Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who is a sexual abuse survivor. This has consumed every aspect of my life. It started when I was around 2, I believe, and was a daily occurrence until I was 14. My abuser was my paternal grandfather, now deceased.

I've sought counseling and therapy groups -- whatever I could -- over the years, to no avail. I just can't shake it. I have dealt with flashbacks, nightmares, failed marriages, etc. I just want to be and feel normal, and I don't know how.

Am I searching for something that does not exist? I don't know if you can help me, but please, if you have any advice at all, I would be beyond grateful. -- LOST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST: My heart goes out to you. You have experienced an atrocity. The groups you have been attending may not have been the right ones for you. One-on-one sessions with a licensed mental health professional, someone who specializes in working with victims of sexual abuse and/or PTSD, might be more appropriate.

A good place to start finding the help you're looking for would be the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). It's the nation's largest anti-sexual violence network. You can find it online at rainn.org or by calling 800-656-4673. I wish you healing and success. Please let me hear from you again and tell me how you are doing.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 29-year-old woman living on my own an hour away from my family. My parents were bitterly divorced 10 years ago, and a year ago I lost my father to cancer. At the time, my mother voiced her disapproval of my going to be with him on his deathbed. The day he passed, she told me not to be too sad because "he was thinking about suicide anyway." I have so much anger toward her for these and other things her emotional immaturity has led her to do or say.

On the one-year anniversary of Daddy's death, she tried to pick a fight with me for "obviously not wanting to talk" to her. It prompted me to do exactly that, and I calmly discontinued speaking with her.

The past two weeks without my mother's voice in my life have been the longest stretch of peace and confidence I have experienced in a long time, but her birthday is coming up, and I worry that I am being a bad daughter by continuing not to talk to her. What's more important -- healing the breach, or my own mental health? -- CONFLICTED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: For both your sakes, do both if you can manage it. Try this: Explain to your mother the reason for your sudden silence. Set some firm boundaries. If she cooperates, you will still be able to have a relationship with her. If she doesn't, at least you will know you tried.

DEAR ABBY: I have asked my husband to please not spit in the kitchen sink or to floss his teeth at the kitchen table. He responds by getting mad and huffing off like I am being a nag. Am I in the wrong? Does he have the right to gross me out this way? -- DISGUSTED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Considerate spouses refrain from doing things they know will annoy their partner. I'm sure if your gem of a husband told you not to do something that bothers him, you would respect his wishes. Well, it's supposed to work both ways.

DEAR ABBY: I thought I had a best friend. We got to know each other when we worked together for almost four years. He's straight, I'm gay and we're total opposites. However, he taught me how to fish and took me shooting at his family's ranch; we would go to dinners/lunches and go to the city. He's a few years older than I am (he's in his 30s).

When I went to rehab for six weeks, he came to visit me. But when I celebrated my first year of sobriety a few months back, he never congratulated me. I found a new job almost a year ago, so we stopped seeing or contacting each other.

Looking back, I was always the one asking to hang out and planning the days when we would do fun things together. I feel hurt that he hasn't checked in with me, but I feel like my friendship should be valued and that friendships should be a two-way street.

Am I being childish? Is it too late to reach out? It's been six months with no contact. I thought I showed him how much I cared about our friendship. It would have meant a lot to me if he had reached out to see how I was doing. -- FRIENDLESS GUY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIENDLESS GUY: The fact you no longer work together may have something to do with his silence -- out of sight, out of mind. Were you really the one who initiated the fishing trips and visits to his family's ranch? If not, it seems to me that he was doing his part in maintaining the friendship.

It's possible he may have met someone and be involved in a romance, or just busy. If you were the heavy lifter in your relationship, you should not expect him to change. I think it's time you reached out and checked in.

DEAR ABBY: Lately I have been feeling torn between staying in my relationship or leaving. I have always maintained I was doing the right thing for my kids by staying with their father. He's a good man, but he has always said he never wanted kids. At times he can be a really fun father, however, more often than not, he chooses not to do things with us.

I don't want my kids to miss out on a full and memorable childhood, but he is more focused on his own wants and needs. We have a family vacation trip planned with my family, and he has chosen not to go and instead take a week for himself to do what he wants to do.

I want my kids to have a father who wants to be in their lives and do things with them, but this doesn't seem to be what he wants. I don't know what to do. Help, please. -- WANTS WHAT'S BEST IN IDAHO

DEAR WANTS: If your partner made clear that he didn't want children, how is it that you had at least two with him? If you leave him so your children will have a father who wants to be in their lives, how do you plan to conjure one up?

What you need to do is evaluate your options and not overreact. Discuss this with someone who is rational and unbiased. You didn't list any of the positive traits this "good man" possesses. Be careful before making any rash decisions. No one's perfect, and he may become more hands-on as the kids get older.

DEAR ABBY: The holiday season is here, with the traditional family dinner get-togethers. Our problem is, our two children (ages 27 and 29) don't like each other and rarely have contact during the year. This creates such stressful holiday meals that my wife and I would prefer to simply not have them.

What words should we use to explain to both of them that we will no longer host holiday family dinners in the future? The conundrum arises if one of them says, "Well, I can come for Thanksgiving, so 'Jesse' can come for Christmas," which divides us in a way that is unacceptable. Although we have asked them to work out their issues, they have made no progress. Your advice? -- DAD STRESSED BY THE HOLIDAYS

DEAR DAD: Your "children" are adults and should be able to bury their differences two nights out of the year for your sake. If one makes that suggestion, your response should be: "No. It would only remind us that half our family is missing, which would sadden us on what's supposed to be a happy occasion. That's why your mother and I have decided to make other plans instead."

DEAR ABBY: I was visiting a neighbor whose son and daughter-in-law were also visiting. They have two daughters, ages 9 and 7. While I was there her son took the girls into the bathroom and gave them baths. I was shocked. The mom said, "That's his job!"

Abby, I could understand if they were toddlers, but by that age, they should be able to bathe themselves. When I asked her why, she said, "They play too much." Is this unusual? The grandmother -- my neighbor -- confided later that it made her uncomfortable, too, and said she has hinted to them both that the girls need privacy. What should we do or say, or is it none of our business? -- CONFUSED IN ALABAMA

DEAR CONFUSED: By the ages of 7 and 9, the girls should not only be capable of bathing themselves, but also be able to comprehend when either parent says, "You're splashing around too much. Cut out the funny business!" The parents should act only as monitors. While I don't think it's your place to say anything, I do think the grandmother should.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 64-year-old man who has decided to donate my body to science after I pass. Would it be helpful to write/have a bio that includes some of my medical history? I have broken my left arm twice and my little finger, which required surgery. Also, I broke my right wrist, which required surgery, including five temporary metal pins.

I am a Type 2 diabetic and have scars on my face from injuries from when I was a kid to adulthood. I'm not interested in writing a book but thought it might be helpful after I die for the medical institution. What do you think? -- CURIOUS IN FORT WORTH

DEAR CURIOUS: You are very thoughtful. However, it might be more fun for the medical students to discover these "surprises" for themselves.