DEAR ABBY: I'm at a loss as to how to stay in my 21-year marriage. In August, when our twin daughters leave for college, my wife and I will become empty nesters. We haven't had sex in more than 2 1/2 years, and before that it didn't happen more than a couple of times a year.

My wife says she "doesn't feel a connection with me anymore" (or perhaps never really did). We have seen a counselor a couple of times over the last 12 years, but the most he has to offer now is that I will have to decide whether or not to accept this as my new normal. We don't fight, but we live like roommates, although we continue to share a bed.

We are on opposite sides of the political spectrum, and I suspect that may have something to do with her sense of disconnect. The little affection progress we were making died the night of the presidential election. She seems content to continue like this. I hate the notion of divorce, both for what it would mean spiritually and for what it would do to our families and friends. Can you help? -- IS THIS MY NEW NORMAL?

DEAR "IS": Couples on opposite sides of the political spectrum can still have successful marriages if they respect their mates and can discuss their differences intelligently and calmly. However, you state that your sex life has been the way it is for 21 years -- which makes me wonder whether the chemistry was strong to begin with.

I do think you and your wife are overdue for a series of honest conversations, and the first should start with whether the difference in your political beliefs has affected the way she feels about you.

The next should start with asking her whether she was ever satisfied in the bedroom with you. If you can get her to talk about it, you may be able to find out where the two of you went off track and fix it. However, if you can't, then your counselor was correct.

DEAR ABBY: I've been single for more than a year and playing the field, having casual relationships, but never anything I was too invested in. That changed recently when I met someone I'll call "Eve." We have hit it off spectacularly and are very much into each other.

The only issue is she has a kid. I'm only 23, and I'm not in a position to be any kind of father figure. That being said, I would still love to be with Eve and occasionally help out with her little one, but I don't know how to open up and tell her directly that I'm not prepared for the pressures of being a "dad" to a newborn. How do I express this to her? -- NO WHITE KNIGHT IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR NO WHITE KNIGHT: "Daddyhood" isn't a skill that every man is born with. Some men are naturals at it; others learn gradually through experience. Tell Eve that you care about her, but that at 23 you are not in a position to be a dad to her baby. In time, things may change -- gradually -- but not right now. It may or may not cause the end of the relationship. Her first responsibility must be to her child, and a romance right out of the delivery room is too soon, "white knight" or no white knight.

DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years ago, I had a (minor) tryst with my wife's sister. Months later, it came to light during an unfortunate phone conversation. Since then, my wife and I have gone through years of counseling.

Our family has recovered and all is well -- except with my wife's brother-in-law (the husband). He considers me "persona non grata," and I have been excluded from all family functions, at least those he is involved in.

I took my counselor's advice and sent him a written apology, delivered by my wife. My parents-in-law have forgiven me (as well as their daughter) for the errant behavior, but still a massive wedge remains in our family. My father-in-law is ailing now and is desperate for reconciliation. I've done what I can (I think). What now? What more? -- PERSONA NON GRATA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR P.N.G.: You have already apologized. You can't force your brother-in-law to accept it. Because your father-in-law is desperate for reconciliation, he is the one who should appeal to your brother-in-law to heal the breach.

DEAR ABBY: In a world so vast and beautiful, do you think one person could somehow see it all? I've often dreamed of doing so, but most of the time I sit in front of a computer doing schoolwork. So many days I have wanted to drop out and be a hippie or something, but in these times, there are so many requirements to get to where we want to be and have what we've always wanted or needed.

You know what, Abby? I've got a better question for you. Can you invent a time machine so I can go back to the '50s? Forever wondering ... -- GABRIELLA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR GABRIELLA: I wish I could provide one, but if I did, I have a hunch it would become very crowded. Your yearning for the '50s may be happening because life in the 21st century has become stressful. It isn't just you -- for many people, the cycle of life seems to spin increasingly faster.

There's nothing wrong with dreaming about visiting faraway places. Once your studies are completed, you may be in a position to do that. In the meantime, make an effort to block out time to go to a gym, do yoga, meditate. If that's not possible, break up your routine with some other form of exercise. I can tell you from experience, it works.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a 15-year-old daughter who has a boyfriend her age. Her boyfriend visits our daughter in her bedroom, where they lock themselves in for hours. I object to them being alone in a bedroom, but my wife says she "knows" her daughter and that there's nothing to worry about. Who is right? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: YOU are! Your wife is dreaming! Tell your daughter that from now on, her door will remain open when anyone of the opposite sex is in there with her, or the lock will be removed. (Even better -- restrict their visits to the living room.) Do it now. Time may be of the essence.

TO MY READERS: A very merry Christmas to you all!

DEAR ABBY: I am a 56-year-old woman who has been with my boyfriend for seven years. He never lets me come to his place, but he comes to mine and stays every weekend.

He always has his married children staying with him, even though they are financially well off and don't need to. Every time I suggest we should be together by now, another child's family needs to move in, even stepchildren of his.

I left him for six months because I was tired of the rejection. We are back together again, and this last son and daughter-in-law (with their child and another one on the way) are there. Now he's saying he wants to move in with me because they need the room for the new baby. He says that's not the entire reason -- it's because he loves me -- but I suspect he doesn't want to be there with an infant on the way. I feel I'm being used, and I am not sure what to do. Advice, Abby? -- CROWDED HOUSE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CROWDED HOUSE: Your boyfriend of seven years has made plain where his priorities lie. You have never been high on the list. In fact, you appear to have been more a convenience than a love interest.

The surest way to avoid being used is not to allow it. Do not permit him to move in unless you are clear on what your objectives are, and have a firm commitment or he will break your heart (again).

DEAR ABBY: I thought you might like a variation on one of your "Pennies From Heaven" stories. When I was in my early teens, I had a close friend whose grandparents picked us up every day from school. We would stay at their house for a few hours until our parents could pick us up.

One day as we were leaving school, her parents' car was there instead of her grandparents' and her mom broke the news that her grandfather had died that morning. Needless to say, we were both very sad.

The following day was partly cloudy and rainy. After school, we walked toward where we usually met her grandparents and we saw a rainbow. When my friend saw it, she looked at me and said, "He's OK!" She meant her grandfather. Ever since, when I see rainbows I think of him, even though that was almost 20 years ago.

Last month I was driving home on the same kind of rainy day, and when the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, I saw another rainbow. Of course, I thought of my friend's grandfather. Later that night I learned her grandmother had passed away that morning. When I told my friend about it, it made her cry. We both believe it was a sign from them that they are fine and together in heaven. -- RAINBOWS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RAINBOWS: Many readers have written to tell me they have found similar comfort after discovering coins that had emotional significance. If rainbows have special meaning for you, then I hope you will continue to enjoy them. Your letter made me smile. Thanks for sharing.