Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "John," for a year and a half. He had been divorced for two years after a 20-year marriage when we got together. He told me he and his ex, "Jessica," were still good friends. I thought it was OK since they were co-parenting their kid. I have children of my own, and I understand.

I gave up everything and moved two hours away to move in with John. Then I realized he was constantly talking and texting with her. Then I noticed all the food containers in the fridge were from her. It made me realize how much he depends on Jessica. John told me they divorced because they grew apart.

When we discussed it further, John admitted he still depends on Jessica for everything from dinners to paying his bills and daily conversations. They are both in relationships and continue to act like this. Their "kid" is now 18 and has graduated from high school. Am I wrong for not wanting to move forward in this relationship? John doesn't seem to want or need me. -- CONFUSED IN MONTANA

DEAR CONFUSED: To say that John is overly dependent on Jessica would be an understatement, and Jessica seems to like it that way. You're not wrong for preferring not to move forward in this relationship; you are intelligent. For you to move forward, Jessica would have to step aside -- and it appears that neither she nor John is open to doing that.

DEAR ABBY: I am a petite, 53-year-old woman who works out four to five times a week, so I'm in very good shape. I often perform manual labor jobs instead of hiring someone or using equipment. I regard it as an opportunity for an extra workout. Someday I may have to take the easier path, but not yet.

When people see me do things that are considered hard work, they presume I need help. For instance, today I bought 30 cement blocks to start building a wall. Several men asked if I needed help. I refused politely as I always do, saying they were thoughtful to offer but I didn't need help. They replied, "No problem."

A short time later it started raining. A woman walked by carrying an umbrella and offered to help, and I responded just as politely. She put her umbrella down and started lifting the blocks into my car anyway! I said, "No need. You were sweet to offer, but I'm getting my morning workout." She took offense and snapped, "Sorry to 'impose.' I was trying to help," and stalked off! This happens often.

I feel bad after these encounters. It seems I am perceived as ungrateful, but if I need help, I will ask for it. How can I convey this more effectively, or must I just accept the help? -- TRYING HARD IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING HARD: If multiple people are offended when you refuse their offers of help, there may be something wrong with the way you're delivering your message. Sometimes it isn't what we say but the words we choose or their tone that can be off-putting. My advice is to talk this over with some of your friends and see how they react.

DEAR ABBY: I have a half-sister who is 14 years younger, and there is a sensitive genealogical matter I have never shared with her. Her "father" married our mother while she was pregnant with another man's child. That man lied to her about being single and wanting to marry her. My stepfather came on the scene, fell in love with Mom (knowing she was pregnant) and married her before she gave birth to my half-sister, which is why her birth records show him as the father.

I had urged both of them to tell her, but they kept saying it "wasn't time," and now they have both passed away. I'm in my 70s now and not sure about how (or if) I should approach her. I'd appreciate your advice in this delicate matter. -- SIBLING SITUATION

DEAR SIBLING: I advise readers to disclose this kind of information so relevant medical data can be accessed, if necessary. If you know the identity of your half-sister's birth father and where his family is located, you should reveal this family secret so that, should the need arise, she can find out whether there is a genetic predisposition toward cancer, heart problems, etc. Her life or the lives of her children could benefit from having that information.

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons and a daughter. My younger son will be getting married in a few months. While he and his sister used to have a close relationship, they have been estranged since their father's death a year ago. I have reason to suspect that he won't invite his sister to attend the wedding.

I intend to have a heart-to-heart talk about this with my son and find out what his intentions are. I regard an invitation as not only proper etiquette, but also an opportunity to extend a peace offering.

Would you please advise me on the best way to approach him about it and, specifically, what words to use? I'm worried that if an invitation isn't extended, their relationship may become impossible to repair. I should mention that while they are both good-hearted people, they are also stubborn. -- HEARTBROKEN MOM

DEAR MOM: Whatever happened between your son and daughter must have been a doozie to have caused a yearlong estrangement. If you wish to approach your son, do so in the context of your concern that if she isn't invited to his wedding, you fear the estrangement could become permanent. But after that, please recognize that this is his wedding, and it is his and his fiancee's prerogative to decide who should celebrate with them.

DEAR ABBY: A colleague of mine died recently. I sent a sympathy card to his wife and family. The gentleman who passed away has a best friend who works with me, and they were very close -- almost like brothers. They would take fishing trips together, go to football games, etc. I know the friend is grieving too. Would it be OK to send this friend a sympathy card as well? -- CARING FRIEND

DEAR CARING FRIEND: I see nothing wrong with doing that. Your co-worker has obviously experienced a significant loss, and an expression of sympathy would be both thoughtful and appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old woman who has been in many relationships since high school. No engagements, however, although four of the men mentioned they wanted to marry me. I lived with three of them.

I'm a former model, have almost completed my second master's degree and hold a steady government job. I don't understand why I feel so depressed just because no one has ever wanted to marry me. I have wanted kids my entire life and thought I would have three before I was 30. Now I cry every day thinking how I may never be in a relationship with anyone who will love me enough to marry me, or have kids with me because marriage never happened.

I have a college fund set up for my "future" children and have done everything in my life to prepare to be a mom. I paid off my student loans early, got a car that was perfect for car seats and a dog that's a good breed for kids. I just don't know where to turn next. -- YEARNS TO BE WIFE/MOM

DEAR YEARNS: You seem to be a nice, accomplished woman with traditional values. Could it be possible that you are so focused on getting married that you have chased away your suitors? From what you have written, you may have put the cart before the horse. Allow a relationship to play out naturally before focusing on a rush to the altar.

Although you yearn for marriage before maternity, it's important you don't forget there may be other options. Marriage isn't in the cards for everyone. Some single women focus on their careers and/or adopt children who need loving homes. You could be one of them if you expand your horizons.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently struggling with a difficult parent. Actually, I have struggled with this relationship as far back as I can remember. My parent can be extremely hurtful and nasty at times, and when it happens, I feel stripped naked. I become almost paralyzed with pain and can barely stomach being in the same room with this person. Please help me find a way to handle these episodes appropriately with some level of functionality. I'm in my 50s now and in menopause, which is making everything more difficult. -- SAD BEYOND WORDS

DEAR SAD: This isn't a new problem; it's a very old one. Ask yourself what this person has to offer you other than more abuse. Warn your parent that you will no longer tolerate being treated the way you have been, and the moment it starts, leave the premises or hang up the phone. Repeat your message if/when it happens again, and do not go back for more abuse. This is called drawing the line (better late than never) and protecting yourself. If apologies are offered, fine. If not, you are free.