DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife, "Sandy," for 40 years. We married as soon as it became possible for us as a gay couple. While our relationship isn't perfect, we are deeply committed and I always assumed we shared the same values.

Recently, one partner of a couple we know well was admitted to a care facility for advanced dementia. The other partner became involved with someone else almost immediately. I expressed to Sandy that I believe in "until death do you part," and I was shocked to learn that Sandy not only supported the unfaithful partner, but said she believed one should get on with their life and she could actually see herself doing the same thing!

I haven't been able to get past this, and I now find myself questioning my confidence in our relationship. I'm torn between trying to fix all the minor issues and make our relationship perfect in the hope of holding on to her, and pulling away to avoid this future betrayal. Neither path seems right. I know we should talk, but I'm afraid it will just make things worse. What should I do? -- SHATTERED IN NEW YORK

DEAR SHATTERED: I think you already have an inkling of what my answer would be. What you should do is talk these uncomfortable subjects through. Because you are so threatened by what Sandy's answers may be, do it in the office of a licensed therapist at your nearest LGBTQ Center. If you do, it may bring the two of you closer.

Please keep in mind that none of us has a contract with God. If the shoe were to be on the other foot, and Sandy was the one with a lingering terminal illness, would she want you to rush out and find a new partner? Somehow, I doubt it.

DEAR ABBY: Last weekend, my son was married in a small church in Northern California, a perfect venue for a small wedding. The bride and groom come from large families, and in order to keep the cost down, they decided that children under 21 would be omitted from the guest list. (Example: My husband had only one friend invited to the wedding -- my son's godfather.)

My brother and his wife, who have three children under 21, were extremely offended that their children were not invited to accompany them. They missed the couple's shower, didn't show up to the wedding and offered no explanation. The morning of the rehearsal dinner, we learned the reason for their absence from my sister and her husband. Apparently, their children were extremely upset. We have tried to speak with them about the situation, with no response. Any suggestions? -- WEDDING BELL BLUES

DEAR BLUES: If your brother and his wife accepted the shower and wedding invitations and didn't bother to show up, they were extremely rude. You did nothing wrong, and you don't owe them an "explanation" for the fact that your son and his bride omitted their children from the guest list. Go on with your life, refuse to be intimidated and be happy for your son.

DEAR ABBY: Before we had children, my stepmother dropped many "hints" encouraging us to have kids, and promised multiple times that she would retire when we did to help out with them. We now have a 6-year-old and an 18-month-old. When we ask my father and stepmother to babysit or watch the kids, they say, "We'd love to, but now is not convenient."

They live seven minutes away, but have never offered to babysit. They watch the kids maybe once out of 20 times that we ask. They do drop by to see us as a family when it's convenient for them, and my children adore them. Whenever they drop by, we stop whatever we're doing to spend time with them because those relationships are important for us and our children.

Culturally, it's the norm for grandparents to watch children. My grandparents watched us often as children, especially after my mother died. I never expected my stepmother to actually quit her job to watch our kids, but I really did anticipate more support than we receive. I don't know how to express that we need more support than they are offering. -- NEEDY MOM IN NEW ZEALAND

DEAR MOM: You were fortunate to have a grandmother who had the time and the desire to look after you, but not all families are the same. If you are a regular "Dear Abby" reader, you likely know I often receive mail from folks complaining that they don't have enough access to their grandchildren.

I'm sorry your stepmother raised your expectations and hasn't followed through. If you think she and your dad will change their ways, explain to them that you need their help. However, if it isn't forthcoming, accept that you will have to hire a babysitter on those occasions.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," died 4 1/2 years ago. We were together for 17 years. I have stayed in touch with his mother and one of his sisters. His family is politically the opposite of my daughter and me, and very religious (we are not). He had twin adult children I also stay in contact with. They are the only family I have in the area. We also have a 20-year-old daughter together.

Am I obligated to stay in contact with his family because of our daughter? They are kind and courteous when I call, but no longer invite us to visit. My mother-in-law has also stopped sending me and my daughter gifts on special occasions.

How healthy is it to stay in contact, and for how long? I feel bad because my daughter doesn't really have any family anymore. How should I continue with his side of the family? -- A BIT LOST IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LOST: I see nothing to be gained by slamming any doors. Relationships evolve, and the relationship you have with your late husband's family seems to be evolving away. Keep things as cordial as you can, if only for your daughter's sake, by sending cards on appropriate occasions. Do not burn any bridges. If your daughter wants to reach out to these family members, she is old enough to do it without your help.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my abusive husband for almost 30 years. I made several attempts to leave him, which resulted in him stalking me and threatening to seriously harm me and our children. Despite all his threats and abuse, I was forced to allow him to take our children unsupervised. I would end up going back so I could be present when he was around the children.

Our youngest just moved out and, surprisingly, my husband has calmed down. I am going to leave, and I'm looking for places out of state where he won't be able to find me. Honestly, I'm terrified. How do I move somewhere new and start over alone? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE U.S.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Because you feel you may be in danger if you follow through with your plan to leave your abuser and start a new life, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Its toll-free phone number is: 800-799-7233. The people there can help you formulate a safe way to escape. I wish you good luck and a much happier life.

DEAR ABBY: I work nine hours a day in a mental health clinic talking to the clients and doing billing and collections among many other things. I love my job. The problem is that when I step outside to take a break, I want it to be my quiet time.

Most people say a quick "hi," and that's fine, but a man in the business downstairs from me comes out and chats every time. He calls me by the wrong name (which I have not corrected) and talks while I respond with the bare minimum to show I'm not interested. Is there a nice way to say I am not interested in his company while I am on break? -- DECOMPRESSING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DECOMPRESSING: Yes, but it will take backbone on your part. The next time you see this person, tell him there are two things about you he needs to know. They are: Your name isn't "Joan," and when you take a break from the pressure of your job, you would like to do it alone.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's sister died 14 months ago at the young age of 52. Since then, my brother-in-law has been texting and calling my wife constantly. He is grieving, and his alcohol problem has gotten worse. I have tried to be patient about their communication, but I'm finding myself getting jealous. What's your advice? -- BOTHERED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BOTHERED: Have a talk with your wife about this. She is grieving the loss of her sister as well as trying to help her widowed brother-in-law. Put your jealousy aside, at least for now, and suggest she join a grief support group.

As to your brother-in-law, understand that his drinking problem won't resolve itself until he admits he has one and decides to join a support group or to dry out in rehab. You would be within your rights to point that out to him, as long as you do it with compassion rather than anger.