DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you can help me with this situation. I have been married for 13 years but never told my family that I got married. I now want to divorce my husband, but I don't know how to approach it because he holds it over my head. Please help. I have fallen in love with someone else and I need to divorce my current husband and move on, but I don't know how to tell my family. -- STUCK IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STUCK: Obviously, you and your family aren't close. What is he holding over your head? The fact that you were married? Your family can't miss something they have never had -- in this instance, a relationship with the spouse you hid from them. So although they may be disappointed that you withheld the information, don't expect them to grieve his "loss."

You didn't mention how long you've been involved with this other man, but you should not rush into another marriage. Perhaps this mess will teach you how important it is to live openly and honestly and not sweep things -- like a husband -- under the rug.

DEAR ABBY: Crazy question, but a serious one. Christmas is coming, so please answer quickly. When carolers come to the door, what's the polite response to them? Where we live it's usually bitter cold and snowy. Do you stand out there on your porch, just keep the door ajar, invite them inside, serve them hot chocolate, coffee?

I've been ill at ease for years, and although it's a tradition that seems to be falling by the wayside, I'd like to know what you have to say about it. Thank you so much. I enjoy reading your column. -- MARCIA IN EASTERN WASHINGTON

DEAR MARCIA: All you need to do is give the carolers a heartfelt thank you for their efforts. While one might be tempted to offer them a hot beverage -- coffee or tea -- a milky drink is not good for a performer's throat, and it also might cause them to have to make frequent pit stops on their route, which would be counterproductive.

DEAR ABBY: Recently a family member, an ex-sister-in-law, sent out invitations on Facebook for her retirement party. A week after everyone had accepted, she posted that in order to attend, guests would have to buy a ticket for $50. I find this very tacky.

It's not so much the $50, but the way it was presented. This woman was a professional with a great job. She has a large home and drives a luxury car. When I asked other family members and friends how they felt, for the most part they agreed with me. Needless to say, I will not be going. What do you think? -- APPALLED OUT WEST

DEAR APPALLED: I think that, under the circumstances, you should inform your former sister-in-law that since you received the invitation your plans have changed, so you will be unable to attend after all. And when you do, don't forget to wish her well in her retirement.

DEAR ABBY: Many wives write you about problems with their husbands who drink too much. If they live in a community property state, there's something important they need to know. If the husband drives drunk and causes an injury, both the wife and husband may be named as co-defendants -- even if the wife wasn't involved. And if the injured party is successful in the lawsuit, the co-defendants together must pay.

Wives who tolerate their husband's refusal to stop drinking need to be aware of the economic hammer the law could have hanging over them. I just went through this experience. Had I known the law in our community property state would lump me in, I would have had a powerful reason to divorce my husband years ago after I realized he would never give up drinking. -- GETTING THE WORD OUT IN PHOENIX

DEAR GETTING: Thank you for teaching me and my readers something. If someone has a spouse of either sex with an alcohol problem who gets behind the wheel of a car, for their own protection, they should consult their lawyer and their insurance agent about what the ramifications could lead to.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a sophomore in high school, and I'm in love with a senior. I met him a year ago when we had some classes together. We liked each other, but because of our age difference, we never dated.

I thought I would get over him over the summer, but I didn't. We don't see each other at all this year, and I'm almost sure he's moved on. I feel like I need to move on, too, but deep down I really don't want to. I'm worried I'll never find someone I like as much as him. Help me get on with my life. -- TOTALLY STUCK IN MONTANA

DEAR STUCK: A way to move forward would be to give yourself less time to think about him. Stay busy and keep your mind occupied with your studies. If you can get into new activities, do it. Not only will they distract you, but they will also give you the opportunity to learn something new as well as make more friends and perhaps meet someone equally special.

That said, do not expect to banish him completely from your heart. If he was your first love, he may always occupy a tiny portion of the real estate there.

DEAR ABBY: This has been happening for years, and I would like your advice, please. I like my meat well done. But whenever I order a steak that way, someone at the table invariably has to comment that I am ruining the texture, killing the taste, etc. Red or rare meat disgusts me. If I see blood on my plate, I can eat only the well-done parts around the edges. Is there a nice way of telling other people to mind their own business and let me order my food the way I want it? -- STILL MOVING ON MY PLATE

DEAR STILL MOVING: Sure there is. All you have to do is smile and say, "That's my preference. This is the way I like it." Then chow down and change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: Our youngest son recently married a woman who has an 18-year-old disabled daughter, "Lauren." The girl's mental level is between that of a 2- and 4-year-old. There have been physical confrontations between my new daughter-in-law and her disabled daughter, which are becoming more frequent now that they all live together. Our daughter-in-law refuses to pursue facilities for Lauren, saying she is waiting for her to be transitioned into a group home and feels much guilt in doing so.

Lauren is currently in a day program, which doesn't seem to be helping her. She has definite behavioral issues and has been put on a higher level of meds that haven't helped. Psychologists, counselors and school staff are noncommittal about offering any help and haven't advised on how to address this.

My concern is, my son and his wife now have a 6-month-old son, and I worry about the baby in this home environment. Our son loves his wife and thought he could handle the challenges that come with living with Lauren. He now says he thinks it is best to end the marriage, but he's uncomfortable about giving an ultimatum to his wife. He has a high-pressure job, and his new home environment is taking a toll on him, physically and mentally. Any advice for him is appreciated. -- MOM ON THE SIDELINES

DEAR MOM: I appreciate your concern for the well-being of your son, but if you are smart, you will remain supportively on the sidelines and not insert yourself into this sensitive situation. If your son feels so pressured he's considering ending his marriage, he should be telling his wife about it and not his mother.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 31-year-old waitress and proud atheist. I'm one of the least judgmental people I know. Who other people love, or how they choose to worship isn't important to me.

I have a regular customer who comes in to the restaurant about twice a month. He's a pastor and one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met. He'll often bring along people from his congregation and buy them dinner. He counsels new families and tries to teach them the ways of the world. He counsels angry teenagers, and they listen to him. I have tremendous respect for him.

The problem is, every time he comes in, he tries to get me to come to his church. It's sometimes an hourlong conversation. At first I was polite about it and just said no thank you. Recently it reached the point where I said firmly, "I don't need your church." Abby, he still persists!

I don't know what to do anymore. I wouldn't feel right kicking him out of the restaurant. Is there a middle ground? -- NONBELIEVER IN GEORGIA

DEAR NONBELIEVER: The pastor may be an evangelical, who feels that it is his duty to "spread the word." The middle ground, since he seems unable to accept your polite refusals, is to have another waitress serve him instead of you, if that's possible. If not, ask your manager for guidance.