Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, a new neighbor came fuming to my door with an anonymous note telling her to mow her lawn. I didn't write the note but told her I agreed that her yard was neglected. (I tell the truth.) It took me a while to calm her down, then she apologized. We're fine now.

Now I received an anonymous note complaining that my dog barks. I have a home office and am home most of the time. I have a huge yard and two wonderful mid-sized dogs, Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde barks when strangers try to come into the back yard, very rarely at other times. I guess I never discouraged him as an alarm system for me.

Last week, between the telephone repairman and cable installation, Clyde was noisier than usual. We also have a neighborhood thief now and I really don't want to change Clyde's training. (The crime victim even asked to borrow Clyde, but he's never been away from Bonnie.) I really need Clyde. I wish I could explain this to Ms. or Mr. Anonymous, but how?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes that the announcement that you tell the truth -- which is uncalled for, as no one has challenged you -- is not a way of saying that you disdain tact. Because even Bonnie and Clyde won't be able to protect you if you rile up an already-edgy neighborhood.

Are you willing to apologize, as well as to explain? After all, you did annoy someone, even if the noise is justifiable and the complainer rude. (Anonymous letters are rude by definition, unless they are post-marked within the next three weeks and bear the message "I love you.")

Then you can say just what you told Miss Manners. Address the letter to everyone within hearing distance, and begin, "I wish I knew which of you sent me the anonymous letter about my dog, because I would like to apologize and explain." After all, the cable installation is finished, and the theft problem is one all the neighbors share. And if you succeed in calming down this person, you may also solve the neighborhood poison letter problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I left my place of employment where I had worked as a bartender for four and a half years, one of my customers graciously offered to throw me a "going away party." Although I really didn't want to make a big fuss, I finally agreed because I figured it would be fun. It was a very nice party, with coworkers and a limited group of customers and a good time was had by all.

I was gone for six weeks, working another job, but it wasn't working out, so I returned to my former place of employment. Now the customer who threw me the party keeps saying I owe him, or that I should pay him back for the party because I have returned to work.

At first I thought he was joking, but he keeps complaining to other customers about it, stating that I should pay him back. I am getting really frustrated over the whole situation; I've been back at work for a month now, and he's still talking about it.

What should I do? Do I need to reimburse him for the money he spent on my party (this guy is not hurting financially) or should I just ignore him and hope he will stop whining?

GENTLE READER: Granted that the insinuation that you made a professional misstep to swindle your customer out of a party is ungracious even by bar-fly standards, one does not hold one's customers as accountable as one's friends. You didn't choose him as a friend and you even resisted his now-defunct hospitality.

You can, therefore, afford to placate him, which Miss Manners imagines requires more deference than money. A round of drinks on the house (presuming you have that leeway, or that you will compensate your employer) should do it if you accompany this by the public announcement that he's great and you want to honor him.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am trying to do what used to be called "snubbing," but the snubee is making it very difficult.

A woman who is a member of a well-known family in my city was arrested several years ago for, among other things, improper sexual activity with a minor. There were allegedly drugs involved and there were also accusations that her illegal activities may have taken place in the presence of her young children. All of this was covered in detail by the local papers, as was her eventual guilty pleads to lesser charges, which reduced her sentence to time served.

Here's where I come in to this mess:

This woman's young son is in my son's kindergarten class, and the boys have become good friends. Stevie has been over to play at our house and is always welcome. He is a sweet child and as his parents are separated in the wake of his mother's legal problems; he seems to have a chaotic home life and appears to enjoy the relative normalcy of our home. (He and his sister live with their mom.)

Stevie's mother has apparently decided that she and I should also be friends. She wants to sit with me at parents' events at the school, invites me to have lunch with her, calls to chat, etc. I have managed to be "busy" when she proposes one-on-one activities, and to "lose" her as quickly as possible in large groups, but she is very persistent.

Worst of all, she invites my son over to her house to play. In a normal situation, this would be expected, but I will absolutely not leave my child alone with this woman.

When I decline these invitations, she always asks why, and my responses have evolved from vague to fairly pointed. "I'm more comfortable with the boys at my house" is the latest. But still, she refuses to take the hint. Short of "because you're a child molester, that's why," how can I respond politely but unequivocally?

I do feel sorry for her and the mess she has made of her life, and I don't want to hurt her son, but I cannot be her friend or allow my son to play at her house. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Keep stopping short of "because you're a child molester, that's why." You do not want to enter into a discussion with her, or with anyone else, about letting bygones be bygones after someone has paid her debt to society, as they say. You do not even want to argue the merits of the case and whether the charges of which she was legally proven guilty are enough to make her socially undesirable.

Miss Manners is sorry to be harsh when the society has become so generous about granting fresh starts. But if we do not judge people on their own deeds, upon what do we judge them?

And even among those of spotless reputation, you are free to choose your friends. People who fail to understand polite individual rebuffs about being busy should be given general ones: "You're kind to keep asking me, but I really hardly have time for my old friends," and "I appreciate your inviting my son, but I hope you will let Stevie continue to visit us instead, because I insist that they play here."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: All three of my sons have birthdays within a week of each other. They range in age from 24 to 29. I have a limited income, which the kids are aware of. To celebrate their birthdays I invited each of the boys to a local restaurant and comedy show as my treat. Their wives and girlfriends were invited to go Dutch.

The youngest son's wife said I should pay for everyone, and my son, agreed. Everyone else went except these two. However, there was a noticeable feeling of irritation towards the missing ones. Everyone assured me I shouldn't feel bad or guilty for not paying for everyone.

To add insult to injury, about a week later, my son's wife left a message saying they would like to go out to a local family restaurant. I would have been expected to pay for all three of us.

I was so angry I didn't do anything for his birthday. I was taught when a gift is offered you don't say "No, I'd rather have something different." What do you think? Please don't use my name. Just sign me "A Mom Who Taught Him Better!"

GENTLE READER: Yes, but look what you taught them. You taught them that the way to use limited resources is to have your own fun regardless of other people's feelings.

It strikes Miss Manners that if you had taken everyone to dinner and skipped the show, it probably would have cost you less. Or you could have taken them to a less expensive restaurant. It is not the cost of the hospitality that should count, but its graciousness. But you killed that by issuing real invitations to your sons and second-class ones, if they can even be called invitations, to the ladies in their lives.

Miss Manners agrees with you that invitations, like presents, should be accepted or declined. But she agrees with your son and daughter-in-law that such an invitation should be declined.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have numerous business and social contacts, but when we received a wedding invitation from someone several states removed from us, we were unable to determine any knowledge of the bride, groom, or of their families, try as we might.

I declined the invitation with regrets but still wonder if that was the proper way to respond. Should I have called the parents of the bride and tried to determine a connection? If so, what should I say? Should we send a wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes you use an answering machine on your telephone. She would hate to think of the social obligations you might take on from people who dial you because they have the wrong number.

If you do have some connection with these people, it must be so tenuous as to make it silly for you to be invited to, much less attend, their wedding. Declining politely was all you needed to do, unless you could be absolutely positive that you were addressed by mistake. Perhaps your name and address will alert them that they mis-addressed the invitation.

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