DEAR ABBY: For the third time in my life, I am being shunned by long-term friends. Over the years, I have expended a great deal of time and effort to stay in touch with them. Back when we lived in the same places, we were very close. Ultimately, I moved away but always stayed in touch.

These friendships have spanned decades and, since we rarely see each other, I can't understand what might have happened to precipitate this. I know everyone has issues, but they no longer respond, and I'm extremely hurt by it. It takes only seconds to acknowledge a text or email. Certainly, I'd be there for them in any way I could if they were having difficulties.

I'd like to tell them off, but I know it would resolve nothing, although it might be nice to get it off my chest. I'm finding it hard to let this go. What do you think I might do? It's hard to believe they could be so callous. -- LET DOWN IN FLORIDA

DEAR LET DOWN: Friendships don't always last forever. Sometimes ties that bind people together start to fray. Geographical distance only adds to that. If I thought telling these people off would accomplish anything positive, I would say go ahead and do it, but it won't. It would only justify the reason (if there even IS a reason) why they have moved on.

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself now is accept that what you had in the past no longer exists and concentrate on cultivating relationships closer to home with people who want to be friends with you.

DEAR ABBY: As a 70-year-old who devoted her nursing career to improving care for older adults, I know what good care looks like. I've seen it and provided it. Good care is when "what matters most" to patients drives the entire treatment plan. It's age-friendly care that is informed by the medications we take, how easily we move, our mood and memory and our goals and preferences.

Unfortunately, we're not getting good care as often as we should. A poll my organization conducted with Age Wave found that only 11% of older adults give the U.S. health care system a top grade. The survey also shows we value life in our years, not just years in our life. It highlights a disconnect between the care older adults want and what they receive. The gaps are most pronounced for people of color, women and those who live in rural areas.

Readers can learn about the care we want, deserve and can achieve at www.johnahartford.org/crossroads. It's time to transform health care for older adults. I'm optimistic we can do it together. -- TERRY FULMER, PRESIDENT, THE JOHN A. HARTFORD FOUNDATION

DEAR TERRY: Thank you for writing. I am impressed at how well-funded and prudently managed your organization seems to be.

Readers, in 2023, this organization gave out $28 million in grants and another $2 million for research. Their grantees included a wide range of think tanks, advocacy groups, hospital systems and medical associations. If you are looking for an opportunity to get involved, visit the website Dr. Fulmer mentioned in her letter. If we want better care for older adults, we should all look into what it entails and how to see that we get it.

P.S. I am not affiliated with Dr. Fulmer's organization, or any organization mentioned in my column.

DEAR ABBY: I was with my ex-fiance for 13 years. Not long after he broke up with me, I found myself going to meet him at a hotel. We have been seeing each other regularly, once a week at least. We go out and enjoy our time together like we are dating.

The frustrating thing is, he doesn't want to let me know where he lives. He says it's a comfort thing for him to have "just his space." It has been a year and a half since our breakup. Anytime I ask about our situation, he says he doesn't know what he wants.

All of the things he does for me show he loves and cares about me. It feels like we are in this weird limbo, almost like he's stringing me along because he doesn't say if he ever wants to get back together. He says, "Why can't you just enjoy what we're doing?" I want more with him and better than we had before.

We were in a bad place before, and I didn't treat him well. I was going through things and took it out on him. In our time apart, no longer being a couple, I have worked on myself to become a happier and healthier person and have gotten my life in order. I love him very much, and I am hoping for more. Any advice? -- SITUATIONSHIP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SITUATIONSHIP: When a person is secretive, they usually have something to hide. Because your not-quite-ex refuses to give you his address (after a year and a half!), it's likely he has someone living there with him. Before your engagement ended, you demonstrated that you could be abusive when you were stressed. That he doesn't want to risk another round of that is understandable.

From what you have written, he's enjoying things just the way they are. He doesn't want more. Because you do, you will have to find someone who can give you the future you're looking for.

DEAR ABBY: I am a straight male who likes wearing ladies' biker shorts under my shorts and pants. In the winter, I love wearing ladies' leggings and stockings because they keep my legs warm. I also love the way they feel. No one knows about me doing this. I've been in a relationship for many years, and my girlfriend doesn't know. Is it OK to wear these items? -- SECRETIVE IN NEW YORK

DEAR SECRETIVE: From your description, you are what is defined as an undercover cross-dresser. By doing this, you are hurting no one. You are far from the only man who enjoys it. Yes, it's OK to continue as you have been doing.

DEAR ABBY: I have a brother-in-law who, when he gives a hello or goodbye hug, wants to give a kiss on the lips. My wife doesn't want the kiss and turns her head away. He then proceeds to kiss her on the cheek, which she doesn't want either, especially when it's an open-mouth slobber. He does this with other sisters-in-law, and most of them turn their heads when he comes running with the pucker. How can we approach this situation without hurting his feelings or embarrassing him? -- SMOOCHED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SMOOCHED: May it be frank? People who are so insensitive that they fail to recognize when a kiss is unwanted NEED to be told directly that it is a turnoff. If that "embarrasses" the kisser, so be it. (Yuck!)

DEAR ABBY: "Looking Out for Mom in Chicago" (Aug. 16) was concerned that 69-year-old Mom wasn't getting out and socializing now that she has moved closer to them, and worried they'll be her only support as she ages. They also said she's always been shy.

As a nearly 70-year-old introvert, I understand how their mom feels. Moving to a new place with no friends isn't exactly a bad thing when you're introverted. I get all the socializing I need when I go to town to shop and talk with familiar clerks.

To force an introvert into situations they aren't familiar with is stressful on the person. It's a terribly uncomfortable situation. People need to realize that there are folks out there who really are fine in their own company. -- CATHY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CATHY: Thank you for lending your insight. Other readers who have "been there" also shared their experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a social worker who has worked with elders for years, I guarantee that "Looking's" mom will not respond well to, nor comply with, being told she "must" make friends and interact with others. She may be grieving the loss of her friends back home, her previous faith community and more. She may need time to reconcile all of this. If she's active, staying healthy and taking care of herself, let her decide when she's ready to reach out and broaden her circle.

Friendships and social activities can't be forced. They occur organically. Rather than her son and daughter-in-law dictating what she should do, how about sitting down with her and gently exploring how she is adjusting, and how they can help her in a more supportive way? -- SILVER-HAIRED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ABBY: You were on the right track to suggest that "Mom" become a volunteer. Volunteering allows the person to get involved to whatever degree they wish in their areas of interest. I joined a dog therapy group in my hometown. It provides casual, short-term visits in hospitals, rehab centers, nursing homes, school campuses, businesses and manufacturing facilities. The focus of dog therapy is primarily on the person being visited -- but EVERYONE benefits. -- DON IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: May I suggest they have Mom's hearing tested? Not being able to hear what is going on discourages people from joining in and getting involved in group settings. -- MARGO IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: You might add, on behalf of Shy Mom, that taking an adult education class or two in the local community, in subjects that interest her, will give her access to potential friends. Better yet, she can be in the class but not required to interact with "strangers" unless she wants to. -- JOHN J. IN CALIFORNIA