DEAR ABBY: A dear friend I have known since we were children was murdered. She was lovely in every way, and I am bereft. I cannot process my grief over her untimely passing because it was accompanied by such trauma.

Images of her murder flash through my mind, especially at night while I'm trying to go to sleep. They also wake me up in the morning. Talking about it makes it worse because it revives the horror, and also because people want to know details as though it is just a story. I feel it is disrespectful to her memory and my affection for her to reduce it to that.

I'm usually a resourceful person, but I have no road map for this. It is of considerable relief that her killer was found, but the details revealed by the media have added to my trauma. I have had friends die at even younger ages from other causes, but not this. Some of our mutual friends are in the same boat as I am, so any guidance you can provide would be appreciated. -- BESIDE MYSELF IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BESIDE MYSELF: I am so sorry for your friend's untimely and tragic death. Clearly, it was shocking and traumatizing for everyone she left behind. You are not obligated to satisfy the curiosity of anyone about the "details." (There is no limit to the amount of curiosity something like this can generate.) All you have to say is you do not wish to discuss it. Period!

Although you didn't mention how long it has been since you lost your friend, because it is causing you to have nightmares, please discuss this with a licensed mental health professional. It may be painful, but it's the most effective way to work through this.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my partner, "Lizzie," for five years. We are both divorced and have created a blended family of six children (four are hers; two are mine). I'm within 10 years of retirement and have a decent net worth. Unfortunately, Lizzie has no savings and is unemployed.

During our time together, I have paid for everything, which I'm OK with. I previously went through a nasty, contentious divorce. It was financially devastating. My ex still brings me back to court every year in an attempt to increase her support, which is a painful process.

Lizzie would like us to get married, primarily for financial stability. I am resistant because I do not want the financial exposure of another divorce. However, this situation creates an inequality in our relationship. Can I address her concern without marrying her, or are we doomed? -- SCARED OF COURT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SCARED: This is a question you should address with your attorney. There are ways you can ensure that Lizzie will be taken care of in the event of your death or incapacity, but they will require documentation. Your attorney can -- and should -- guide you in regard to this.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old man, married for 25 years. My wife is older than me. In the beginning, it was great, but our relationship slowly started failing, and now we argue about everything. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage. We don't have one single thing in common anymore.

I want a happy life with or without her, but I see nothing but darkness around me. When I ask for divorce, I get accused of cheating and threatened with paying her spousal support for the rest of my life. Marriage counseling doesn't seem to be an option. What should I do? -- WANTS TO BE FREE IN OREGON

DEAR WANTS: If marriage counseling "isn't an option," it doesn't mean you can't get psychological counseling to help you become emotionally stronger. While you're at it, it is important that you talk with an attorney about the divorce laws in your state. Once you have done that, you will be better able to decide if you want to "live in darkness" for the rest of your life, or what you may have to sacrifice in order to be finally free. You deserve to be happy, and frankly, so does your wife, who also appears to be miserable.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years refuses to come clean to me about his infidelity and cheating. I've given him countless chances to come forward, but he always denies it. I caught him with a girl who has been following us around the whole time we've been together.

Abby, I have done everything I could to get him to own up, but he doesn't! What should I have done or what can I do so my life can move forward and I won't have to worry about what he's doing? I'm heartbroken and he doesn't care. -- TWO-TIMED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TWO-TIMED: As you stated, you have been deeply hurt by your boyfriend's dishonesty, and he "doesn't care" about your feelings. He is who he is, and he isn't going to change. Obviously, one woman isn't enough for him. You have now wasted four precious years of your life -- time you will never get back -- on a cheater who lies consistently. Isn't that enough? Do what you should have done years ago and move on.

DEAR ABBY: I am a fourth grade student who is, let's say, good at math. I usually finish my math homework easily, but lately it's been piling up. The problem is, my classmates ask me for help a lot. I enjoy helping them, but sometimes it's hard to explain things, or I can't find the time to get my own work done.

The teacher is usually doing a math group with other students, so my friends can't ask her. Should I fall behind by helping my friends or focus on my own work and risk hurting their feelings? -- STRESSED IN IDAHO

DEAR STRESSED: You shouldn't be helping your friends to the exclusion of your own work. It is important for your sake and your friends' that you discuss this with your math teacher. She needs to know she should be devoting more attention to the students outside her math group who need further instruction instead of relying on you to do it. After your work is finished, lend a hand to the other students if you wish.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I divorced when our only son was 3. We had joint custody. Our marriage ended because of his binge drinking, secrecy, verbal abuse and one incident of domestic violence. At 14, my son chose to live with his father.

His dad and stepmother have now alienated him from me. He's 30 now and has had problems abusing alcohol and marijuana. When I see him, there is always underlying hostility. I love and fear for him, as any mother would.

I attend Al-Anon meetings and have made myself geographically available to him over the last eight years. He visits briefly, once or twice every six months. I have offered to go to counseling with him. He has a counselor but never invites me to come. I would pay for one, but my son says he's too busy to do more. Should I just give up? I'm afraid of letting go, but emotionally drained from the struggle. -- MOM WITH A BREAKING HEART

DEAR MOM: You have done everything you can to repair the tie that was broken so long ago. You can't fix what's wrong with your son. Whatever problems there were in the past, you have tried to deal with them the best you could. There is a saying in AA, "Let go and let God." For the sake of your own emotional well-being, it is time to do that.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. We are now making arrangements to move in together. I consider myself lucky because every day my partner tells me I'm beautiful, that I am kind and many wonderful things. I know he adores me. However, he has not told me he loves me. Nor have I said it to him. Am I old-fashioned in assuming my male partner should tell me he loves me first? I'm getting impatient. -- GREAT GIRLFRIEND IN IDAHO

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: I have a suggestion. Before you move in with this man, why don't you simply ask him why he hasn't said the words you long to hear? From what you have written, he demonstrates it often. His answer may be enlightening and could affect whether you proceed with your plans.

DEAR ABBY: We live next door to a nice Jewish family, with three precious kids who seem to really like us old retirees. I had planned to make a Passover cake for them and had input on how to prepare kosher. However, I am having second thoughts. Should I send a card telling them I'd like to prepare something? Or should I go ahead and prepare it anyway? Or should I just send a Passover greeting instead? -- WONDERING IN TEXAS

DEAR WONDERING: A card might be the wiser way to go. Before you go to the expense of buying the ingredients, talk with the wife. Tell her what you are planning and find out how "strictly kosher" the family is. While some families would welcome your generosity, others might prefer not to consume something that wasn't prepared from kosher products and prepared in a kosher kitchen.