DEAR ABBY: My friend is married to a penny-pincher. He hates spending money. They are retired and have sizable assets. He never buys her anything for her birthday or takes her out to dinner. He doesn't buy her a card on Valentine's Day, either.

They each own their own homes and commute back and forth between them. When he comes to her house, she has her refrigerator stocked. When she goes to his, he has no food. She must go to the market and buy food for both of them. Then he gets angry in the market about spending money on food. He hates restaurants because they cost money.

Because he's so cheap, he goes to the local hospital and buys his dinner from the cafeteria there. They keep their finances separate, but she feels he should do something for her for holidays and special occasions. She always does nice things for him, like treat him to sporting events, dinners, etc. If they go out with a group of people, he gets annoyed with splitting the bill. She's always slipping him money under the table so he can pay his and her share.

At this point, his cheapness is affecting their marriage. Abby, can you suggest anything to change a cheapskate husband? He has the resources; he just doesn't want to spend any of it. -- ASKING FOR A FRIEND

DEAR ASKING: If your friend and her husband spent a reasonable amount of time together before they married, she must have known about his "quirk." He may have a deep-seated fear of poverty. Because his penurity has become increasingly hard for her to live with, she must speak up. That their homes and financial assets have been kept separate may have been very wise. (You didn't mention whether they are happy in other aspects of their marriage.)

Counseling might help -- if he is willing to admit there is a problem. If she's soliciting advice from you, suggest she become less generous and eat well before she arrives at his home. If his cupboard is bare, he, not she, should go to the store to fill it or even treat himself to dinner at the hospital cafeteria. Not every spouse needs gifts but, because she does and he chooses to ignore it, she may have to accept they are two very different people. While opposites can attract, in this case, apparently it isn't true. What a shame.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a widow for three years. There's a guy I have known for the last eight years, and I have had a crush on for a couple of years. I'm not sure how to talk to him about my feelings and I don't want to ruin our friendship. How can I talk to him and not ruin our friendship? -- FEELING LOST

DEAR FEELING LOST: Do you socialize with this person? If you do, the next time you go out together, tell him how much you like him and how special he is to you. If he reacts positively, tell him you may have a crush on him. Then listen. I wouldn't call that being unduly forward, but if he runs for the hills, you'll know your crush is not reciprocated. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with the same man for three years, and we have been engaged for a year. I love him with all my heart, but I just learned through a phone call that he has been fooling around with men from the internet. I have also seen some messages in his email.

Does this mean he is bi and never told me? I don't know what to do. Please help me before I make a mistake. -- HURTING IN LOVE

DEAR HURTING: What this means is your fiance is either bisexual or gay. For both your sakes, tell him you know what has been going on, because if he's unfaithful now, marriage vows won't change him. Ask your doctor to test you for STDs, and then call off the wedding so you can find a mate who will be faithful -- and he can find a relationship in which he can truly be himself.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married seven years. It's the second marriage for both of us. We have a good relationship and love each other. I told her before we were married that, while I like animals, I do not want a pet. She's an animal lover and is now pressuring me to get a small dog. She's hoping I will change my position, but I will not.

She told me this morning that she might have to leave me and find someone who wants a pet. I told her I understand and will accept her decision. Now I need guidance because I realize that a dog is more important to her than our relationship. Please help. -- ANNOYED IN INDIANA

DEAR ANNOYED: I wish you would have stated why you feel so strongly about not having a (small) dog in your home. You and your wife need more mediation than I can offer in a letter. A marriage counselor may be able to help you to communicate with each other more effectively than you have been. For her to have given you a semi-ultimatum was wrong, but it indicates to me that you two may have more problems to resolve than whether to get a dog.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons live in Australia because of our son-in-law's job. One grandson will be bar mitzvahed soon, and our daughter is asking us to send her a list of our friends so she can send them invitations. Because going to Australia is such a long and expensive trip, we are quite sure that none of our friends will attend and will regard the invitation as a request for a gift. Should we send her the list she's requesting? -- CONFUSED GRANDPARENTS

DEAR GRANDPARENTS: I am against sending an invitation to anyone who isn't a close relative for the reason you stated. Because of the distance, it will seem like a bid for gifts or money. A diplomatic way of conveying the news of your grandson's rite of passage would be to share it verbally with friends -- who can then volunteer that they would like to send the boy something. Perhaps the feedback you receive can shape the invitation list.

DEAR ABBY: I've recently discovered that my mother-in-law has two life insurance policies on me, neither of which I knew about, and one of which is close to 20 years old. I never asked nor authorized her to take out these policies, and I am very concerned.

We do not have a good relationship. She isn't welcome in my life or our home because she is disrespectful and meddlesome. My husband has very little to do with her but doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that she took it upon herself to get these policies. Because she sells insurance, she makes it seem like it's no big deal, but it is to me.

I have my own insurance and have for all of my adult life (I am nearing 50), and I'm appalled at the idea of her collecting a payout from my demise. She has never provided us a copy of the policies, nor do we know who the beneficiaries are. In fact, we know of their existence only because she let it slip in a conversation when we told her that because she is so rude and disrespectful, we are limiting our contact with her.

Am I crazy, or are my concerns justified? Is it even legal for her to have these? Why is she wagering on my dying before her? -- LIFE INSURED IN NEVADA

DEAR LIFE INSURED: You have my sympathy. Your mother-in-law appears to be a handful. Discuss this with your own insurance agent. Explain what you have learned and ask whether what your mother-in-law has done is legal, because it may not be. That she is in the insurance business makes this even worse. That you became aware of this information during an "unpleasant" conversation strikes me as possible retaliation for telling her something she didn't want to hear. She may even be lying about it.

Your insurance agent can explain what remedies can be taken to correct this if it is true. If she is a licensed broker who has done something illegal, she could lose her license.

DEAR ABBY: I have been alienated from my daughter, "Bonnie," for 30 years. Her mother and I divorced, and I remarried. Bonnie was in her late teens and early 20s at the time. For a time, she lived with me, my new wife and my wife's daughter. Bonnie was an absolute "queen" and thought we should defer to her every wish. She offered no help around the house and paid no rent.

I finally asked her to leave. It was either get her out of the house or lose my new wife. Later, Bonnie married and asked me to come to her wedding, but not bring my wife. I told her, "Sorry, I won't be there." She was angry at me for it and still is, according to her brother.

I have written her off but have been encouraged by a friend to try and reconnect with her. I think Bonnie has a grudge, and it would be useless to attempt reconciliation and open myself up to more pain from being around her. I think she's stuck in what happened 30 years ago and isn't about to let go. Your opinion, please? -- DEJECTED DAD IN OREGON

DEAR DAD: Has this friend or Bonnie's brother given you any impression that Bonnie would like to reconcile with you and your wife? If the answer is yes, give it a try. If not, let sleeping dogs lie.