Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for five years, and we have two children together. It's my husband's second marriage and my first. He and his first wife, "Gretchen," had no kids, but they did have a long and messy divorce. She and her family live in the same small town as we do. Her favorite pastime is telling anyone who will listen that my husband physically abused and raped her.

I know my husband. In our five years together he has never so much as raised his voice to me or our children. I don't presume to know what happened between him and Gretchen during their marriage, but I know in my heart it never got physical. I have spent five years listening to this garbage and hearing her put him down and say nasty things about me. I have reached my limit. Should I confront her or just keep refusing to acknowledge her? -- DRAMA WITH HIS EX

DEAR DRAMA: You know that what your husband's ex is saying isn't true because you have been with your husband long enough to see the kind of person he is. Continue to ignore and avoid her. If someone repeats her stories, tell them that in your experience what she's saying couldn't be further from the truth. People who know you will understand what Gretchen's saying for what it is -- unhappiness and vindictiveness.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a loss and need some outside advice. I'm a man, married for two years. My husband and I have a great marriage, but last week my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and I'm having trouble processing it. My husband is super supportive and has had my back 100 percent. But yesterday I woke up and a friend of mine wanted to meet with me and we ended up having sex.

What's wrong with me? I have never cheated before. I have been cheated on in the past, and I know how much it hurt, so I vowed never to do it. But it just happened. I regret what I did, and I feel gross. Why would I do this? Is it my way of coping with Dad's illness? I need to understand what the hell happened. Please help. -- OFF THE RAILS

DEAR OFF: I, too, suspect that your infidelity may be related to trying to deal with your father's diagnosis. It is not as unusual as you may think for people to react to grief, trauma or death by doing something uncharacteristic. However, if this becomes your default coping mechanism, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist so it doesn't destroy your marriage.

P.S. Unplanned sexual encounters can have unplanned consequences. To make sure this one hasn't, contact your doctor about being checked for an STD. And consider coming clean to your husband, because it would be disastrous if your friend let the truth slip out accidentally. (And, of course, if you've developed an STD, tell your husband right away.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 10 years is in the process of retiring from the military and is now re-evaluating "procedures" and "policies" of everything -- including our marriage. I'm trying to respect his needs in an effort to help him make sense of things. However, there are times when I feel some of his new rules are hurtful or harmful and need to be negotiated or evaluated. (By the way, in general, I do not encourage or support the idea of "rules" in marriage aside from fidelity; communication should be the rule in my opinion, but I digress.)

His latest rule is that I need to be covered when getting ready in the morning ("It's not proper to be so comfortable naked, and if you respect me, you would do as I ask"). He said he thinks I look amazing now, but then he added: "Think about when you are your grandmother's age; you won't be pleasant to look at."

As his partner, I feel we should make each other feel comfortable in the buff, and it's harmful to ask our partner to cover up for any reason in the sanctity of our home. We have no children and live alone, and I have always gotten ready in the mornings this way, behind closed doors, where no one but my husband can see me. Abby, can you guide us to resolution on this matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOTHING: As a military man, your husband is used to rules and structure, which are necessary in that environment. This, however, is civilian life. Before allowing him to make any more rules or institute a change in dress code (undress code), allow me to "guide" you directly to the office of a licensed marriage counselor because, unless there is something you have omitted from your letter, your husband is a mile off base.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and her brother are buried in a family graveyard. He is on the upper side. It was understood by both families that I would be buried next to my mother when I died. My uncle's grandson recently passed away and, without saying a word about it to our family, my cousin had him buried next to my mother. She said the space beside my mother was more desirable than the one on my uncle's side.

I'm so upset I can't sleep, and I don't know if I should pay to have the deceased moved to my uncle's side of the graveyard or just let him lay there. I feel beyond betrayed, and I will never speak to this vile woman again. She said I am overreacting. Am I? -- CAN'T SLEEP IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CAN'T SLEEP: While your feelings are understandable, and I don't blame you for being upset, to let this take over your life would be a mistake. It couldn't hurt to inquire at the cemetery about having your cousin's corpse moved, although I'm not sure it can be done without the consent of his next of kin. If moving his body is not possible, please remember that when you are gone, your spirit will join with your mother's regardless of where your earthly remains reside.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three wonderful grandchildren who live with our daughter and son-in-law in another state. Our daughter will not allow us to take the children out to lunch, shopping, for ice cream or anywhere without the parents coming with us.

The kids are 7 and 3-year-old twins. When we are in the house playing on the floor with them, our daughter is right there with us. When we go outside to play, she is also there watching.

When I have asked her why she won't let us take the children out, she makes up different excuses, including saying she's overprotective. This makes me and my husband very sad. We are not treated like normal grandparents. What do you suggest we do? -- DISGRUNTLED GRANDPARENT

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: Not knowing your daughter, I can't guess why she appears to be so possessive of the grandchildren. However, while I agree that what's going on isn't "normal," you might be less unhappy if you focus on being grateful that you are able to interact with your grandchildren. It is beneficial for them to spend time with you and know that you love them. Not all grandparents and grandchildren are as fortunate.

P.S. As the kids get older, Mom's need to supervise your visits may subside.

DEAR ABBY: My mother, who lives paycheck to paycheck, has recently become good friends with "Rhonda," who is wealthy due to inherited money. They frequently go out to eat or on other excursions together, and Mom expects her friend to foot the bill. Rhonda, however, usually pays only for herself and expects Mom to pay her own way. It has made Mom angry enough to complain to me.

I told my mom that it's presumptuous of her to expect Rhonda to always pay. While it would be generous of her to pay for Mom too, I think the woman is allowed to do what she wants with her money. Mom says no, I'm wrong, and "those who have more should always be willing to pay for those who have less." What do you think? -- COMPLAINING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR COMPLAINING: I think that your mother's friendship with Rhonda may be nearing its end. I also think that because there is such a discrepancy in the amount of discretionary income your mother and her friend have, your mother should inform Rhonda that as much as she might like to frequently accompany her, financial reality prevents it. Alternatively, they could do something together that doesn't cost as much or is free.

DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve -- when people live, say, in Washington state, and they say, "Are you going up to California?" or "I have a friend coming down from California." My brother-in-law does this all the time. Is it a condition or just laziness? If I correct him, he gets angry. I know I'm right, but what would you call his condition? -- PEEVED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PEEVED: I would call his condition "habit." And I would call your condition a need to nitpick. Although you may be right in this case, if you want a pleasant relationship with your brother-in-law, resist the temptation. Everyone has flaws. His is a minor one.