DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for more than 30 years. We have no kids together, but he has three adult children from a previous marriage. All of them are in their 30s. He and his ex had a bad breakup, and she has never given up on him coming back to her.

In my opinion, he has strung her along. He buys her the moon and pretends our marriage doesn't exist for the "sake of seeing the kids." We used to be close, but since the pandemic I have learned he has been going to "their house" every day before he goes to work. He pays her mortgage and does everything there for her. I pay our house bills because he needs to "support her and the kids."

They have grown super close now, and recently had a grandchild. He is too involved with her. He takes her everywhere she wants, and when I get upset or angry, he tells me I'm a selfish, childless b-word and if I had kids I would understand.

I love him, but I have reached the point where I have no self-esteem. I have asked him more than once why he doesn't go back to her. He tells me I am insecure and paranoid. Abby, I am a smart, successful woman, but I am afraid to give up what we had. I am also afraid of being alone. Am I overreacting about his closeness with her? What do I do? -- BEATEN DOWN AND FED UP

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: The man you married is emotionally abusive, selfish and dishonest. I don't know how long this scenario has been playing out, but it's as though he never really divorced his first wife. Has he been "visiting the kids" all this time, or did it start when the COVID quarantines began?

Start now to rebuild your sense of self-esteem by talking with a licensed mental health professional. Once you are stronger you will be in a better position to decide what you want to do. If you reread your letter, you will notice a glaring omission. Not once did you mention anything positive he does for you. There are worse things than being alone, and what you have described is close to it.

DEAR ABBY: Our 14-year-old granddaughter came out as a boy four months ago. The situation has been terrifying because he had thought about suicide. He was hospitalized and now sees a therapist and psychologist and is taking anxiety meds.

This has been a trying time for us as well. I love my grandchild but I'm having a very hard time with this. So is my husband. I don't know how to tell my sisters and their husbands about this. One set is pretty understanding; the other set is extremely right-wing and over-the-top conservative. We want to accept our grandchild as who he is identifying as, but we are still bewildered. Thank you for any suggestions you might have for us. -- THROWN IN TEXAS

DEAR THROWN: I don't think you should rush to share this news with your sisters and their husbands. The announcement should come from your grandchild when he is ready. As to how you and your husband should "handle" it, the organization PFLAG has recently come out with a free publication titled, "Supporting Your LGBTQ+ Grandchild." It's a quick and easy read, and you may find the information it contains helpful. Find it at pflag.org or by calling 202-467-8180.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Aaron," and I have been together almost 10 years. We are both divorced from narcissistic spouses. We have discussed a future together and are working toward it. It's taking so long because Aaron's children are quite a bit younger than mine. (I'm an empty nester; his kids are just going into their teens.) I am also working on getting my career established.

We get along well and seem compatible in every way, but one thing bothers me: Aaron can be passive-aggressive. It isn't often and it generally isn't just over petty stuff, but when it happens it is very hurtful.

I've been going to counseling to resolve some issues from my childhood and first marriage, and recently realized I have some toxic traits I need to work on and heal. Unfortunately, some of that toxicity has spilled into my relationship with Aaron and hurt him. When it happens, he reacts passive-aggressively for a bit, then things seem to go back to normal.

What can I do to get over the hurt I feel when he acts this way? I don't want to repay hurt for hurt. I want to break the cycle. -- HEALING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HEALING: If your "toxicity" is what causes Aaron to react with what you interpret as passive-aggression, he could simply be nursing his wounds. Talk with your therapist about including Aaron in some of your sessions. If the therapist agrees, tell Aaron you think your relationship could be improved if he's willing to go with you. If the therapist does not agree to the "joint" sessions, it might be worth your while to discuss couples counseling with another therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing a married man for more than 30 years. Everything was fine between us until recently. I have begun to suspect one of my female neighbors is seeing him as well. I'm contemplating getting in touch with his wife and my neighbor's husband and telling them about my suspicions.

I need to know what to do so this relationship with the neighbor will stop. I know by telling on him, I'll lose him, but if the neighbor is after him because of his money, I don't want his wife thinking I'm the one taking it from him. What should I do? -- NERVOUS IN TEXAS

DEAR NERVOUS: Despite the odds, you have been fortunate in having had a drama-free affair for 30 years. Because you have no proof that your lover is involved with someone else, it would cause less damage to everyone if you shared your suspicions with him. I guarantee that if you reveal your three-decade affair to his wife, you can kiss this romance goodbye. If the neighbor couple finds out you accused her, you will make enemies -- particularly if your suspicions are not true.

I find it ironic that after helping your lover cheat for decades, you are now angry at him for cheating. I see nothing to be gained by creating a scandal to save your injured pride.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time, I pick my granddaughter up from public school. This week, I picked her up on Tuesday and again on Friday. Both days, she was wearing the exact same outfit, a shirt/hoodie that was too small and hand-me-down jeans that were too big. On Tuesday, when my son came to get her (Mom wasn't with him), I told him I didn't like the jeans and the shirt/hoodie was ill-fitting. He said he thought the jeans looked fine.

Abby, I have bought many clothes for my granddaughter, and I know she should have other options. I've always been under the impression that "No matter what you have, you always put your best foot forward." For reference, my son leaves home by 5:30 in the morning, and her mom takes her to school. Am I wrong to want to chastise my son and his wife for this? I sincerely think they are doing the child a disservice by allowing her to go to school this way. -- PERPLEXED GRANDMA IN TEXAS

DEAR GRANDMA: I wish you had mentioned how old your granddaughter is. Children these days choose their own outfits without help from their parents or input from their grandmothers. Your sense of style may be very different from your granddaughter's. This may be what the other students wear, and she doesn't want to be "different." Most important is not what she's wearing, but whether she's clean and well-groomed. I sincerely hope you refrain from "chastising" your son and daughter-in-law about this because I can guarantee it won't be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: My wife doesn't like the gifts I bought her. I got her an Apple Watch for her birthday, which is two days after Christmas. The only model they had in stock was the SE, which is a fine watch. If they'd had the Series 7, I'd have bought it because I know how she is. Of course, she "had" to look up the price, which was $120 less than the Series 7.

After spending $700 on designer bags for her for Christmas, buying her a dozen other things and an Apple Watch, she had the audacity to call me cheap! I am deeply hurt. I tried to talk to her about it, but she says I'm being overly sensitive. For what it's worth, she got me nothing for Christmas. What to do here? -- NOT THANKED IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT THANKED: It appears you married a demanding "material girl." Someone -- you, perhaps -- should point out that looking up the cost of a gift and calling the giver "cheap" is beyond rude. At the least, she owes you an apology.

As to "what to do here," in future seasons of giving, I wouldn't blame you if you were less generous with your selfish, ungrateful wife and closed your wallet.

DEAR READERS: On this Day of Love, I want you to know how much I cherish the relationship I have with you. Wishing a Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. -- LOVE, ABBY