DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three wonderful grandchildren who live with our daughter and son-in-law in another state. Our daughter will not allow us to take the children out to lunch, shopping, for ice cream or anywhere without the parents coming with us.

The kids are 7 and 3-year-old twins. When we are in the house playing on the floor with them, our daughter is right there with us. When we go outside to play, she is also there watching.

When I have asked her why she won't let us take the children out, she makes up different excuses, including saying she's overprotective. This makes me and my husband very sad. We are not treated like normal grandparents. What do you suggest we do? -- DISGRUNTLED GRANDPARENT

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: Not knowing your daughter, I can't guess why she appears to be so possessive of the grandchildren. However, while I agree that what's going on isn't "normal," you might be less unhappy if you focus on being grateful that you are able to interact with your grandchildren. It is beneficial for them to spend time with you and know that you love them. Not all grandparents and grandchildren are as fortunate.

P.S. As the kids get older, Mom's need to supervise your visits may subside.

DEAR ABBY: My mother, who lives paycheck to paycheck, has recently become good friends with "Rhonda," who is wealthy due to inherited money. They frequently go out to eat or on other excursions together, and Mom expects her friend to foot the bill. Rhonda, however, usually pays only for herself and expects Mom to pay her own way. It has made Mom angry enough to complain to me.

I told my mom that it's presumptuous of her to expect Rhonda to always pay. While it would be generous of her to pay for Mom too, I think the woman is allowed to do what she wants with her money. Mom says no, I'm wrong, and "those who have more should always be willing to pay for those who have less." What do you think? -- COMPLAINING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR COMPLAINING: I think that your mother's friendship with Rhonda may be nearing its end. I also think that because there is such a discrepancy in the amount of discretionary income your mother and her friend have, your mother should inform Rhonda that as much as she might like to frequently accompany her, financial reality prevents it. Alternatively, they could do something together that doesn't cost as much or is free.

DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve -- when people live, say, in Washington state, and they say, "Are you going up to California?" or "I have a friend coming down from California." My brother-in-law does this all the time. Is it a condition or just laziness? If I correct him, he gets angry. I know I'm right, but what would you call his condition? -- PEEVED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PEEVED: I would call his condition "habit." And I would call your condition a need to nitpick. Although you may be right in this case, if you want a pleasant relationship with your brother-in-law, resist the temptation. Everyone has flaws. His is a minor one.

DEAR ABBY: I am an older IT professional (58) who had a very successful career until a year ago. I was part of a major layoff at the company I worked at for many years. I have not been able to find a job in the IT field since.

Besides my skills and knowledge in IT, I'm an accomplished handyman with skills in most of the trades. The issue is, my wife is insistent that I get another job in IT -- mostly for the benefits.

Older IT workers have a very hard time finding work in the field. I'd like to start a handyman company since I enjoy this kind of work. If I start a handyman business, my wife, for the first time, would have to go from being a part-time worker at her job to full time to provide us with benefits. This will cause a lot of strain on our marriage because she has made it clear she does not want to work full time.

I think she's being selfish. I have provided her with a very nice lifestyle for many years and feel it's time she step up and do her part. I'm not sure how to broach the subject without an argument ensuing. Help? -- SWITCHING GEARS IN NEW YORK

DEAR SWITCHING: Expect an argument and be prepared for it. You are not responsible for having been laid off. It seems there is plenty of ageism in your field, and it isn't surprising you can't find a comparable job in IT when the preference appears to be for hiring younger, cheaper workers.

Frankly, you are fortunate to have both an alternative and the initiative to start a handyman business. Good handymen are hard to find, and your wife should make the effort to support you in what could be a successful endeavor once it gets on its feet. That's what partners in life are supposed to do, isn't it?

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years. He has three siblings, all in their 20s, none married.

Today I received a group email from his mom addressed to him, his father, his grandmother, all three siblings and their boyfriends/girlfriends (including me) asking for Christmas wish lists. She wants to know what we would like for Christmas and would like all of us to "reply all" on the email so everyone else will have ideas for Christmas presents.

I don't know how to respond! I don't want to appear greedy, but I do like the idea that she wants to get us all presents that we will like. Can you give me any suggestions on the best way to respond? -- PERPLEXED IN ALABAMA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your boyfriend's mother is a generous -- and sensible -- woman. She is soliciting ideas because she doesn't want to waste her time or money buying something the recipient won't like. Answer her question. Tell her what you would like, as long as it isn't something that will break the bank. Your boyfriend can probably give you some hints about her budget. I suggest you talk to him about it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you can help me with this situation. I have been married for 13 years but never told my family that I got married. I now want to divorce my husband, but I don't know how to approach it because he holds it over my head. Please help. I have fallen in love with someone else and I need to divorce my current husband and move on, but I don't know how to tell my family. -- STUCK IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STUCK: Obviously, you and your family aren't close. What is he holding over your head? The fact that you were married? Your family can't miss something they have never had -- in this instance, a relationship with the spouse you hid from them. So although they may be disappointed that you withheld the information, don't expect them to grieve his "loss."

You didn't mention how long you've been involved with this other man, but you should not rush into another marriage. Perhaps this mess will teach you how important it is to live openly and honestly and not sweep things -- like a husband -- under the rug.

DEAR ABBY: Crazy question, but a serious one. Christmas is coming, so please answer quickly. When carolers come to the door, what's the polite response to them? Where we live it's usually bitter cold and snowy. Do you stand out there on your porch, just keep the door ajar, invite them inside, serve them hot chocolate, coffee?

I've been ill at ease for years, and although it's a tradition that seems to be falling by the wayside, I'd like to know what you have to say about it. Thank you so much. I enjoy reading your column. -- MARCIA IN EASTERN WASHINGTON

DEAR MARCIA: All you need to do is give the carolers a heartfelt thank you for their efforts. While one might be tempted to offer them a hot beverage -- coffee or tea -- a milky drink is not good for a performer's throat, and it also might cause them to have to make frequent pit stops on their route, which would be counterproductive.

DEAR ABBY: Recently a family member, an ex-sister-in-law, sent out invitations on Facebook for her retirement party. A week after everyone had accepted, she posted that in order to attend, guests would have to buy a ticket for $50. I find this very tacky.

It's not so much the $50, but the way it was presented. This woman was a professional with a great job. She has a large home and drives a luxury car. When I asked other family members and friends how they felt, for the most part they agreed with me. Needless to say, I will not be going. What do you think? -- APPALLED OUT WEST

DEAR APPALLED: I think that, under the circumstances, you should inform your former sister-in-law that since you received the invitation your plans have changed, so you will be unable to attend after all. And when you do, don't forget to wish her well in her retirement.