Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I've been in the retail business for 12 years; my husband and I own it. A customer moved here a few months ago. He's retired and lives with his wife, daughter and grandchild. He's bored and doesn't want to be around his family, so he has started spending every day in our store, wasting our time.

He bothers customers with his stories and traps them for hours at a time. He has purchased some items, so he is buying from us. But I can tell he just wants a place to hang out. He is loud and intrudes into other people's conversations when they are at the counters. He has also taken a liking to one employee who works Saturdays and has started spending four to five hours every Saturday coming in and trying to make conversation about anything.

I have never had to deal with this kind of customer. I don't know how to tell him he can't hang out at our store. He's basically using us as an outlet to talk to people and keep himself out of his house. Please help. I want to say it in a nice way, but I think any way is going to hurt his feelings. -- UNPLEASANT SITUATION

DEAR UNPLEASANT: You seem to be a compassionate person. Check out what services are available for seniors in your area. Then explain to the customer that while you appreciate his business, you and your employees have work to do, limited time to do it and cannot socialize with him. Then suggest some places where he can spend time, volunteer, etc.

DEAR READERS: A group of distinguished psychiatrists, the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP), needs help from some of you. They are seeking to understand how faith identity -- being spiritual, religious, spiritual but not religious, or neither religious nor spiritual -- positively or negatively impacts mental health and well-being. Below is the URL to an online survey, which will take approximately 10 to 15 minutes to complete. The questions address the following topics:

-- Do you identify as religious, spiritual, both or neither?

-- What religious and/or spiritual practices do you participate in, if any?

-- What are your current levels of anxiety, and what is your current mood?

Readers, your input is important. Understanding your beliefs, including how they affect your mental health, could benefit individuals who need help and haven't gotten it. To participate in this anonymous survey, you must be 18 years of age or older. The URL below will direct you to the online survey. For those who have no internet access but would like to participate, please send a letter to:

GAP Religion/Spirituality Survey

P.O. Box 570218

Dallas, TX 75357-0218

URL: https://yalesurvey.ca1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8G4jpAMkF2BDLlb

Thank you in advance for helping them out. They are a wonderful, caring group of doctors. -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law have been married for seven years and have two young daughters. We get along well and spend a lot of time together. Our daughter is an only child, and I have noticed over time that my son-in-law is very selfish and puts his needs before the family's. Because he works hard, he seems to feel it entitles him to do whatever he wants. My daughter works hard too, and she constantly puts the family's needs and his needs ahead of her own.

I know she's not happy about his spending habits. Recently, over her objections, he bought an $80,000 car. While they can afford it, I believe she resents the bulk of the family expenses falling on her while he gets what she calls his "boy toys." Their earnings are very disparate. My daughter, a doctor, makes three times his salary as a police officer. They have been in counseling, but it seems to have had minimal impact.

How can I support my daughter in dealing with this? I worry about her happiness. I have a good relationship with my son-in-law, but we don't discuss difficult issues. So, while I want to support their family, it will have to be through my daughter. Any suggestions for me? -- HELPFUL MOM IN MARYLAND

DEAR MOM: Resist the urge to involve yourself in this. Your daughter is educated, successful and intelligent enough to do something about it when she's had enough. Because counseling didn't help her and her husband communicate more effectively on the subject of his spending, she may eventually have to make some decisions about her and her children's futures. Let her know you love and support her, but do not stir the pot. Say little, if anything, on this subject and only if you are asked.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been invited to a surprise engagement party honoring a distant relative I'll call "Elizabeth." The invitation states, "Shhhh ... This is a surprise! Elizabeth doesn't know about the impending proposal."

Is this something new? What if she says no?! Does everyone go home or stay and endure an uncomfortable meal? Should we take a gift? Isn't this beyond awkward and over the top? What's next? -- BEHIND THE TIMES?

DEAR B.T.T.: I agree that marriage proposals should be private and intimate, rather than a Hollywood production. (If only because there's always a risk that the person being proposed to might feel trapped, embarrassed or refuse.) However, you and I should not assume we speak for everyone.

Over the last decade or so, marriage proposals, invitations to senior proms, etc. have taken on a life of their own. And, if it makes people happy -- and hurts no one -- who are we to judge? As to whether to bring a gift to this event, it might be more prudent to bring one to the bridal shower rather than the surprise engagement party.

DEAR ABBY: I had a horrible childhood with a mean mother who berated and took her issues out on me. I also had an older brother who enjoyed making fun of me and embarrassed me in front of others to get his kicks. He still never misses an opportunity to pull a "gotcha."

I was raised at a time when child abuse was considered making a kid tough. What it did to me was break me down emotionally. Does PTSD ever go away, or do I have to live with it to the end? -- JUST GETTING BY IN NEW YORK

DEAR JUST GETTING BY: I'm sorry for the abuse to which you were subjected. PTSD does not go away on its own, and you do not have to "live with it." Distance yourself as much as possible from your bully brother. You can find the help you need by asking your physician or insurance company to refer you to a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in patients with PTSD. You won't be the first person to do "couch time" after an abusive childhood. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law has spent every Friday night with my husband and me for two years, ever since my mother-in-law passed away. My husband spends every Tuesday evening with him at his house. My sister-in-law is building a room onto her house for him to live in (he is selling his house). My husband and sister-in-law call him two or three times a day.

Abby, my father-in-law is healthy and still drives. He never pays for any food -- my husband and sister-in-law buy all his food. He's a wealthy man, but stingy. I think my husband and his sister are obsessed. What do you think? I'm so tired of this. I don't want him staying at my house. I need privacy! Help! -- OVER IT NOW IN TENNESSEE

DEAR OVER IT: Your husband and his sister appear to be devoted to their father. Either that, or they may anticipate a big payday once their wealthy parent expires. More than privacy, you may need a break. Arrange to spend some of those Friday nights with women friends, and perhaps his presence will be less onerous.

DEAR ABBY: We welcomed new neighbors and allowed them to use our garbage can until they got one, and gave them a bottle of wine and a housewarming card. We also offered to let them use our downstairs bathroom until the contractor finished theirs. No one else on the block did anything for them. Nothing.

They then invited a neighbor and his wife over for drinks and didn't invite us. My husband says I shouldn't be offended by this. I certainly would have had the neighbors who had welcomed me over first. What do you think? -- SNUBBED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SNUBBED: I think you and your husband are more than neighborly. I also think you are blessed with common sense, something your new neighbors may lack. My advice is to let this unfortunate incident slide without holding a grudge. Take the high road and move on. Nothing positive will come of allowing this to fester. Whether the couple is worth knowing better will become apparent with time.