DEAR ABBY: My grandma died when I was 7. She was my favorite person, and I adored her. She played with me when no one else had the time, taught me how to bake, told me stories and didn't care that I was playing in the dishwater when she was trying to wash dishes.

I always knew that before she married Grandpa, she had worked as a cook in an American Indian boarding school in the U.S. I now know how atrocious, evil and disgusting those places were. They practiced government- and church-condoned cultural genocide and were places where children were sexually and emotionally abused.

Although I love my grandma, I'm embarrassed, angry and disgusted that she worked in one. If it was church-affiliated, I know she would have overlooked any abuse, even if she saw the act. How can I get past my anger and hurt at someone for something they did a lifetime ago? She has been dead more than 40 years. -- HURT GRANDDAUGHTER

DEAR HURT: From your description, your grandmother was a loving, caring, hardworking woman who was trying to feed (and possibly nurture) the children living in the boarding school. It may have been the only job she could find to support herself. While terrible things happened there, they were not her fault.

Child abuse isn't restricted to any one religion. Today, many religious people in many denominations cannot bring themselves to believe there is such evil among them. If your grandmother had shortcomings, forgive her for them and move on with your life. Dwelling on these negative feelings for someone who was good to you and is long gone isn't healthy for you.

DEAR ABBY: My wife died two years ago. I met a woman shortly afterward. We dated for a year, shared the same hobbies and were very intimate. We were inseparable. Now, after a year of marriage, we don't do anything together, and she has put on 30 pounds. Her three girls, who I was led to believe were independent at ages 20, 22 and 24, are actually supported in part by her. Her 15-year-old son lives with us and just stays in his room playing on his computer. He gets food delivered and does no chores.

I make $250k a year. She works and earns about $50k, and I give her an allowance to help pay for her son's private school and whatever else she wants.

It's obvious that I'm not No. 1 in her life. Since she just returned from a girls weekend (that I funded), I may not even be No. 2. My friends say I should run, that she's a gold digger who took advantage of me. I can't believe I was so wrong, and I'm always giving her "one more chance." Also, if I come near her cellphone, she goes crazy. As I write this, it seems obvious what's going on. Am I being taken advantage of in a big way? Could I be missing something? -- RANKING LOW IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR RANKING: Not knowing your wife, I can't judge for you whether she's a gold digger. Of this I am certain, however: You are being taken advantage of no more than you want to be. If you have any desire to save this marriage, tell your wife you are unhappy and offer her the option of counseling. If she refuses, consult an attorney and thank your lucky stars that your marriage has been a short one.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has been away for a while caring for her ill parents. Because I was alone, I decided to experiment with wearing women's clothes and found that I really enjoyed wearing leggings. They make very comfortable pajamas. I also found that sports bras not only provide compression that feels good, but also serve a purpose because I have rather enlarged breasts. Should I hide everything and put away my leggings and bras, or should I let her in on some of my secrets? -- DRESSED UP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DRESSED UP: I'm not sure what other "secrets" you have been hiding, but if they involve cross-dressing, you're not the only man who has discovered he enjoys wearing women's clothes. It may surprise you to know their wives help them do it. Your reasons for wanting to wear a sports bra and leggings seem practical. I see no reason to try to hide it from your wife.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow. I totaled my car four months ago and asked a friend, "Stan," for the type of help my husband would have provided. Stan was great and did so much. I felt bad that he refused my offer of money, so one day I took him out to lunch.

A few weeks later, he invited me to dinner and took me to my favorite steakhouse. He and his longtime girlfriend were parting ways because she was selling her home and moving to live with her son. We started going out to eat once or twice a week.

Abby, after two months, he disappeared! I think I fell in love with him without even realizing it. Now he's gone every weekend, and I'm in so much pain. I am trying to set myself free. How could I fall in love so easily? -- WASN'T EXPECTING THAT

DEAR WASN'T EXPECTING: You were vulnerable, and Stan was there and seemed willing to step in and fill the void left by your husband's death. That's how you fell in love with someone who was, I assume, a longtime trusted friend.

Stan may have met someone, have other commitments or felt unready to make one with you. That he hasn't given you a reason for his disappearance is disappointing, but it happens. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You did nothing wrong. These disappointments are a part of life.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to a verbally abusive woman for 49 years. To the outside world she seems perfect, but behind closed doors she's nasty. She overreacts angrily to the tiniest problem and jumps down my throat when I ask her the simplest question. She complains about my poor memory and hearing. I am 75 and in good shape except for a belly, which she often makes fun of. I have recommended couples therapy, but she refuses to go. Please help me. -- EXHAUSTED IN ARIZONA

DEAR EXHAUSTED: Therapy would be a good idea. Because your wife refuses to go, it might benefit you to talk to a mental health professional. While it won't solve her problems, it could help you get to the bottom of yours. Chief among them would be figuring out the reason you have tolerated your wife's verbal abuse for nearly half a century, and deciding what, if anything, to do about it. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good, if not terribly close, relationship with my adult son and daughter. We speak every few weeks. They live some distance away. There's no drama, no negative angst between us. My husband and I will soon be celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary. Neither our son nor our daughter has acknowledged the occasion nor asked if we wish to celebrate it. I assume they are somehow unaware of this milestone.

Should I contact them about it? It's not like we're incommunicado or estranged, because we're not. This anniversary is a BIG deal to us, yet they seem unaware. I'm blaming myself somehow. Their father has been treated for cancer and is, fortunately, deemed cancer-free now. What is your advice? -- READY TO CELEBRATE IN FLORIDA

DEAR READY: Your son and daughter may be so wrapped up in themselves and their own lives that it hasn't occurred to them to volunteer to host something or ask what you and their father would like. Call them and raise the subject. They may be waiting to be told what, if anything, you have planned for the occasion. If they are not available, do not let that stop you from having the celebration the occasion deserves.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend broke up with me. After a few weeks, I was OK with it. Then he wanted to visit me, but I was busy that day and, truth be told, I didn't want to see him. I was going to hang out with a guy friend when my ex showed up although I had told him not to. When I went out with my friend, my ex couldn't go in my house because I didn't want him there if I wasn't there. When I returned home, my ex was mad that we went out to eat and didn't get him anything. Was I supposed to buy him food if I didn't even want him there to begin with? This happened months ago and I'm still furious. -- DEE IN NEW YORK

DEAR DEE: Being furious is a waste of your time and energy. That your former boyfriend would force himself on you in spite of having been told he was unwelcome was rude and boorish. You did exactly the right thing by not allowing him to insert himself into your plans. I hope you are now rid of him. If he keeps it up, it could be considered borderline stalking.

DEAR ABBY: I recently returned from an annual girls trip with my retired teachers group. We all get along well and enjoy each other's company except for one "fly in the ointment" who refuses to leave decent tips for great restaurant service. I'm talking about $2 on a $20 tab. We all pay our own bills and tip 25% or more every time. We have mentioned the subject of tipping to her before. She says she thinks it's a "racket." Is there anything we can do? -- CHEAPSKATE'S FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: The annual girls trip may be this woman's only splurge for the year, which may be why she's conservative when it comes to tipping. I will assume that you and the others have spoken to her about the wage scale for restaurant servers, and the fact that many of them have to share their tips with other staff. Because there's nothing you can do to change the behavior of another adult, either consider your own generous tips as balancing out her stingy ones or stop including her because she's an embarrassment.