Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for eight years. When I met him he was married, but his wife lived in another state. Although he said he loved her, he would visit her only for a week every other month or so. While he was there, instead of concentrating on her he spent most of his time visiting his friends.

He never intended to leave her for me, but she found out about us a year ago and told him she wanted a divorce. It became final a few months ago. He tells me he loves me every day, but he still spends a lot of time with his friends. We used to be together two or three days a week; we are down to one night most weeks, and occasionally two nights.

I don't think he looks forward to our time together the way I do. I'm afraid if I have a heart-to-heart conversation with him about this, he will walk away from our relationship. I am terrified of being alone, so I settle for waiting for my turn.

During the COVID quarantine, we kept to social distancing for several weeks, until I felt we had been isolated long enough that we could be together again. Tonight, he joined some friends for a social gathering, knowing it would compromise what I had worked so hard for so we could be together. Abby, it feels like he cares less for me than for his friends. Am I fighting a losing battle to stay with someone who seems so cavalier about our relationship? -- LEFT OUT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LEFT OUT: Do you not recognize that you have created the very situation you fear the most? You are alone! This man isn't going to give you anything more than you are already getting from him, which is very little. This isn't a losing battle you are fighting; the battle is over. He has made clear where his priorities lie, and they don't include you. If you really want a companion, find someone who is willing to share his life with you to the extent that you are willing to share yours with him. This man isn't the one.

DEAR ABBY: For the past week, my son-in-law has been texting me daily. I don't mind his texting about normal things, but he's either seeking a very close friendship or he is attracted to me. He and my daughter are 22 and very religious. I don't think asking me via text how he looks shirtless now compared to a year ago (he has texted me twice with no shirt on) is appropriate.

There have been other red flags on his side of the conversation, and I have never misled him in any way. Should I confront him via text? Should I tell my daughter? I love her and do not want her to be mad at me. I did nothing wrong. -- ONLY HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR M.I.L.: I believe you. If your son-in-law's texts are suggestive or make you uncomfortable, speak up and tell him -- not your daughter. If he persists in that vein, discuss it with her then. As to his request for a comment on his physique, ask him why he's asking his mother-in-law and not his wife. And follow it up by telling him frankly that you think the question and the photos are inappropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 30s and have been married for seven years. My husband and I have two young children, a beautiful home, good jobs, etc. However, over the last few years, I have lost my attraction to him.

I'm not superficial, but he has gained more than 40 pounds since we met, and he refuses to eat healthy or exercise. He watched me spend countless hours working out to lose all my baby weight. We are rarely intimate anymore, and when we are I do it out of obligation.

I know these things happen, but he seems to be happy. I think if I told him I wanted to leave, he would be floored. Divorced friends of mine who have young children have advised me against it, and say my children's happiness should come before mine. Others say if I'm not happy, the kids won't be happy. I can manage living this life for them, but I feel like I'm too young to cheat myself out of some of my best years. Am I being selfish or smart? -- WEIGHTY SUBJECT IN NEW YORK

DEAR WEIGHTY SUBJECT: Before your marriage deteriorates further, have a frank discussion with your husband. He seems to be happy because he doesn't know what's going on in your head. For reasons that go beyond animal attraction -- including the welfare of his children -- he needs to make some lifestyle changes and get a handle on his health. I am hoping that when you convey the message to him, he will be receptive. If not, please try marriage counseling before you consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 40s. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I keep reading the five-year survival rate is only 28%, and I'm concerned that despite receiving treatment (hormone therapy injections), I don't have many years left. The cancer has been found in my spine and pelvis as well. I am a person of faith, so I'm not afraid of death. I'm just worried about leaving my daughter behind, along with friends and family.

My question is, should I make a will? I live in an apartment and don't have many assets except for some savings. I plan to start a trust, so my daughter will receive that money at the appropriate time. I have never had a reason in the past for a will. I don't know what sorts of things go into a will. I also have a 2-year-old cat, and now I'm worried he will outlive me. I don't want him to have to go back to the Humane Society if I pass on. He's like a child to me, and I only want the best for him. -- MAKING PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

DEAR MAKING PLANS: Because you have financial assets, a daughter and a beloved pet you want to provide for in the event of your death, it's important that you consult an attorney now about any end-of-life documents you need to have in place. You may decide you need more directives than just a will, which will give you peace of mind and guarantee your wishes are carried out.

DEAR ABBY: Recently my husband and I invited a couple that we are close with to accompany us on a 10-day bus trip. After the first couple of days, they started doing everything on their own -- going to dinner, excursions, etc. We noticed it right away, and wondered what was going on. After a while we began doing our own thing and leaving them alone, which they appeared not to mind.

Now that we're back home from the trip, we're having trouble getting over the fact that we were almost completely ignored during the entire trip. It's not that we cared that they did things on their own, but when we invited them it was so we could spend some time together and at least have dinner together.

We're thinking of ending the friendship and seeing them only at group gatherings, but we hate to end a more than five-year friendship. I must add that they've done this several times prior to the bus trip, but other friends were with us, so we let it go. They are both reserved and loners. Of course, we'll never travel with them again, but how do we go about even having a friendship with them? -- FEELING IGNORED

DEAR FEELING: Let this go. Do not excommunicate this couple because they didn't live up to your expectations. Now that you know the extent to which they are "reserved loners," plan your social lives accordingly. Enjoy them with others to the extent that you can, and see them for brief encounters, preferably ones that include other couples.

P.S. I travel only with friends I know very well and with whom I know I am compatible. Before the trip, I make sure to discuss my expectations with them and am clear about theirs. Take a page out of my book, and you will experience fewer disappointments.

DEAR ABBY: A bunch of kids on my high school soccer team continually and intentionally mispronounce my name as a joke. I have corrected them on many occasions, but it only made it worse. They think it is hilarious, and my coaches don't do anything about it. I don't know what to do. -- ANNOYED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ANNOYED: Try ignoring it. However, if that doesn't stop them, recognize that ridicule isn't humor. In fact, it can be construed as a form of bullying. Because you have spoken to the coaches and they refuse to intervene, talk with the school principal about it. And if that doesn't solve your problem, your parents should have a meeting with the administrator and put a stop to it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I love animals and have several. Currently, my wife's health isn't great, and I have become worn out taking care of the animals. I worry for her, our retirement and my health as well. Caring for the animals has become too much. What should I do? -- TIME TO CHANGE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TIME: The first thing to do is have a realistic talk with your wife about the fact that caring for your animals has become too much -- to the point that you are becoming worried about your own physical (and financial) well-being. Then see if you know people who would like to adopt them. If no one is willing, an animal rescue group might be able to find them homes in which they will be cared for and treated well.