DEAR ABBY: A close friend takes care of my home when I travel several times a year. It involves picking up my mail, watering my indoor and outside plants and checking through the house for anything that might need attention in my absence. I return the favor for her each time she's out of town. I don't have anyone else near where I live who can do this for me.

The problem is, when she's here, she snoops through my things. I know because I keep things in a certain order (I'm neat and organized), and it's very noticeable when my belongings have been rearranged. It bothers me because it's an invasion of my privacy and just plain wrong. I would never think of doing this in her home. I have no desire to see her personal items.

Over the years of our friendship, this person has become increasingly possessive and clingy to the point that it's uncomfortable. I have overlooked it to avoid hurting her feelings. How do I handle this? Do I continue to lock up confidential paperwork and leave everything else for her to snoop through? If I tell her I'm aware of what she's been doing, I'm afraid she will refuse to help me out any longer. -- TRAVELER IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR TRAVELER: There are workarounds for your travel schedule. You could have the post office hold your mail until you return. Living in Connecticut, your outdoor plants are likely dormant in the winter. Inquire at your local nursery about wicking devices to ensure your indoor plants are sufficiently watered.

Because this "friend" can't resist pawing through your personal things, ask for your key back if she has one (or change the locks on your doors) and tell her kindly that her help is no longer needed. It goes without saying that any financial records should have been under lock and key to prevent prying eyes as soon as you realized they were askew. Please consider it, and when you do, reconsider the friendship.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going to an excellent hairstylist for a year and a half. The problem is she doesn't want me to have color on my hair. She wants me to let my hair go gray. I detest the idea. She keeps insisting it is "so pretty," and she won't let it go. During my last visit, she became almost combative about it. She said she had expected me to stop asking for color by now.

She colors her hair a beautiful shade of red. When I asked her about it, she said that "she had the right because she was born with that color." It is very hard to get a hairstylist who knows how to cut my hair. Why do you think this has become such an obsession with her, and what should I do? -- HATES THE GRAY

DEAR HATES: What you should do is take control. It is a hairstylist's or cosmetologist's job to give the clients what they want, if it's possible. Tell that nervy woman you do not want her to raise the subject of letting your hair go gray again because, if she does, she will lose you as a client. And then follow through.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were married 21 years ago. Since then, she has admitted to cheating with 10 different men. Each time, I stayed with her, hoping she'd change. I finally left 3 1/2 years ago because I couldn't take it anymore. She became homeless, but for the past year and a half she has been living with my daughter and me because I saw her on the street one day and she looked terrible.

We are now moving, and my daughter wants her mother to get a job (she's capable of getting one). My ex refused to get one to help pay the bills. Now I'm faced with another dilemma: Should I let her go on her own or fight for her to stay with us? My daughter is completely against her living with us. My income is limited. I'm on disability for a bad heart. My ex is 43, and I'm 58. Can you please advise? -- NOT LOOKING BACK IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT LOOKING BACK: Your daughter is right. You are disabled and on a limited income, and your ex-wife is able-bodied. With her out of there, your expenses will be lower. Nowhere in your letter did you mention that you still love this parasite, nor did you mention whether she has changed her ways. Your responsibility for her ended when the marriage did. Encourage her to reach out to her relatives for a place to stay, or guide her to a shelter. But not only should you let her go, you must find the strength to insist upon it.

DEAR ABBY: I consider myself a modest woman in today's world. I have a new granddaughter that my daughter-in-law nurses anywhere, at any time, regardless of who she is around. I told my son she should cover herself in restaurants and other public places. I get embarrassed when she just pulls out a breast for anyone to see. She's European, and I understand it is more common there, but not so much in America. Am I overreacting? -- LOOKING AWAY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LOOKING AWAY: I think so. Nursing mothers are no longer relegated to feeding their infants in bathrooms as they were years ago. However, because you are embarrassed at the sight of your daughter-in-law nursing, consider leaving the table until she is finished to preserve your modesty.

DEAR ABBY: Often I find myself seated near people who either speak too loudly or talk constantly without stopping, both of which annoy me. This usually happens in restaurants, when I'm trying to enjoy a nice meal, although it also happened recently on a train. My seatmate was talking to the passenger across the aisle. What can be done in such situations, hopefully in a polite way? -- TRYING TO RELAX

DEAR TRYING: A restaurant patron can quietly ask to move his or her seat to a quieter location. On public transportation, you should have offered to give your seat to the person across the aisle so your seat partner could continue the conversation without shouting across.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like some advice about a family situation that has been going on for the entire 34 years of my marriage. My husband is not kind to my now-grown sons. He gives me the silent treatment for weeks over small disagreements. My eldest son visited us for my 75th birthday and, after receiving my spouse's cold shoulder, he informed me he won't be visiting again because of my husband's rude behavior.

I'm looking for a part-time job so I can pay off some bills and move out. I asked years ago that we put the house up for sale, divide the funds and go our separate ways. He said he'd burn down the house before he would allow me to get a penny from the sale.

I want to keep things calm, but I want to leave in another year with some proceeds from the sale of the house. We no longer sleep together and we talk less to avoid disagreements. I don't even want to cook for him, but I do it to avoid his negative reactions. What can I do? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REACHED: Quietly consult an attorney and discuss the fact that you are in a very long, unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage. Tell the attorney your husband has threatened to burn down the home you share (that's arson) if it must be sold so you can have the half of the community property to which you are entitled. The attorney can guide you in gathering information such as bank account numbers, credit information and investments, if there are any, so your husband will be less able to hide financial assets.

If you fear your husband might become violent, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for help formulating a safe exit plan, and follow the instructions you are given. It's never too late to seek peace and happiness in your life, and I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My son married a woman who has isolated him from his family and friends. We were an incredibly close family until he married her. They have a 5-year-old daughter who has been out of our lives for some time and it breaks my heart. During the times they were in our lives, we were always criticized for everything we said and did, and my son never talked to us or saw us without his wife there.

He was very close to his sister growing up but no longer has anything to do with her. I know it breaks her heart that her brother and niece are no longer in her life. A friend suggested I write a journal to hopefully show my granddaughter someday so she will know we always loved and missed her and her dad. I worry about my son no longer having his family and friends in his life, but I'm not sure what to do. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OREGON

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your idea of keeping a journal is a good one. But don't write in it hoping it will be seen by your granddaughter. Do it for yourself so you have an outlet into which you can pour the pain and frustration you are feeling. If you can't be with your grandchild, consider exploring opportunities in your community to mentor needy children, which can be rewarding not only for the children, but also for yourself.