Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend of mine, "Dirk," died by suicide a couple of years ago. We were very close when we were young but saw each other only occasionally as adults. However, on the occasions we did get together, it always felt like we picked up where we left off.

I found out about my friend's death from a family member after I discovered his phone number was no longer working and his Facebook and Messenger accounts had been deleted. He had died a few months earlier. Dirk's family asked me not to tell anyone that the death was a suicide. They didn't want his memory to be about that final decision. Because there was no obituary in the newspaper (they didn't want one), it feels as though my friend has been erased with no trace.

I'm still having a hard time with his death. I feel like I should put an in-memoriam obituary in the paper. I also feel a need to talk about it with others (both for myself and as a warning to others). My mother thinks I should abide by the wishes of the family. What do you think? -- MISSING MY FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR MISSING: When someone takes their own life, there are usually a range of emotions experienced by the survivors. These can include shame, guilt and anger. Fortunately, there are mental health programs that can help with these if the family is aware they are available. A call to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) could guide them if they reach out. I sincerely hope you will listen to your mother and respect the wishes of the deceased's family, even though you do not agree. If you do what you are contemplating, it could cause the family even more pain.

DEAR ABBY: Our 26-year-old married son currently lives with us. His wife of three years (close in age) was raised in a different culture and has recently started living with her parents in a city four hours away. My son has a stable, well-paying job and cannot relocate. They talk on the phone many times a day and night, and both say their marriage is "fine."

She doesn't work and doesn't finish anything she starts. She contributes to her family's household by using the car and money our son provides. She says she became depressed when she lived in our town but is happy with her parents and really doesn't see moving out. We feel she is immature, controlling and taking advantage of our son. We have told him as much. He understands he has a situation but seems too weak to change it. What more can we do? -- FLUSTERED PARENTS IN TEXAS

DEAR PARENTS: Your son knows your opinion. You can -- and should -- do nothing more than you already have. Because he and his wife say they are happy with the situation, keep your mouths shut and refrain from stirring the pot. At some point, one of them will want to make changes, which may mean your son will have to relocate. But this is his problem, and one he must resolve on his own.

DEAR ABBY: I was never close to my mother-in-law, "Agnes." She always came across as very religious and morally upright. She recently died of dementia. It came on so fast that there were things Agnes needed to take care of but was unable to. My husband was executor of her estate, so we had to go through all of her things and have them appraised after she passed.

One afternoon, my husband discovered a small binder tucked in the back of his mother's lingerie drawer. He looked through it and to say he was "shaken" would be an understatement. He let me read it. Apparently, his parents enjoyed wife-swapping, and Agnes took notes detailing her activities. My husband hasn't mentioned it since, and has left it to me to deal with. I have no idea what to do with it, but we certainly won't share it with his deeply religious brother or our son, who thought the world of the only grandmother he'd known.

I hesitate to destroy her property, but I don't feel it'll benefit anyone to keep it. There is no one I can discuss this with, and it's not a subject my husband wants to talk about. Your thoughts, please. -- EMBARRASSED IN OREGON

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I agree that it would be of no benefit to your brother-in-law or your son to learn their respected parents/grandparents were swingers -- including the intimate details of the encounters. I'm voting for keeping the past buried along with Agnes.

DEAR ABBY: My adult son "Josh" has moved into the home I share with my significant other, "Tom." Josh is 30, and Tom is in his 60s. Josh has difficulty holding jobs and leaves in fits of anger if someone upsets him at work. This has put me in the middle. When he and Tom get angry at each other, they begin shouting.

I own the home we live in, so I could ask both to move out. I would also like to help my son find a job and housing so I can stop worrying about him being on his own with no place left to go. Josh is married. His wife lives with her parents nearby. Josh can't stay there because he made hurtful comments to her mother.

I just want us all to get along. During their last fight, I threatened to run away and not tell Tom or Josh where I was. I'm on eggshells every day and don't know what to do. Tom is on disability, and I'm still working. I am so frustrated I could scream. Can you help me? -- FAMILY PEACEMAKER

DEAR PEACEMAKER: I'll try, but it will involve you being strong enough to draw a firm line and stand behind it. Insist that your son start counseling for his anger management problems, which are at the root of his employment and marital difficulties, or he will no longer be welcome in YOUR home. Give him a deadline to start and do not waffle. If you stand your ground, you will not only change the direction of Josh's life but also may save your own romance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to your request for comments about your answer to "Doggy Business" (Oct. 28). Please IMPLORE your readers not to put their dog's poop in their neighbor's garbage cans, even if the cans are on the street. This may seem harmless, but I live near a park and daily dog walkers use my trash can like it's a public service.

My garbage quickly fills with endless poop bags, sometimes between five and 10 a day. Garbage is collected only every other week in my community. I'm sure your readers can do the math. Then I end up having to work around all this poop, and not only does my garbage can perpetually stink to high heaven, but I have to be judicious with what I throw away myself.

Rough materials will rupture those bags and poop gets all over the inside of the can. I'm currently saving up to modify my property's retaining wall so I can keep the receptacles away from the street, but I'm at the mercy of dog owners until I can afford this renovation.

Please, if you have a dog, be a good neighbor. Be responsible for its waste. If you don't want to carry it, get your dog a harness or pack with a pocket, and dispose of it in your own can when you get home. -- PEEVED IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR PEEVED: I advised "Doggy Business" that disposing of his dog's waste in neighbors' garbage cans is a big no-no. After asking for readers' thoughts, an AVALANCHE of responses descended. The vast majority agreed with me, expressing disdain at the practice and explicitly sharing the messy, smelly details of their experiences.

Some areas require trash be placed in a large, sealed plastic bag in the receptacle. When garbage collectors pull the bag out, the small poop bags can spill out and the contents disperse onto the street. Worse, if the bags are thrown into a neighbor's garbage container AFTER collection, those bags remain at the bottom and smell for days.

Readers, encourage dog walkers to take a larger bag with them or wear a fanny pack with multiple compartments to transport their pets' "souvenirs" back to their own home.

DEAR ABBY: Our nosy children have been pressuring us to explain their inheritance. I'm appalled. I was taught that this is something for the parents to tell, not the kids to ask. Several friends of ours who are executors for their parents are now being questioned by siblings while the parent is sick and fighting for life. Please explain to readers what is the best etiquette with regard to inheritance. -- UNSURE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNSURE: I know this can be a sensitive subject, but it is also an important one. Although some may not agree with me, I happen to be in favor of open communication regarding money matters. Too often money (and the promise of it) is used to manipulate and control family members. This is not a matter of etiquette. If adult children are going to inherit, they need to learn early how to wisely and responsibly handle money. And, if circumstances change and the estate is affected, the heirs should be given as much forewarning as possible so they are prepared and not shocked.