DEAR ABBY: My adult son passed away two years ago at a young age. We were very close while he was growing up. He married young, and I maintained a great relationship with both him and his wife. They gave me the most precious grandchildren any woman could ask for, and I am extremely active in their little lives.

My daughter-in-law has moved on. She met a nice young man, and they are planning to be married in the near future. Do you think I would be out of line to request to have my son's ashes back home with me? We live near each other, I love her very much, and we still have a great relationship. I don't want to damage it by asking this if it's not appropriate.

I would pass his ashes on to his children when they grow up, of course, but for now, I'd love to have my son back home with me and his dad because she has started her new life. My husband is noncommittal about the subject. When I broach it, he says he "doesn't want to talk about it." I really have no one to ask or confide in about this. Your thoughts would be most appreciated. -- STILL BROKENHEARTED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR STILL BROKENHEARTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your clearly dearly beloved son. If you would like to have his ashes after his widow remarries, I doubt she would be offended if you asked what her plans are for them and if you could have them or split them with her.

I can understand why you would want them, but I'm not at all certain your grandchildren would welcome that responsibility when they become adults. Your husband may be reluctant to discuss this because he is still grieving and hurting, too. However, because you are, as you say, still brokenhearted, please consider grief counseling and joining a grief support group.

DEAR ABBY: I have an elderly friend who complains nonstop when I phone her. She lives a three-hour drive from me and expects me to be the one to call. She doesn't carry long-distance on her home phone, and her sight is too poor to dial numbers, although she's able to see the TV.

I feel sad for her, but I dread calling her because of her negative attitude about life in general. It's a shame to end a 40-year friendship, but I don't believe I'm helping her or myself by listening to all her complaints. Should I write her and say I wish she'd try to be more positive? She has health issues, but I know many people who try to be pleasant in spite of poor health. -- FEELING BAD FOR HER, BUT ...

DEAR FEELING BAD: If the alternative to telling your elderly friend how her constant negativity affects you would be to drop her entirely, convey to her what you have written to me. The woman appears to be very isolated and possibly depressed. If she has family, suggest they involve her in activities for seniors in the community. Contact with other seniors might give her spirits and her outlook a much-needed boost.

DEAR ABBY: My parents were separated for most of my life and divorced 10 years ago. Dad and I don't talk much, but we do get together for special occasions and visits during vacations. Mom and I speak frequently and see each other as often as possible.

My problem is, when I talk about doing things with Dad, she makes me feel guilty for not inviting her -- even when my family is going to stay the night at Dad's. And every year on the date of their anniversary, Mom never fails to remind me how long they would have been married that year. It's uncomfortable, and I have told her that, but every year I get the call wondering why I haven't acknowledged their anniversary.

Am I wrong in thinking it's strange to wish someone happy anniversary when the couple is no longer together and hasn't been for a decade? Am I wrong for not inviting her along for the few visits with my dad? I'm at the point where I avoid talking about him, but I can't lie when I'm asked directly what our plans are. How can I stop these uncomfortable conversations? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Please stop letting your mother make you feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. She is acting like she's still married to your father and their divorce is simply a "vacation" he has taken.

If she asks if she can come with you when you visit your dad, an appropriate response would be to suggest she ask him that question. And her expecting to be congratulated for the anniversary of a marriage that failed strikes me as bizarre. Because these conversations make you uncomfortable, change the subject or talk with her another time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband owns a restaurant. It's a demanding endeavor, and I help him out by running weekly errands, marketing, and occasionally fronting money for larger purchases or unplanned expenses. Generally, I don't mind. I have years of hospitality experience and some schooling in the field.

For the past few days, I have been fuming because my husband hired a man with whom we have a bad history. He dates my cousin and has been blatantly rude to my family. He has taken advantage of their kindness and turned my cousin into someone she was not before. (She's doing drugs.)

When I asked my husband if he really thought this was a smart choice, he said, "You don't own the restaurant. It's none of your business!" I disagree. Shouldn't I have a say when I help that place function week after week? Or is he right? -- MIFFED IN MISSOULA

DEAR MIFFED: When you asked your husband the question you did, it clearly hit a nerve or he wouldn't have become defensive. Because you have been putting money into the business to keep it going, you should be able to offer an opinion about how it is run and have it be respected.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 37 and still single. I have never been able to keep a guy around very long. They have all given me different reasons, but the main theme is that I'm "too independent and better as a friend." I've kept some of my exes as friends, so there haven't been hard feelings.

I have accepted that I'm going to always be alone. I have come to terms with it and made a fairly decent life for myself. My issue is, everyone keeps insisting there's someone out there for me. But when I've asked them to help set me up on dates or introduce me to a friend, they haven't been willing, even though they've done it for others many times.

I "get" that I'm fat and not attractive, so maybe they don't think I'm worthy of dating their guy friends. But how do I get them to stop pushing me to date, especially when they won't help?

I also hate it when they ask me why I'm not a mom yet when I would be such a good one. Uh, hello! It takes two to make a baby!

I have lost friends over this since it's tough to hang around with people who pity me for being solo and can't accept me for who I am. What do I do? -- LONELY, BUT OK

DEAR LONELY: Tell these friends you know they think they are trying to help when they say these things, but the truth is it makes you feel terrible and to please stop.

Next, recognize that the time has come to enlarge your circle of friends. While it's true there may be a special someone out there for you, the chances are slim to none that he'll find you hanging out with this group.

You are by far not the only overweight individual in this great nation of ours, and many of them are happily coupled up. Nobody has everything. People who focus on their positive qualities and make an effort to develop them are attractive. If you stop dwelling on your perceived flaws and work to develop the things you have to offer, the results may surprise you. (This goes for both sexes.)

DEAR ABBY: I am surprising my husband for his 40th birthday with a guys' trip. All of his best friends, except one, live out of state, and one lives out of the country. I am delighted that they are willing to fly in for his birthday. He's going to be so excited.

My dilemma lies in what to do about the hotel costs. I offered to pay for a room for them to share for the weekend. However, one member of the group insists on paying for his share of the room. The others haven't said anything yet.

If they offer to pay for the room, should I let them? Or should I insist on paying because the trip was my idea? I don't want anyone to feel obligated to spend so much money since they are all paying their own airfares, which they insisted on. -- SURPRISED IN THE WEST

DEAR SURPRISED: I'm sure your husband's friends are pleased that you planned the birthday reunion. If they offer to pay for the room they will be sharing, you should let them. However, if anyone does not make the offer, pay his portion.