Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for a little over a year. I love her. However, right before our wedding, I met a co-worker I'll call "Alexis." We hit it off, and I consider her a close friend.

Alexis and I hooked up a few times before and after my wedding. We never discuss the encounters after they happen. After we've had a few drinks, we both say things about being together, but usually, we're just best friends. While my friends believe this is odd, it's almost a blessing that the awkward conversation doesn't happen after a night of something happening.

There have been instances when I have ditched my wife to hang out with Alexis -- not to do anything, but just to hang out with her and her mother. My wife says I spend too much time with Alexis between work and after work, but she's fun to be with. My wife is kind of a homebody. She doesn't like to go out and have a good time.

My wife doesn't trust Alexis, and while I can't blame her, I'm conflicted about what my next step should be. I love my wife, but I also love Alexis as more than a friend, and I know she feels the same. What should I do next? -- LOVES THEM BOTH

DEAR LOVES: You may love both of these women, but you are being fair to neither one. Your wife doesn't trust Alexis because she senses something is wrong -- and she's right. You and Alexis aren't buddies; you are lovers. That you have confided it to friends "who think this is odd" (in your words) means it is just a matter of time until your wife is in on the secret. Your first loyalty should be to your wife. At the very least, you owe it to her to have an honest discussion with her and figure out with her what the next steps should be.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been going to the same dentist for 20 years. We have always had the same dental hygienist. There's a computer in the room where she works, and she always schedules our next six-month cleaning with her before we leave. Over the years, we have noticed that she's not very clean. She is sometimes very unkempt -- with greasy hair and body odor. Her treatment room is also very messy. The last time I was there, she opened her cupboard, and I was appalled at the junk crammed in there. We are concerned that this is unsanitary and we no longer want to see her.

We love our dentist and the office staff. They are the nicest, most considerate and professional people. I would like to call and ask the front desk to reschedule our appointments with the other hygienist and include in our files that we only want to see that one. My husband thinks we should switch dentists. To be honest, I'm shocked the dentist would tolerate this, but he is a kind individual, and maybe that's the problem. Any advice would be appreciated. -- DENTAL DRAMA IN THE EAST

DEAR DRAMA: You should have discussed this with your dentist years ago. Your concerns are valid. It is your right to be treated by another hygienist for the reasons you have stated. However, for your dentist's sake, as well as your own, tell him exactly why you felt it was necessary to make the change. It will be doing the practice a favor.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Robert," for 10 years. We live together, and he helps me raise my preteen daughter. Recently, Robert has decided that he is "entitled to privacy." He has locked me out of his computer and phone and refuses to share his passwords.

Some history: Robert has cheated on me more than 20 times in the past, with an almost-encounter happening as recently as three months ago, thwarted only after I saw some text messages on his phone. Last week, I discovered that he used the search term "sex" on a website that's notorious for facilitating random hookups. I was furious.

Robert is now using my reaction to justify locking me out of his devices. I am finally putting my foot down and telling him this is the red line for me -- if he doesn't allow me unrestricted access to his devices, I can no longer be in a relationship with him. He is still refusing, so we are now at an impasse. Am I crazy? -- LIVID IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LIVID: You are crazy if you stay in a relationship with someone who has not only cheated on you more than 20 times in the past, but is now hell-bent on continuing. You know what he is doing. You know he won't change. Access to his passwords isn't the answer. Enough, already!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman who is all for greater acceptance of LGBTQ people, but I wish strangers wouldn't assume an intimate relationship exists when it doesn't. On more than one occasion, I have been with a woman friend, and the nurse or proprietor has said something that implies we are "partners." We're not! We're just friends assisting each other or having a meal together. It's embarrassing to be identified as something we're not. There's also no comeback to correct the misidentification that wouldn't make the situation worse. My plea is that everyone be treated courteously, without making assumptions. What do you think, Abby? -- STRAIGHT, BUT NOT NARROW

DEAR STRAIGHT: I agree with your sentiments. It is presumptuous to assume that because two people of the same sex are socializing that they're a couple. However, there is an effective response to correct someone who assumes you and your friend are a gay couple. All you have to do is smile and say three magic words, preferably in unison: "We're just friends." Consider it an opportunity to educate.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter went to visit her in-laws with her husband and two children. Her mother-in-law is an amazing cook. While they were having dinner, my daughter said to her, "This is so delicious, I would love to have the recipe." Her mother-in-law replied, "My recipes are for family only." My daughter was deeply hurt, and their relationship has never been the same. What would be the best way to handle this cutting remark and help their relationship move forward? -- NOT FAMILY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NOT FAMILY: The best way would be for your daughter's husband to tell his mother how hurtful her response was, and for the woman to apologize to your daughter and offer her the recipe because, like it or not, her daughter-in-law IS "family."

DEAR ABBY: I have a sister in-law, "Karen," no one in my husband's family likes. She's rude and insulting and acts like she is better than everyone else. She feels she's entitled to have family members watch her kids so she can do what she wants. (If you refuse, she drops the kids off at the door.) If anyone confronts her about her bad behavior, she claims she has anxiety and depression to make the person feel guilty.

Now, I'm not saying she doesn't have these mental health issues, but I believe she uses them to manipulate others. My mother-in-law keeps saying we should "turn the other cheek," but I no longer can, especially when it comes to her insults.

I know many family members will side with her out of sympathy, but I can no longer sit back and accept her verbally abusing me and others with no consequences. I know I need a plan so I won't lose my temper and say something I'll regret, but I'm not sure how to respond in a respectful way. Any ideas? -- DOESN'T LIKE CONFLICT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DOESN'T: Do nothing without first warning your in-laws that you have reached your limit. The next time your sister-in-law is rude and insulting, say calmly, "I don't deserve to be spoken to that way. That's it for me. I'm leaving." Then do it. Your husband should back you up on this. And while you're at it, have him and his family determine whether Karen's kids are at risk, and act accordingly. Dumping her children on someone's doorstep seems like child abandonment to me.

DEAR ABBY: I tell myself every year that I will not do this again but I do. My husband was married before, and had one daughter who now has two daughters of her own. She has always had the idea she was somehow deprived. I assure you, she was not. Her maternal grandparents thought she hung the moon and showered her with everything. When her mother remarried, she insisted that my husband allow her new husband to adopt her.

Contact with my husband was reestablished when she became of age. I do my best to acknowledge holidays, birthdays, etc., for all of them. The problem for me is there is never any reciprocation, and I'm tired of it.

We have a cordial relationship and see them frequently. It's as though she thinks we owe her something. I am the one who does everything; my husband couldn't care less. How can I end the cycle? To add to it, my own nephew is the same way. Nary a word of acknowledgement unless he is forced to. I guess my own feelings are the problem. I want to maintain cordial relationships, but I feel like it's a one-way street. -- AT ODDS IN NEW YORK

DEAR AT ODDS: Your stepdaughter and your nephew are adults. I suggest you have a mature conversation with both of them and tell them how you feel -- that you want to maintain a cordial relationship but it seems like a one-way street. Then turn the other cheek one more time and, if they don't respond, end the cycle. See them often and be cordial. Period.