Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college professor at a small university, and I have had several students take a snippy, rude or high-handed tone with me.

When offering a range of times at which I would be available to meet with a student, I was interrupted and told shortly, "Well, it will have to be after 3 on Monday, because that's the only time I'm free."

Another student wrote, "I just feel that we need to straighten this situation out and make sure that we're both on the same page!" when, in fact, she simply did not like the lateness policy.

A third told me, "I want to know what's happening with this grade, because I'm not used to getting grades like this and I'm going to medical school!"

To the written correspondence, I respond in a polite and coldly formal fashion. However, I have difficulty in person or on the phone. I would resort to a simple, neutral "I beg your pardon?" but I'm afraid that they will fail to grasp the intent of this reply. How can I indicate that a student's tone is inappropriate without being rude in return?

GENTLE READER: It is not rude for you to issue instructions to your students: You are, after all, a professor.

Granted that this is remedial work that they should have mastered long ago. But Miss Manners suspects that they really do not understand the concept of respect for those who -- by definition -- know more than they do. Respect should be mutual, of course, but there is a hierarchy here that must be recognized.

Perhaps she would not suggest going as far as the professor who saved himself trouble by announcing that anyone who wanted to argue about a grade would get five points off automatically, so that the argument had better be good enough to take that into account. But you do need to protect yourself.

The correct answer to all of these snippy remarks is a quiet, "I'm sorry, but I am giving this course, and I set the rules."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the one entrusted by my mother to distribute her assets now that she has died at the age of 96, I am at a loss as to how to dispose of the nightgown that I found in her drawer that I believe she wore on her wedding night.

It's beautiful, but she was a private person, and I feel uncomfortable letting others know of its existence. Giving it to someone doesn't seem right, but neither does trashing it.

What would be the correct and sensitive way to handle this, and protect and honor a woman I loved?

GENTLE READER: Keep it -- how much space can it occupy? -- with a tag on it giving its provenance. One day you will hear of a relative who considers it a sentimental and historic treasure -- or one such relative of yours will show up when your own estate is distributed. Miss Manners assures you that there is one in every family.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to place your flatware in a flatware caddy? Handles down or up?

GENTLE READER: Oh, no you don't. Miss Manners is backing away from this, but not because she is not the Household Hints Department. (If she were, she would stop hinting and say what she had to say outright.)

This is a well-known area of contention between otherwise happily married couples. If it were removed, they might find more damaging content for disagreements.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently turned down a family member's request for a short-term loan. We had helped her in the past, and there were hard feelings afterwards.

The individual explained that it was a crisis situation in that she was unable to pay her rent for that month, as she would not be receiving a tax return within her estimated time frame. The same individual had gone on a vacation to Florida just one month before.

We politely, yet firmly, reiterated our decision not to involve money in our relationships with family and/or friends. We received an outraged e-mail response in which she attempted to make us feel guilty for not helping her.

A few weeks later, we received a request (also via e-mail) from her that I return two designer sweaters which she had previously given me as Christmas and birthday gifts. She asked that I have them dry-cleaned and that I send them to her PO box so that she could put them on consignment in order to generate some income.

We were stunned. What would the best response to this kind of request?!

GENTLE READER: To return the sweaters with no comment, written or spoken.

Miss Manners is under no illusion that this will shame your relative, for the simple reason that she is apparently shameless. Nor should you wait to be thanked, for the sweaters or anything else.

Your relative is not as canny as she imagines. The guilt strategy, as applied to those whose only fault has been misplaced generosity, may work on some people, although fortunately not on you. But it engenders the desire to be rid of the person imposing it and -- eventually -- the realization that attempts to buy such people off only inspires them to keep at it.

What saddens Miss Manners most is that such behavior has led to common wisdom that it is a mistake to do financial favors for relatives or friends. Yes, as you have found out, it sometimes is. But she hates to think that people such as your relative are hardening others against good people in need.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An afternoon wedding is planned and the invitation reads "black tie optional." What is appropriate formal wear for this time of day for gentlemen?

GENTLE READER: To refrain from exercising the black tie option.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is self-introduction by first name only ever appropriate?

I have noticed that in large party settings where one is apt to meet lots of people whom he can reasonably expect never to encounter again, the self-introduction rituals often omit last names.

GENTLE READER: You mean people still have surnames? It is a long time since Miss Manners heard one without having to ask.

In business, the idea seems to be to cloak identity. You are dealing with someone who will give only the name of Gary, and when you return or call back -- perhaps to complete the transaction, perhaps to complain -- you are asked, "Which Gary? We have several."

Similarly, it is done for protection when strangers are thrown together or meet on purpose to check one another out, in case it may turn out that no further contact is wanted.

So when this is done in a safe social situation, such as you describe, it does seem as if there is an assumption that no thorough introduction is necessary because there is unlikely to be a further relationship. And that is a bit off-putting.

All the same, Miss Manners realizes that the habit of volunteering only one's first name at parties is rarely intended to be snobbish. It is intended to be something sillier -- a sign of eschewing grown-up manners.

But doing so to people whom one might like to know better works against the strange ways of modern society. How can you Google someone whose surname is unknown to you? How can you find that person's Facebook entry?

So one day, surnames will be reinvented. Perhaps then people will derive their surnames from their occupations or characteristics, such as happened some centuries ago when the world began to be filled with Smiths and Strongs.

And Miss Manners will have to become -- Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to a (sort-of) wedding. I say sort-of because the invitation went something like this:

You are not invited to the actual wedding. You are invited to view a recording of the wedding, which will be held at a certain hour. After viewing the recording of the wedding, you are invited to the reception.

And, since the couple has lived together as man and wife, they have all the household stuff they need. However, you are asked to bring money for the "money tree."

Ha! Did they really think money grew on trees?

Would you, Miss Manners, have even bothered to spend $4 on a congratulatory card, plus what it cost to mail the card? Do you feel I wasted my money, considering the couple's stupid request?

GENTLE READER: Probably. You could have saved a few dollars by using a piece of plain paper to decline the invitation and wish the couple happiness.

Miss Manners would not, however, have begrudged the stamp. A couple who invites you to their -- well, perhaps not to their wedding, but to their wedding reception -- however crudely, deserves a polite reply.

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