DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a man I'll call "Ed" for 15 years. We are seniors, but he is 17 years older than I am. I have three children from a previous marriage who are grown and on their own. I think my husband is gay but never came out of the closet. He watches gay porn and once confessed to me he had a fantasy about another man. For the last 10 years, he has refused to have sex and is always making excuses ("I'm old," "I'm tired," "Tomorrow").

Abby, I crave love and intimacy. Ed is cold, distant and a loner. He refuses to travel or do anything for fun. He's well-off financially, never had kids and is a good provider. However, that is all he does. I want to leave him, but I feel guilty because of his age and because he has been a responsible provider over the years. I love him as a person, but not as a husband. Please advise. -- DEPRESSED AND STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR D & S: There is more to marriage than sex. There is supposed to be communication, affection, mutual respect, understanding and compassion for each other. From what you have written, you have none of those.

Address this with Ed before you freeze to death. Ask him if marriage counseling would help him to better understand your needs. If he refuses, and all you get out of this marriage is access to his money, make an appointment with an attorney to discuss what your rights may be in the "equitable distribution" state of Pennsylvania after a 15-year marriage. After that, you will have a better idea of what to do.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in middle school, my mother made many poor decisions that culminated in her incarceration and a rather unpleasant boyfriend. Now that I have kids of my own, I feel I have more perspective on my mother's choices -- and it's not a flattering picture.

After she was released, she still didn't show up for any significant milestones in my or my siblings' lives. Hearing about the poor decisions she continues to make gets me so upset that a phone call leaves me reeling for a couple days, if not weeks. I have reached the point where I can no longer maintain a relationship with her, so I have gone radio silent.

She has been reaching out for months, apologizing to me and begging for contact. When I get those messages, my heart drops. I know how painful it is when someone walks away, especially a family member. But I can't listen to her anymore. How can I express this to her? I want to handle this with grace, but I just want to cry. -- SILENT DAUGHTER IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR DAUGHTER: The "graceful" (and kinder) way to deal with your mother would be to end the radio silence and tell her the truth. Explain that she has missed all the significant milestones in your life, and you are unable to deal with the mess she has made of hers. This is why you prefer she no longer call or try to make contact. You can't fix her, and she can't change the past. Your mental health is important, and it is all right to move on.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is a heavy smoker. She lives two hours away from us, so when she visits, she likes to stay for one or two nights. My husband and I have a 3-year-old son, and my MIL's smoking is a huge concern for me.

Every two hours, she smokes outside on our back patio. She seems to think this is her right. She closes the sliding glass door behind her, but I can still smell the smoke inside the entire time. And, of course, when she comes back inside, the smell permeates even more.

After her last visit, our home smelled like an ashtray. My eyes burned, and my son was also rubbing his eyes. By the second day, I'm seething each time she ventures out to smoke. I have asked her in the past to go down the street away from our home, but there's always an excuse why she can't. (For example, she doesn't want to risk walking down the incline of the sidewalk for fear of falling.)

I don't think it should be her right to expose my child (or us) to her harmful addiction. I need advice on how to make clear that if she intends to visit our home and son in the future, smoking will not be permitted anywhere. My husband thinks we should just tolerate it while she's here. -- FUMING IN THE WEST

DEAR FUMING: As much as I agree that smoking is unhealthy and a social turnoff, your husband is right. His mother is severely addicted to smoking if she can't go more than two hours without a "fix." She is cooperating to the extent she can with your house rules, so if you want a relationship with her (if only so your child has a chance to know his grandmother), I suggest you lighten up.

DEAR ABBY: I met a man at the grocery store and I don't know if he is The One. He seems to keep trying, but at times he says mean things. He also refuses to buy a new bed. His bed is from his divorce. It is the bed he and his ex-wife shared. I'd prefer he get a new one.

Am I too uncompromising? I have been hurt a lot in the past because I was raised to be "nice" and "nonjudgmental," which really hasn't been helpful in life. I accepted a lot of mistreatment, and many men hurt me. I am not sure if this guy is any different.

Should I wait to date him until he gets new furniture? At this point, we only talk and text on the phone. -- PUT OFF IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PUT OFF: Slow down. With your unfortunate romantic history, it's important you get to know men before you invest emotionally in them. Because all you do at this point is text each other and talk on the phone, it is premature to expect this guy to shell out for a new bed. (See if you can talk him into investing in a new mattress and work your way up from there.) It may give you an opportunity to gauge how open he is to compromise, which is important in any lasting romantic relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I am 36, still single and depressed about it. I recently met someone who seemed perfect. He has his own place with laundry facilities, and his job is the kind where he doesn't have a bunch of other people in his life. So when he asked me over, I went.

I thought because our friends and family were similar, his values would be, too. I expected he would want to get to know me and have a conversation, but he went right for kissing. I'm so disappointed. Then he told me he doesn't want a relationship! Why did he do that? Why do they want to kiss but then not have a relationship? Does he prefer to sit home each night alone and enjoy someone only on Saturdays? What IS that?

I want someone all the time in my life, like a married couple has. My parents are still together. They had a few problems along the way, but they are still together. Why are the men I meet not marriage material? -- ON WRONG PATH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WRONG PATH: When searching for a relationship, there's more to take into consideration than how nice the man's apartment is, whether it has laundry facilities and how many co-workers he may have at his job. The man you met may have thought you were interested in a hookup because you went to his place without first getting to know him in a neutral setting, as most women do these days.

Where are you meeting these prospects? You might have better luck if you find activities you enjoy where you can meet people of both sexes with whom you share similar interests. If you do, your chances of meeting quality people will increase.

DEAR ABBY: I'm part of a group chat with two dear old friends. We are attorneys with lengthy and distinguished careers. Like so many, we started the chat during the pandemic, when I was living abroad and unable to get back to the U.S. We have continued the chat as we live in different states now. We use it to check in with each other daily or share frustrations, opinions and thoughts on current events and life's challenges.

Recently, one of the women wrote that during her last physical, her doctor recommended a biopsy. Then she said, "I'm not asking for either of you to share your research, opinions or advice just yet. I just wanted to let you know what is going on, and I'll keep you updated as I learn more."

I was upset when I read that statement, especially since she does not hesitate to offer opinions or research of her own. I feel quite over this 20-year friendship. I just don't think that's the way to talk to friends. Do you agree? -- PERTURBED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PERTURBED: I do not agree. "Dear old friends" can say just about anything to each other without them overreacting the way you seem to have. If you felt hurt or slighted by what the woman wrote after learning that she might have a malignancy, pick up the phone and tell her how you felt and why. But to drop someone at this point would be cruel and uncalled for.