Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: During the last year, I made some significant changes to my life. I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 23 years, which gave me the confidence to take better care of myself. I have lost 70 pounds and am almost down to the weight I was in high school. I am very proud of this.

My issue is my family has now started using my former weight as a measuring stick. I am often told things like, "You should see your cousin. She's almost as big as you were!" which is quickly followed by an offhand, "No offense," which tells me they know it offends me. I said as much to them at first, but the insulting comparisons continue.

It's not just one person saying this; it has actually become the family standard. I know I was very large, but this is extremely hurtful. I find myself avoiding family visits because the subject seems to invariably come up in some way. Is there anything beyond what I have already tried that can convey the distress this causes? -- FORMER FAT RELATIVE IN MISSOURI

DEAR RELATIVE: Your relatives have been told that alluding to your former weight problem causes you distress. That it continues tells me they are thoughtless at best, not to mention rude and inconsiderate of your feelings. Because you can't change their behavior (and neither can I), the logical solution is to do what is best for you and see less of them.

DEAR ABBY: I have begun high school and I love it, but I'm bumping into friend problems. My new friend has many other friends in one big friend group, and she's inviting me to join them. I barely know these people, and some of them make me uncomfortable, but I still eat lunch with them sometimes. I don't want to be rude to my friend, but I am unsure if I want to join this group.

I have a separate friend whom I met in middle school, and I have reason to believe that I am his only friend. He eats lunch with me and my upperclassmen friends. They ignore him while he talks to me about the things we like. I am afraid I'm hurting him by making more friends. Any advice? -- STRESSED TEEN IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR TEEN: New relationships take time to develop. With time, as you and your new classmates get to know each other better, you may feel more comfortable with them. If that doesn't happen, you may want to make other plans for lunch.

That you have been including your middle school friend during those lunches I think is loyal, caring and compassionate. Doing so is not "hurting" him. If he's unable to integrate and become part of the group, no law says the two of you must have lunch with those people every single day. Consider alternating lunches with other students so you can widen your circle of friends. Friends are treasures. The more of them you have, the richer your life will be.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. We don't live together but we see each other every other day. Recently we had an argument about him following girls who show their butts on Instagram. This is not the first time I have asked him to delete the pictures; it's the third, actually.

Every time I call him on it, he claims he just scrolls through them, but he gets mad at the same time or insists he doesn't pay any attention to them. He promises to unfollow them but never does. I also feel really insecure because when we first started seeing each other, he made a comment about wanting to pay to get my butt enhanced. What should I do? -- BOTHERED BY BUTTS

DEAR BOTHERED: Perhaps you should spend less time looking at his cellphone. If your boyfriend is caring, faithful and treats you well, you may have to learn to deal with your insecurity. Many men look at pictures on the internet and it's not a threat to their relationships.

That said, however, if your boyfriend's ideal woman is one with a prominent posterior, you may not be The One for him. And regarding his comment about having yours enlarged -- of course, that would be your choice, not his, so don't be coerced. And, please, be aware that unless cosmetic surgery is done by a board-certified physician, the results can be unfortunate. It's also very expensive and the procedure is not "minor" surgery.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have two little boys. Since we were young we have wanted tattoos, but we couldn't afford them and I couldn't decide what kind I wanted. Recently, the subject came up again, and I decided I'd get one that symbolizes my motherhood.

At first, my husband seemed all for it, but then he started joking about where his name would go on it. I responded that his name would never be part of my tattoo because it would be about being a MOM. I also said I don't plan to get a tattoo of him because, although I know we'll grow old together, if something happened to him, I'd be stuck with it forever.

He was hurt by that remark and now thinks I'm questioning our future together. Mind you, his tattoo has nothing to do with me or our kids, and I'd never ask him to do that. Now he's pushing me to "honor him" in a tattoo. I still feel strongly about the "mother" ink being my one and only. Should I add his name, or is a tattoo not the best route? -- FEELING GUILTY IN TEXAS

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: What is driving your husband's "push" was the foolish comment you made that you would feel "stuck" (pun intended?) if he died and you had to wear his name forever. I would hope that you "honor" your husband every day of your marriage and vice versa.

Someone's name inked on your anatomy is no guarantee a relationship will last -- living examples of which are the many celebrities who have had theirs removed or modified because their romances fizzled. If neither of you has gotten those tattoos yet, it would be better for your marriage if you both end this argument by skipping them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is in his 40s and permanently disabled from injuries received in a recent automobile accident. He is in pain, on pain medicine 24 hours a day and basically sleeps his days away. His pain and immobility make intimacy impossible.

He doesn't object when I go out with friends or participate in activities he is unable to do, like hiking, biking or kayaking, yet I feel guilty for leaving him home alone five days a week, and sometimes the entire weekend. His mother thinks I'm a terrible person for doing this, but I can't just sit home with him after I get home from work because he falls asleep watching TV.

We both know this will be the situation for the rest of our lives. This self-care is very important to my physical and mental well-being, as the financial stress is also overwhelming. How do I continue to live an active life and still be the wife he needs? -- SAD FATE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SAD FATE: If the situation were reversed, is this the way you would like your husband to treat you? This is an honest discussion you should be having with him. I will be frank. Leaving a disabled spouse five days (nights?) a week or for an entire weekend on a regular basis seems excessive.

You promised to love, honor and cherish this man in sickness and in health. Would it be possible to include him on an occasional outing -- if he can handle it -- so he can have some fresh air and a change of scenery? If you must go out to preserve your sanity, it would be compassionate to arrange for someone to stay with him so he's not alone in case there is some kind of emergency.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman of 28. I have started falling in love with a girl I met recently. We talked for a while, expressed feelings for each other and decided to start dating. She lives in Minnesota and I'm in Texas. She's also in college. I think she's 18 or 19. I know our age span is a little wide, but we didn't care about that.

Things were going OK, but recently she's gone quiet and hasn't been talking to me as often. She said she just needs some time to herself and that she's having some second thoughts about all of this. I talked with her about it, and she told me she still loves me and wants me to come visit her, which I'm planning to do soon. It feels like she's got cold feet, and I'm not sure what to do. I love her. I want to make this work between us, but I feel unwanted and unloved. What should I do? -- STARTING TO LOSE FAITH

DEAR STARTING: What you should do is recognize that you and this young woman are in very different places in your lives. You are ready for a serious commitment to someone. She's a college student who isn't yet out of her teens. If she needs time to herself so she can figure out whether she is ready for the kind of relationship you have in mind, give it to her. Do not force it. If that means postponing your visit, so be it.