DEAR ABBY: I discovered last year that my wife was exchanging flirty texts with a local man and had been doing so for years. I found out when I uncovered an image of an adult toy in her phone's deleted images. At the time, I nearly divorced her, but although our marriage went through a tumultuous period, we are still together.

She told me then she'd stop communicating with this man, but a few months ago, she reached out to him for help with a social media account issue she had, and now they chat daily on social media. Although it seems platonic now, it bothers me and has been a source of contention in our marriage. She says she has problems finding female friends, that he understands her medical issues and he's her friend, and they are back to messaging regularly. I can see what's being said, but it still gets me upset.

Am I an ogre for asking her to stop? She says that she has changed her mind and will continue to contact him. I feel like our marriage may be on rocky ground again, but she thinks I am being awful for saying anything. What are your thoughts? -- UPSET HUBBY IN ALABAMA

DEAR UPSET HUBBY: I am sorry you feel so insecure, which must be painful. You didn't mention in what context your wife had a deleted image of a sex toy. Many people shop for them online and couples enjoy them together. During the COVID-19 pandemic, sales of adult toys went through the roof.

You say that you read all of the communications between your wife and her male (platonic) friend. Why isn't that enough? Women are allowed to have male friends, and these days, many of them do. If your marriage is in trouble, perhaps the cause is your ongoing effort to control her. It might improve if you back off.

DEAR ABBY: My son, who is 5, has a rare spinal cord injury from birth. He can crawl, but he does not walk well. We have spent many months and a lot of money ensuring he is getting the best physical therapy and medical care possible for his condition, and we adhere closely to the medical advice of these experts.

My mother, who lives 2,000 miles away, loves my son and wants to spend time with him. However, whenever we visit, she obsesses over the fact that my son can't walk well. I have reminded her not to fixate on his disability and to just enjoy time with him, which is what my son wants. But during this last visit, she told him "big boys walk, they don't crawl." And, "Try harder to walk."

My son has tearfully asked me twice if he can still be a big boy and crawl. (He also uses a wheelchair). I'm fed up with my mother and would prefer to keep her away from my son, but I don't want to create a dramatic familial rift. Advice? -- GOOD MOM IN MONTANA

DEAR MOM: It is your duty as a mother to protect your son from harm. Tell your "helpful" mother that if she says anything again to shame him, it will be the last time she sees him. The person who creates the familial rift won't be you, it will be your incredibly ignorant and insensitive mother.

DEAR ABBY: For years, we have given generous gifts to our six out-of-town grandchildren and received almost no thanks or acknowledgment. It hurts my feelings because I devote a lot of thought, in addition to money, to choosing something special for each of them.

Obviously, they don't care, but when we have just sent checks, not knowing what they read, wear or want, our checks are always cashed. It's the same with gift cards. This year, we will send gifts to their parents -- our own children. Period. The grandchildren will receive your Letters Booklet -- including the section on writing thank-you notes. Please send me six before the end of November. -- TICKED OFF GRANNY IN OREGON

DEAR TICKED OFF: The issue you have raised is one I hear about often from other "ticked off" readers each year. I'm sorry you didn't mention how old your grandchildren are, because the fault may lie with their parents, who should have taught their children this social skill from the time they were old enough to hold a writing implement. Some people procrastinate because they don't know how to express their feelings via the written word and fear they will say the wrong thing. They mistakenly think a thank-you note must be long and flowery when, in fact, short and to the point is more effective.

This is why the "How to Write Letters" booklet was written. It contains samples of thank-you letters for birthday gifts, shower gifts and wedding gifts, as well as those that arrive around holiday time. (It also includes letters of congratulations and ones regarding difficult subjects, such as the loss of a parent, a spouse or a child.)

This booklet can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

With the holiday season fast approaching, this is the perfect time to reply with a handwritten letter, note or well-written email. Although handwritten notes are the "gold standard," many folks these days opt to take a shortcut by using technology that didn't exist before the quill and inkwell.

While texts may seem cold or terse, they are better than no acknowledgment at all.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 63-year-old heterosexual male who has recently joined an adult dating site to enhance my social and sexual life. A therapist suggested that it would help me to break out of my isolation and heal from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Could you please recommend some dating etiquette? What support organizations can assist with my recovery efforts? -- LOOKING IN THE WEST

DEAR LOOKING: Ask your therapist to suggest some sites you should visit. After you have looked them over, ask your therapist how to proceed. You are paying for emotional support from this person, and this is who should actually assist you with your recovery. If it works, stick with this therapist. If it does not, contact R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) at rainn.org to see if you are on the right track.

DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for your readers who write regarding problems with how others behave badly or are verbally abusive or inappropriate toward them. Hopefully, it will help someone.

I suggest recording video of the offending individual while it's happening, and then showing them the video later when they are calm/sober/receptive. If the behavior is drug- or alcohol-driven, this can show the person they're not fun and funny; they are obnoxious and offensive. I'm certain I would have quit drinking years earlier had I been able to see how I acted while intoxicated.

This advice could also work with a relative you are concerned about with regard to dementia or Alzheimer's. You could show the video to their doctor, rather than make generalizations about their behavior. Telling your husband to talk to his mom about how critical or rude she is to you puts your husband on the spot, and it's still a "she said/she said" situation. Maybe your mother-in-law has no idea how she sounds. But she should. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video is worth even more. -- "GOTCHA" IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR "GOTCHA": I'm printing your letter because I think in some cases it has merit. However, videoing someone who is in the middle of a rant (or some other socially unacceptable activity) could cause some individuals to become violent. ("Stop videotaping me!!!") That's why I have to add that if one chooses to do this, they should be aware of the risk.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 35-year-old woman who is married to a 27-year-old man. We currently live in the same house as his mother. She lives downstairs; we live upstairs. Thanks to my husband's upbringing, he has a hair-trigger temper. His dad has an explosive temper, and his mother is a narcissist. He's never directed it at me, but his mother sets him off.

Sometimes, I think she does it on purpose because she has some kind of victim complex. I have tried everything to help him control his temper; nothing has worked. It has become normal for me to end the day with them fighting. I am exhausted by them. If they're home before I go to work, they'll get into some sort of yelling match. When I'm finishing my workday, he'll call me and I'll hear them arguing on the phone.

I'm tired of the fighting. It's creating so much anxiety and depression. I have told him this and asked him to at least try to stop, but it's still the same. What do I do? -- SURROUNDED BY WAR IN TEXAS

DEAR SURROUNDED: You are more mature than your husband, both emotionally and chronologically. He is still under his mother's thumb, which is why she's so good at pushing his buttons. It is time for you both to move as far away from his mother's dwelling as possible. If you do, he will have less exposure to his mother, and you may have peace under your roof (once you unplug the phone).