Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away a couple of years ago, and my mother passed on recently. I have noticed something that I would like to share with your readers. When I came back to work after the funeral, many well-meaning friends and co-workers approached me to express their sympathy.

Instead of a short message or a hug, the majority shared stories about the deaths of their loved ones. Many of them were fairly long. I believe they shared with me to emphasize that they understood what I was going through. What they didn't understand was that I didn't have the energy to listen to their stories after what I had just been through.

After Mom died, seven people came to me and did this. I was so drained afterward that I had to go home. The next day, one of my dear friends came into my office, handed me a thermos of homemade soup, told me she loved me and was here for me, hugged me and left. It was the most uplifting moment I had experienced since my mother's passing.

Please tell your readers that while they have been through trials, and these trials enable them to empathize with grieving survivors, so soon after that death is not the time to share these stories. -- TIRED IN TOPEKA

DEAR TIRED: Many people don't know what to say when someone dies. While the individuals who offered their "extended" condolences meant well, I'm sure they would have been shocked had they been told it left you unable to function. Not everyone grieves in the same way.

Readers, it is important to take your cues from the person who is grieving. I am sharing this letter with you because the writer has a point. Sometimes the most effective message is a short one.

DEAR ABBY: My sister doesn't want children. I fully support her decision, and I'm happy she knows herself well enough to make it. She does, however, have what she refers to as her "fur babies." She has a wonderful, generous heart and is very charitable. My children have been blessed by their aunt's generosity.

My issue is: Lately, she has made a few comments about how I don't bring holiday gifts for her dogs. It's remarks like, "Well, my fur babies don't get gifts from their aunt." Am I missing something here? Should I feel guilty for not adding her pets to my gift list because she considers them equal in value to human children? I can't think of her dogs like I do my nieces and nephews. Am I wrong? -- AUNT OF FUR BABIES?

DEAR AUNT: You may not consider your sister's dogs as equal to human children, but she does. Gift-giving is supposed to be reciprocal. Your sister has been generous with your children, and you now know it bothers her that her "fur babies" have been overlooked. When the next gift-giving cycle rolls around (I hear there are great sales going on now) drop by a pet store. It is the kind thing to do, and it shouldn't break the bank.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always had a big hand in helping our daughter "Lauren" raise her three kids, ages 5, 10 and 15. She has moved in with us and out many times. About a year ago, she decided she would not do it again. Instead, she moved in with a boyfriend.

The kids tried it there but told us, "We don't want to live there." They don't feel safe because there are so many strangers and so many parties there. My daughter decided to let the kids live full time with us, and she now visits us only when it's convenient for her. If we ask her to come stay with them, she will agree but not show up. She also promises the world to her kids and doesn't follow through. She always has a ridiculous excuse as to why.

The 15-year-old has lived here more often than not. Lauren says I make it too comfortable for them here, and I should tell them they can't live here. She has tried to force them to leave, but both of the older ones flat-out refuse. The oldest said if they can't live here, they will go to a foster home because "We are not living with our mom, ever!"

Lauren does have full custody. She drops off the youngest after spending a couple of hours with her, promising she'll be back "in a little bit," but we may not see her for three to five days. Are we wrong for giving them a good, safe home? Should we tell them they have to go live with their mother? -- BACK AND FORTH IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BACK AND FORTH: Of course you are not wrong! Your grandchildren are lucky to have such stable and loving grandparents in their lives. I see no reason why you should tell those kids they aren't welcome in your home, which is their refuge. Your daughter has proven repeatedly that she isn't able to take care of her children.

Consider discussing with a family law attorney how to gain legal custody of all of them. If the older kids tell a judge about the conditions at their mother's house and that they feel unsafe there, custody may be granted.

DEAR ABBY: For six months I was in a relationship with a meth addict who cheated on me constantly. The woman he left me for has accused him of cheating with ME. Am I wrong to want nothing to do with him? I know it would only end in heartache, or another physical fight where the police will be called again.

He's hit me before, which is why I have blocked him on everything. I don't want to speak to him even if I see him in person. I'm better off, but he won't stop. He tries every couple of months. Help, please. -- ADDICT'S EX IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EX: Continue to ignore and avoid this addict. If he shows up, remind him that he's out of your life, you want to keep it that way, and if he doesn't stop stalking you, you will file a police report. In light of his violent past, a court order might be the next logical step.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Jenny," and I were together seven years, married for almost five of them. We have a young child together. We have been divorced for eight months. I have been trying to reconcile with her because she is the love of my life and I want our family to be together.

The problem is, since we separated, she has been seeing my ex-best friend, "Mack," who was the best man at our wedding. I was crushed when I found out. I have tried to show Jenny that Mack is a manipulator and a liar and that he hasn't been honest with her during their time together.

I know that I am clearly the best man for Jenny, our son and our family. However, she continues to see Mack even after his true colors have been shown and after I have done everything to make things right with us and win her back. How should I proceed, knowing she's making the wrong decision? -- RIGHTING A WRONG

DEAR RIGHTING: Please accept my sympathy because it's obvious you are hurting. You can't save your marriage all by yourself. It takes two. Your ex is unwilling to accept that Mack hasn't been honest, and sometimes people must learn the hard way. As much as you'd like to "save" Jenny, she's going to have to make her own mistakes. Stay close so you can buffer your son if there are stormy seas ahead. If Mack is as bad as you say, their romance likely will not last.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two adult sons, 22 and 20. We helped them become independent by teaching them as teenagers to cook, do their laundry, scrub their bathrooms, vacuum, do dishes, etc.

Our oldest moved out a year ago and rented an apartment with his 28-year-old girlfriend. A month after he moved, we were invited to their place for dinner. The apartment was a mess. We let our son know they need to spend 15 to 30 minutes every day picking up after themselves so their days off won't be spent cleaning. They both work crazy hours.

Neither one thinks cleaning their apartment is important! We have bought them cleaning supplies, a vacuum, a mop, etc., to help them maintain their apartment, but they sit unused. Their place is now a total disaster. It pains me to see them live like this. This isn't how our son was raised.

By the way, she is the mother of a 5-year-old who stays with her three days a week. Part of me wants to call CPS because no child should live in these conditions, but I'm hesitant because of my son. He loves her and enjoys living with her. I desperately need advice on how to best handle this. -- FASTIDIOUS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FASTIDIOUS: I understand that you are disgusted, but the "best way to handle this" would be to step back and stay out of it. This is how your son has chosen to live -- for now. If he is bothered by the mess, he's capable of stepping in to rectify it. You should not call CPS unless the child is in imminent danger.