DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I (both women) have been together for 25 years. For half of them, we lived in the Middle East. We met while working as health care expatriates. My spouse is from South Africa and was raised very differently than I was.

When we finally returned to the U.S., we bought a house in a southern state where two of my brothers live. Over time, my spouse let me know she didn't want them to stay in our house when they came to visit. She preferred they stay in a hotel. She said she was disgusted that they might not shower before bed, and that our cats would be disturbed by their presence. I told her I thought her comments were rude, and I reminded her that sheets are always washed after visitors leave.

This has caused a lot of conflict in our relationship, and I'm not sure I can go on alienating and hurting my family by not welcoming them in my home. I love my spouse, but I love my family and friends too, and I want them to feel welcome. I am torn about what to do. -- PULLED IN TWO

DEAR PULLED: I don't know what your spouse has against having your brothers as houseguests, but her "reasons" for wanting them to stay in a hotel are excuses rather than reasons. As you stated, the sheets are washed and changed after guests leave. And cats are adaptable creatures. An alternative might be for your spouse to leave when your relatives come to visit, or for you to visit them instead.

DEAR ABBY: My sister passed away 11 months ago, just one month after a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I loved her and miss her dearly. She told her husband and me that she wanted me to have specific belongings and her annuity that was in her name, but she did not have a will.

My brother-in-law has not given me anything that she requested be given to me. I haven't asked why, but I feel if I don't ask, he'll never give me an explanation. I realize that since she didn't have a will, he's not legally obligated to give me anything. It's really about trust, honesty and fulfilling her spoken wishes, but I guess he doesn't view it that way. I feel totally disrespected. Should I never ask him why and distance myself from him? -- DISAPPOINTED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your sister. By ignoring her wishes, her husband isn't disrespecting you, he is disrespecting her. It's a shame your sister didn't have her wishes in writing, but she didn't, and you will have to accept it. Since you feel you need answers, ask him why he hasn't followed through on what your sister wanted. Depending upon his answer, decide whether to distance yourself then.

TO MY READERS: I wish you all a joyous, meaningful, healthy and safe Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY

TO MY READERS: The eight days of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begin at sundown. Happy Hanukkah, everyone, and a joyous Festival of Lights to all of us! -- "LATKAS" OF LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I began seeing a man I like very much but don't want to be intimate with. We are in our "young" 70s, and both of us were widowed two years ago after 50-year marriages. We agreed early on that neither of us will remarry.

We are affectionate, and he'll occasionally kiss my cheek, nape of my neck or forehead. We hug. That's as much as I want. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, but I'm worried he may want more intimacy, which I am not willing to give. What advice do you have for me? -- LIMITED IN INDIANA

DEAR LIMITED: Because you are sure you don't want an intimate relationship with this man and are being given signals that he may want more from you, talk frankly with him about it. You are both mature people, and it's the only fair way to handle a situation like this. You may find, to your relief, that you are misreading his intentions. If you aren't, he needs to know he's barking up the wrong tree.

DEAR ABBY: My father dated someone for several years. She broke up with him around five years ago. She's a pleasant person, so we stay in touch via Christmas cards. Recently, she texted me that she was sending me a box of mementos, including pictures from their relationship. I was away on business, so I didn't have a chance to respond.

The shoebox arrived this morning, and I just received a text from her asking if I had received it. Honestly, I feel this was inappropriate because the relationship was between my father and her. I believe she should have sent the items to him instead. How should I respond? -- ONLY THE SON IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ONLY THE SON: Respond by telling the woman the box arrived. She may have sent it to you because she wanted no more direct contact with your father. Call your dad, tell him his ex-girlfriend sent the mementos to you, ask if he wants them or would prefer you dispose of them and then follow his guidance.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily single for most of my life, and I treasure the friendship and company of my other women friends. My question concerns a situation that happens frequently when one of them starts dating or marries. They seem to feel I should enjoy the company of BOTH of them together from then on. My response has been to refuse any invitations, but it feels rude and impolite. I would appreciate your advice, and thank you! -- SINGLE LADY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SINGLE LADY: Running away isn't the answer. Instead of cutting off these women without explanation when they become involved in a romantic relationship, it would make more sense to point out to them that women (and men) communicate differently when members of the opposite sex are present. It's the truth. Couples don't have to be joined at the hip 100% of the time, and, in fact, it's healthier for their relationship when they sometimes socialize as individuals.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 60 years lost her husband 13 years ago. She has one son, who is successful and busy with his young family. They try to include her in various family gatherings, but she always has an excuse as to why she can't attend -- she doesn't drive at night, doesn't like their friends, etc.

The truth is, she starts drinking at 2 p.m., and by 4 p.m. she starts sending me rude, hurtful text messages. I have tried ignoring them, not responding, turning off my phone, etc. I know she's lonely, but she blames everything on everyone else and takes no responsibility for her own actions.

I love her but I can't take it anymore. I have talked to her about this, and she just laughs. Then that same afternoon, after a few glasses of wine, she throws it back in my face. Please advise. -- OVER IT IN ARIZONA

DEAR OVER IT: By now you should have realized that as much as you would like to, you can't fix what's wrong with your "best friend." Only she can do that by finally admitting she has become an alcoholic and resolving to do something about it. The longer you tolerate her abuse, the longer she'll keep abusing you and herself.

Tell her once and for all that you will no longer allow her to hurt you, and until she demonstrates that she's dealing with her alcohol problem, you want nothing more to do with her. Then step back and block her calls and any other communication. Friends don't treat their best friends the way you are being treated, and you do not have to tolerate it.

DEAR ABBY: I love cats and dogs. We have one of each. Both are indoor pets. My problem is my wife and daughter have filled our home with cat and dog paraphernalia of all shapes and sizes. There are seven dog and cat beds in the master bedroom, five in the spare bedroom, four in our daughter's bedroom, three in the living room and one in the kitchen (because our cat supposedly likes to watch my wife cook).

There are also cat trees scattered about, a four-story cat cage, and cat and dog toys strewn across the floors. There are packets of cat and dog treats everywhere. I just love stepping on them while barefoot at night. Am I unreasonable to suggest that our cat and dog need not be treated like royalty? I suspect they'd be just fine with one bed each -- you know, like us humans. -- OVERRULED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OVERRULED: It appears your wife and daughter have gone overboard trying to ensure that the furry family members are comfortable. A compromise is definitely in order, particularly regarding areas that YOU spend the most time in -- like your bedroom, living room and kitchen. It would also be considerate if someone made sure the floors are cleared of toys and treats before bedtime so you won't be injured on your way to the bathroom.