Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were divorced six years ago. Our 26-year-old daughter has always been close to her mother and my former in-laws. When my ex and I separated, she was 20. When we divorced a year later, she sided with her mother, which I expected. Since the divorce, I have seen my daughter only at Christmas and on Father's Day. She does not visit me or communicate with me otherwise.

I have continued to be open and generous with her, and she sends me a list of items I can choose for her birthday and Christmas. I have bought her the jewelry, electronics and other higher-end items she requested. She doesn't seem to want my involvement in her life unless it satisfies her material desires.

Should I continue to be so generous with her because she's my daughter, or does a time come when it needs to end? I would hate to lose her, but it is obvious that she has let me go. Should I do the same? -- DAD OF DIVORCE IN CANADA

DEAR DAD: I think so. In fact, I think you should have become less generous when she started distancing from you. Not knowing the reason for your divorce, I can't guess why she "sided" with her mother and her mother's parents. If the reason was infidelity on your part, rather than a mutual agreement that the marriage wasn't working, I could understand the dynamics of what has been going on. But relationships are supposed to be reciprocal -- at least on some level. This one clearly isn't, so under these circumstances, I wouldn't blame you for closing your wallet. Send her a card with a small gift of your choosing this Christmas and see how that goes.

DEAR ABBY: I have decided not to socialize with anyone in my apartment building. We are a community, but I have lost two so-called friends because I wasn't "flexible enough" to make shopping trips on a whim. Another person complained that I knocked on the door too early or phoned too early. I didn't do these things with malice. I just didn't know.

I have always had problems interacting with others. And now, as always, it is better for me and others that I isolate. Abby, I am writing this letter to vent. Relationships are harder for some of us. What do you think? -- ALONE FOR NOW

DEAR ALONE: Relationships are about two-way communication. If someone dropped you because you called or knocked on their door too early, all they had to do was say, "I'm never up before 10, so please don't try to interact with me before then." The people who were angry because you couldn't (I assume) drive them on their errands were looking for a ride, not friendship. Please stop blaming yourself for this. And please do not allow others to judge you or make you isolate yourself. Someone may move into that "community" who would love to have you as a friend, so please stay open-minded.

DEAR ABBY: I was homeschooled K-12. I now have multiple master's degrees and work for a public school. I returned to my hometown and, with hard work and dedication, have moved up the career ladder in my district. While I love my job, I also value and respect the fact that my mom chose to homeschool me. I can't change my childhood, so I embrace all of those who are part of a village to raise and educate children.

My challenge comes when I am asked what year I graduated, or other questions about my schooling. (They assume that since this is my hometown, I attended school in the same district in which I work.) If I reply with, "I was homeschooled," I get shocked silence, and feel I must somehow justify my mom's choice to homeschool me (something over which I had no control).

This isn't just from colleagues, but also parents and staff. In addition, our district likes to feature alumni who work at the district and who chose to return to their hometown to give back. Well, I meet one of those criteria, but I cringe when they mistakenly announce my name as an alumna in a public forum, not knowing how to handle it. Please advise. -- EDUCATION LOVER IN ARIZONA

DEAR EDUCATION LOVER: I think it is time for you to stop being self-conscious about the kind of education your mother gave you, which equipped you to attain not one, but multiple graduate degrees. Rather than "cringe" and hide the fact that you are not an alumna from the district, discuss this with the administrators, so the error can be corrected.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for seven years. He provides financially for our family, while I work part-time. My husband is an "open book" when it comes to discussing our personal finances with others, while I am extremely private about this type of information.

Recently, our neighbors stopped by, and he told them what we paid for some work we had done on our house, which they did not ask to know. I was appalled that he did it, and asked him after they were gone not to tell people such private information. I'm very uncomfortable discussing our salaries with others, while he thinks it's something for all to know.

We're a middle-class family, and I'm by no means embarrassed by our finances, but I think it's preferable to abstain from discussing these matters with others. He thinks it's rude not to tell people what we pay for things and how much we make and save. Is it common practice to discuss personal finances with others? -- PRIVATE LADY IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR PRIVATE LADY: Rude?! Nowhere is it written that people "have" to discuss their finances with anyone other than one's spouse, immediate family or CPA. Keeping quiet about financial matters is not a breach of etiquette; it's good judgment. What your husband is doing could be perceived as bragging, which creates resentment and jealousy rather than impresses others, and anyone who reads my column knows it can drive people away.

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned my neighbor shot and killed her two young kids (14 and 2) more than 20 years ago and served only half of her prison sentence -- six years. The newspaper said she called the police herself, confessed and was arrested and incarcerated.

I have only known her for two years. She's very reserved and keeps to herself. She seems paranoid, but she has warmed up to me because we both dabble in art. Since I've learned this information from the internet, I don't know how to feel about her. This was a horrendous act, and I'm having a hard time processing. What are your thoughts? -- PERPLEXED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR PERPLEXED: Why did you find it necessary to research your neighbor? Did someone suggest it, or do you do that with all of your neighbors? If what you discovered is indeed true, there must be a good reason why she was freed after serving only half her sentence. I think, because you have questions, the person you should ask is her.

DEAR ABBY: I have known my ex's friend for more than 12 years. Long story short, we are now "friends with benefits." When I stay over, he almost always portrays himself as a good catch, but when it's time to act like one outside his home, he doesn't. He says, "Dating is too hard," and "We should take it one day at a time." He constantly tells me I will make "someone" a good wife and that I should have no problem finding someone. Must I just enjoy the best benefits I have ever had, or should I move on? -- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONFLICTED: Much depends upon what you really want. If what you want is a husband, children and a future, you should take this man's advice and find "someone" other than him. If it's great sex and nothing more, you must decide whether you want to stick around for the (wild) ride. No one can decide that for you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend of many years who makes a habit around her birthday of getting as much free food as she can from restaurants and stores. She collects coupons for birthday freebies and makes sure to cash them in, whether it's a free soft drink or dessert or lunch. She brags to me about how much stuff she got free and put in the freezer for later. Her husband does the same thing around his birthday. Neither one works, and both of them live on Social Security. They are not poor; they travel often. Is this extreme resourcefulness or is it more like greed and gluttony? I'm leaning toward the latter. -- BITING MY TONGUE IN TEXAS

DEAR BITING: I am leaning toward the former. This couple is taking advantage of what is offered. They are not harming anyone, many people do it. It's common practice, and there is nothing wrong with it. Stores and restaurants make these offers available for promotional purposes. Your relationship with these dear friends will last a lot longer if you judge them less.