER

DEAR NEEDS TIME: Have you told your wife all the things you are telling me? If you haven't, place it at the top of your agenda. Feeling the way you do, you should be talking about improving your marriage before enlarging your family and the responsibilities that go along with it. Not only should you and your wife be scheduling alone time together, you should also consult a licensed family therapist to reopen the lines of communication between the two of you.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please tell me what's proper in a situation like this? My husband and I are always invited to his family's holiday celebrations. When we accept, the invitation is also extended to my mother and sister. If my husband and I are unable to attend, should my mother and sister still go or consider their invitation canceled? -- JAN IN SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.

DEAR JAN: If the invitations that were extended were accepted by your mother and sister, and they are expected, they should attend.