Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," and I do not consume alcohol, mostly because of our family history. Several years ago while Dan was at a work event, a consultant, "Ken," took him and some co-workers out for dinner. Ken ordered a bottle of wine for the table. Not wanting to cause a scene, my husband drank the glass poured for him. Now Ken has invited Dan and me to join him and his wife for an evening out, and he wants to "meet early for drinks."

Dan is sure Ken will buy another bottle to share. I think Dan should give Ken a heads-up beforehand. Dan thinks it would be rude to refuse a drink and doesn't want to have to go into an explanation as to why we don't. We don't care if the people we are with drink alcohol. Is there a polite way to decline without offending? Should it be ahead of time or at the restaurant? -- RESPECTFULLY DECLINE

DEAR RESPECTFULLY: It is perfectly acceptable to refuse alcohol. For various reasons, many people forgo "the grape" (and the harder stuff) these days. If a server asks your husband what beverage he would like, your husband should state his preference -- be it sparkling water, a soft drink, a juice drink, etc. There is no shame in it, and it isn't rude. That the host is providing alcohol is not a mandate to indulge, particularly if the guest has a problem with it. If Ken pushes, Dan should simply tell him the two of you generally prefer not to drink alcohol.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 weeks pregnant with my second child. I have always been slender, so like many expecting women, I am somewhat self-conscious of my changing (and ever-growing) figure. I was at the park today with my 2-year-old son when an older woman smiled and asked me when I was due. When I told her, she replied, "Oh, my God. Are you sure there aren't twins in there?" I thought her comment was appalling. Since when is it OK to comment on someone else's body? I was left feeling embarrassed, angry, and on top of that, enormous!

I know I shouldn't care what other people say or think, but pregnancy is also a hormonal time, and I can't seem to get past her nasty comment. What ever happened to "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"? A simple "Congratulations," or "How exciting!" would have been a far more appropriate and well-received response.

I'm sending this in the hope that ignorant people who say things like this will read it and realize how hurtful their comments can be to expectant mothers. Also, how should I respond if someone else makes a similar comment? -- TEN MORE WEEKS TO GO

DEAR TEN MORE WEEKS: Two responses come immediately to mind. The first would be to tell the person who made the thoughtless comment, "Wow, that was tactless!" Or say, "Nope. It's just one healthy baby in there." Of course, a third option is to say nothing and walk away.

DEAR READERS: I'm wishing you a happy, healthy 2022. Whew, folks! I can't believe we made it so quickly through 2021! I will join you tonight toasting a new year that will be a less stressful year for all of us. If you are celebrating this evening, please take measures to protect not only your own health but also the safety of others.

LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I have a younger sister I love dearly. I respect and admire her. "Elise" is intelligent and talented. She is a minister's wife and a mother to small children. Due to some unfortunate family circumstances when she was young, she has some emotional scars she's trying to overcome. Sometimes at family gatherings she'll "explode" and lash out at whoever triggered her. Her outbursts usually take us all by surprise.

How do we, as siblings who have grown up in the same environment, handle this? We don't think our childhoods so terrible, although we did have some challenges, and our daddy does have narcissistic tendencies. He actually recognizes that and is trying to improve himself. Sometimes we feel she makes mountains out of molehills, but we want to be sensitive to her pain. I'm concerned she'll end up controlling our family gatherings in a negative way if these flare-ups don't stop. What do you think could be done? -- BEFUDDLED BIG SIS

DEAR BIG SIS: What could (and should) be done is an intervention by you and your siblings in which Elise is advised to seek professional help for her explosive anger issues. If she refuses and her behavior continues, let her know you support her but can no longer include her.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's personality changes completely when he drinks, and not for the better. He brags, repeats himself and presents in a way that's annoying and embarrassing. His alcohol personality will never change -- it is who he is. He's been like this for the entire 13 years I've been with him.

He drinks two to three times a week, at most, and says I "overreact" to his personality change. He tells me I shouldn't get so frustrated, but I don't want to be around my husband when he drinks. Can you advise me how to live with him when he's drunk? By the way, it doesn't take much for him to get this way -- three beers. Could he be having a reaction to the alcohol? -- FED UP IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FED UP: That's possible. Some individuals are more sensitive to alcohol than others. Whether it takes three beers or simply sniffing a cork to get your husband loaded, his drinking is causing a problem in your marriage.

It's time for you to locate a chapter of Al-Anon (al-anon.org) and attend some of the meetings. This organization was created decades ago to help the friends and family members of people who have an alcohol problem -- which your husband definitely has. You are far from alone in having this problem, which you will realize once you get there. Please don't wait. Your reaction to his personality change is understandable.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having some hard times in school. I love my teacher, but I have been getting in trouble lately. She is also my coach. What should I do? Should I take her criticism or drop out of the sport and band? HELP!! -- HARD TIMES IN IDAHO

DEAR HARD TIMES: I'm glad you asked. The mature thing to do would be to talk to your teacher and see if you can mend fences. If you enjoy the sport and playing with the band, to do otherwise would only be further punishing yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for eight years. When I met him he was married, but his wife lived in another state. Although he said he loved her, he would visit her only for a week every other month or so. While he was there, instead of concentrating on her he spent most of his time visiting his friends.

He never intended to leave her for me, but she found out about us a year ago and told him she wanted a divorce. It became final a few months ago. He tells me he loves me every day, but he still spends a lot of time with his friends. We used to be together two or three days a week; we are down to one night most weeks, and occasionally two nights.

I don't think he looks forward to our time together the way I do. I'm afraid if I have a heart-to-heart conversation with him about this, he will walk away from our relationship. I am terrified of being alone, so I settle for waiting for my turn.

During the COVID quarantine, we kept to social distancing for several weeks, until I felt we had been isolated long enough that we could be together again. Tonight, he joined some friends for a social gathering, knowing it would compromise what I had worked so hard for so we could be together. Abby, it feels like he cares less for me than for his friends. Am I fighting a losing battle to stay with someone who seems so cavalier about our relationship? -- LEFT OUT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LEFT OUT: Do you not recognize that you have created the very situation you fear the most? You are alone! This man isn't going to give you anything more than you are already getting from him, which is very little. This isn't a losing battle you are fighting; the battle is over. He has made clear where his priorities lie, and they don't include you. If you really want a companion, find someone who is willing to share his life with you to the extent that you are willing to share yours with him. This man isn't the one.

DEAR ABBY: For the past week, my son-in-law has been texting me daily. I don't mind his texting about normal things, but he's either seeking a very close friendship or he is attracted to me. He and my daughter are 22 and very religious. I don't think asking me via text how he looks shirtless now compared to a year ago (he has texted me twice with no shirt on) is appropriate.

There have been other red flags on his side of the conversation, and I have never misled him in any way. Should I confront him via text? Should I tell my daughter? I love her and do not want her to be mad at me. I did nothing wrong. -- ONLY HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR M.I.L.: I believe you. If your son-in-law's texts are suggestive or make you uncomfortable, speak up and tell him -- not your daughter. If he persists in that vein, discuss it with her then. As to his request for a comment on his physique, ask him why he's asking his mother-in-law and not his wife. And follow it up by telling him frankly that you think the question and the photos are inappropriate.