Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old son is a single father of three boys, 6, 4 and almost 3. They have been living with me, my youngest and my husband in a two-bedroom house for a while now, and I'm not happy with my life.

I enjoy my grandkids, but I don't enjoy my son. He looks and acts like my older brother, who I never liked because he was mean and bullied me even as an adult. What can I say or do to get my son out, and how do I deal with my feelings toward him? I love him, but I don't really like him. -- OVER IT IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR OVER IT: If the only thing you have against your son is his strong physical resemblance to your brother -- whom you dislike for good reason -- you are being unfair to him. However, this is your home, and if the conditions are no longer pleasant for you, you have the right to change them. Give your son a reasonable deadline to find other living arrangements without alienating him, if that is possible. (Your living conditions are crowded right now, so your reason is valid.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of eight children. My oldest sibling, "Lois," is 72. She is in the habit of returning "gifts" she says I gave to her as far back as 40 years ago. (She doesn't want to deal with getting rid of the items herself.) I think this is extremely rude. Lois does this only with me and one other sister.

Most of the time, I don't even remember the gift, or I already have one of the items. She'll usually attach a "sweet" note to it to make me feel guilty for not keeping it. She will also send it to me via another family member. I try to tell her to pay it forward to someone who could use or enjoy the item, but she ignores me. How do I get her to stop this? -- GIVE AND TAKE IN TEXAS

DEAR GIVE AND TAKE: You can't get Lois to stop, so stop trying. When it happens again, find the humor in it and donate the item to a thrift shop. (Or rewrap it and gift it to another relative for Christmas or a birthday.)

DEAR ABBY: Every day when I bring my lunch to work, one of my co-workers asks, "Hey, what are you eating?" I tell her and offer her some, and she accepts each and every time. This has been going on for weeks. While I'm not against sharing, I would like to enjoy my entire lunch. I think I'm being taken advantage of because I'm polite.

The last time she asked, I told her what I was eating, but did not offer her any. Was that wrong? Should I be responsible for feeding her every day? Bear in mind that when she does it, she has already eaten her own lunch. -- HUNGRY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR HUNGRY: During the pandemic, food sharing has become a no-no. I wonder where you got the idea that because someone asks you what you're eating it means you must offer to share it. Now that you know your co-worker is a human vacuum cleaner, continue to just answer her question. If you do, I'm betting she will soon stop asking.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a "best friend" from childhood I'll call "Artie," but they have little in common anymore. Finding things to do with him and his wife is a struggle. We like to travel, so we always invite them along, but Artie says "no" to everything. His wife, "Ann," and I are pretty close.

The problem? We all spend a lot of time together (at our home) and they fight constantly! It doesn't matter where they are. Ann shows up at our house in the middle of the night needing a place to sleep. Their fighting has ruined more gatherings than I have fingers and toes to count. I feel like our life is consumed by their toxic relationship. My husband tells me I should just "ignore it." But he's not the one who has to tend to his friend's wife EVERY day. I don't know what to do. Help! -- EXHAUSTED IN ALABAMA

DEAR EXHAUSTED: What you do is draw the line. Tell your husband the unrelenting warfare in his friend's marriage is more than you care to handle. Tell Ann the same thing, and that if she can't sleep under her own roof, she'll have to find other accommodations than your house in the middle of the night. Urge her to get counseling and to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or a local domestic violence shelter if Artie is violent. As to socializing with them as a couple -- on trips, yet (!) -- explain to your husband that you have lost your appetite for it, and if he wants to see his childhood friend, he should do it without you.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years. When I met my wife, we decided she'd move into my home with her teenaged boys. I told them upfront how important it is to me to keep a clean home. When they come home from college, they leave a mess in the kitchen, and it drives me crazy. This has been going on since we married, and I'm ready to tell my wife they are not allowed back into my home.

I have reminded them many times about cleaning up after themselves, but their mess continues. I'm close to losing my temper over it. It angers me to see grown men in my home do this. It feels like they are blatantly disrespecting me. When I was away for a year, my wife constantly complained to me about their lack of cleanliness as well. Am I in the wrong? -- TASKMASTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TASKMASTER: You are not wrong. Remind the "boys" -- without exploding -- that you have asked them repeatedly not to leave the kitchen in a mess after they use it. Then tell them -- without exploding -- that if it happens again, they will have to arrange for other accommodations when they visit.

It goes without saying that your wife should back you up on this. They should also ask their mother if there is anything else they can do to be helpful when they visit -- like wash the towels they have used and make up the beds with fresh linens before they return to school.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old woman who has been married for three years. We all have a past. Unfortunately, I made mistakes in mine that I foolishly mentioned to my husband when he asked. He is someone who doesn't let go of things easily.

I had a threesome in my early 20s, which I didn't think was a big deal because I was young and experimenting with my sexuality. He's now insisting on my having one with him. He thinks I cheated on him because when we met nine years ago, I was still friends with the people involved. I love him, but I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. What should I do? -- CORNERED IN LOUISIANA

DEAR CORNERED: If you're against the idea, you should refuse. And if he persists with his wacky idea, the only "threesome" you should agree to would involve the two of you and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an inmate at the women's prison. My fiance and I have been together for four years and have four little ones under the age of 4. They are with him.

I am getting mad at him for not writing often or sending photos. I realize he's busy taking care of the babies, but am I being selfish to think he should make time for me? -- INMATE MOM IN NEVADA

DEAR MOM: I am glad you asked. I am also glad you recognize the fact that your fiance has his hands full, working to support his family while taking care of the little ones. Because you have more time on your hands than he does, spend some of it writing to him and the children. Tell them how much you love and miss them. Describe your daily activities and your hopes for them. If you do, it may make your bond with them stronger and bring them closer to you until you are released.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married 10 years and in our 40s when he passed away three years ago. His wishes were that his ashes be split -- half to me, and half to be buried with his mom in another state. I want to go there by myself and take care of it without notifying his family, so I won't have to go through another "funeral."

I haven't spoken to his family members in that state since the funeral. I did speak with his sister -- once -- during the past year (we live in the same city), when I dropped off some of her family's things that my husband had. Can I just go and take care of it? Must I inform the family? I would much prefer just going to the cemetery and then coming right back home. -- YOUNG WIDOW IN NEW YORK

DEAR YOUNG WIDOW: Contact the owners of the cemetery and ask this question. If your husband's family owns the plot in which their mother is buried, you may need their permission to open her grave and add your husband's ashes. If you do not wish to have "another funeral," it is, of course, your prerogative, but I doubt you can slip this past them.